Thursday, March 9, 2017

Being Real

I am the first to admit, I still hide within my mask. I am not proud of it; I am properly ashamed that I still retreat into it because it is familiar, though despised. If I have to run to the store and I haven’t time to don my wig and put on makeup, I take the time to remove my nail polish and put on a cap and go to the store. If I know I will have to speak to someone, I remove everything and become my mask. I hate my voice, I am working on it, but it marks me very readily. I’m not proud of these moments; those that make me feel like I am hiding behind the fa├žade of male privilege.


That said, I am indeed a real woman. This isn’t decided by my experiences or by a BBC host who thinks that trans women aren’t sufficiently treated as inferior. My gender is locked into the brain, floating around in my skull. Dame Murray believes that we don’t know feminism because we have known male privilege or that because a couple of newly out trans women are worried about the clothes and cosmetics they will wear. It’s a flawed reasoning, one made out of fear. She is transphobic, she has a fear that we (trans) are somehow going to damage feminism or dilute what it means to be female. She is of course missing a few crucial facts. Feminism is about wanting the sexes to be equal, which is exactly what we want. Trans women worry over clothes and cosmetics because we didn’t grow up into a closet of clothes or into the slow training of putting on cosmetics. Most of us have tried to pass as male the majority of our lives, so there are a lot of areas we have to learn very quickly. These are real worries for real women.


Male privilege is not something we asked for, it is a legacy of being trapped inside a body we must endure or change. Those that wield male privilege like a weapon are the reasons why we hide at all, why we don’t come out much earlier in life. We are expected by our fathers (most) to grow up to be men, so we try to fit the idea, tried to make them happy. Did Dame Murray have to endure this; did she have to fight past the misogyny and the confusion to be who she is? No, and she shouldn’t have to in order to be thought of as real. 


Dame Murray and other media personalities are entitled to their opinions, but they are also bound by those opinions to the people they entertain. I think that she is misguided and that she can change her mind. I don’t want to give up on her or the others who have voices, they need to understand. I believe that once she understands what transgender is, that we are real and not men (or women) playing at a different gender, I think she can be an important ally. Until then, she is fostering dangerous misconceptions that can get trans women or men killed or assaulted.


We are real.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

No Gnews Is Good Gnews

I never liked reading comments on news website posts. Even if the news post had nothing to do with my situation or anyone I knew. However, in the last several years the media has made transgender issues a normal part of the news cycle. This is good, and this is bad. It’s great that real information, about us and who we are and what we are not, gets out there. That they are able to help explain one simple concept, “Treat us like people, because we are indeed people“. But I don’t like reading the comments that inevitably happen. I am always expecting the positive comments, because why would I expect someone would have trouble with another person wanting to be treated like everyone else? Of course, the comments are instead full of completely unwarranted hate and ignorance. I see “Christians“ who claim that their lord and savior hates homosexuals (they seem to think that Transgender are automatically gay), when in fact Jesus never ever, not once said anything about being gay or transgender. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think all Christians believe this, I don’t think they all live in hate. Christians can be kind and loving like any person can. These are people wearing Christianity like a cloak, as if it is a right to condem others, to burn them at the stake.It’s not just Christians, they are not alone in fostering hate and intolerance. Alt-right, rabid consrevatives or newly-minted Trump Republicans or just hate-filled people focus on us because we are largely easy targets for thier hate.


These people, slander and malign us, they call us names and expound such seething hatred in thier speech I am often taken aback. No, no that isn’t strong enough, I am legitimately frightened. I am frightened more because these are everyday people. I and others must walk among these people to go about our everyday lives. We must work beside these people, pray next to them, eat and go to the movies around these people. It’s a mine field, invisible until it’s too late, constant and unforgiving once they embrace what they are going to do in the emotion of hate. They don’t care about our words or if we are nice or giving or loved by others. 


I did several tours in the middle east and I felt the same way there in actual combat. Those tours had a start and stop time, there was a time when it was at least over for me, I went home. But now, I live with a real fear all the time, that someone will just decide to act on the hate they have been holding. I don’t pass, I don’t think at least. But being in stealth doesn’t mean you aren’t known about. I shouldn’t have to pass, I should just be able to be me with no one caring since I don’t harm them in any fashion. But the world we live in, the political climate in the US, it’s a free-for-all in which any bigot feels they can ignore the laws that cover everyone but since it didn’t specifically state “Transgender“ then they are justified. Of course they count on bullying, on intimidation and our own fear to keep us quiet, to keep us the silent minority. What they don’t seem to understand is that fear is a motivator to make change happen.


Commentary on news sites is mostly anonymous or at least so easy to circumvent that identity doesn’t mean much. This is good since most of us have secret or alternate social network accounts, but it allows for the bad as well, cowards who spout nonesense about the LGBT agenda like it is a conspiracy on the level of the Illuminati. Wanting to be treated like a human being is not an agenda, it’s a basic human right. The only agenda, is to work towards being treated correctly, instead of treated like we need to be fixed, corrected, or made socially invisible again.


It is easy to say that we can ignore the commentary, that we don’t have to read it. But the articles are about our situation or who we are, so very hard to ignore what is written directly below the article, and really we want to know that we are supported. Those types of comments, the supportive ones, are few and far between.

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Opening the Door

I have spent the week, coming out to my close friends. I have to be careful, because a lot of my friends are also ex-coworkers. They know the same people (my work) I am trying to keep this secret from, for now. So it’s complicated and depends upon trust. I am trying to be brave. It’s a funny thing, I was less nervous being shot at, having IED’s to look out for, being at war, than I am telling my closest friends who I really am.

I have told two of them, my best friend, who is in all ways my brother. And a friend of mine that I worked with, who is the best role model for being a strong woman and still being feminine. I tell a third today, and I am nervous, but all indications say that it’s nothing to be nervous about.

J – My friend/brother, he was so great. I told him and he was not only excited for me but told me how I inspire him and make him proud. I cried that night, I cried because I was so lucky to have a brother like him and because I didn’t tell him earlier and because I felt really happy which isn’t my default setting. He has medical problems and I worry about him, so I was worried that I might cause an issue by telling him. (the medical issue can be exacerbated by stress). But he was so great and I miss him so much, he is in another state about 9 hours from me.

A – My strong sister. She didn’t blink, didn’t hesitate either. She fully supported me and when I sent her a pic of me (Beth) she told me I was beautiful and really encouraged me. I don’t really believe the beautiful part, but it was really nice to hear. She is so wonderful and I love her in this deep sisterly way that I can’t really define, since I met her really. She is younger, but she is wise and strong and I look to her as a role model, which I know is odd, but you don’t know A. She is a force like my Mom was. She is a force of nature that you can’t help but be in awe of. 

D – I will be telling him today. He is a great man, very easy going and easy to love. I hope that things go well. My fears manifest whether they are based in reality or not. He has a lot of things going on today, so I may have to wait until tomorrow, but I will try for today. [Edit: I did talk to D that day, he was very sweet and reassuring. I asked him to please act a bit surprised and outraged, he did so in a playful way. It was very cool the way we transitioned from my transitioning to politics. We were just talking like friends do and that did more to make me miss him than anything else.]

J&L – Not all of my friends live in other states or cities. J&L are friends who live in the local area, I am telling them today. I’m nervous as usual, but they are really good people so I think it will be ok. I hope it will. J is someone I worked with recently, so I am taking a very big chance, though he has always been discrete about information before. J&L are a couple of those rare people who despite having a rugged kind of lifestyle with old fashioned tastes like old cars and retro designs is also pretty damn progressive and liberal. [Update: Spoke to J and he was very supportive! I again, can’t stress how lucky I feel to have friends to understand and support who I am. J also got that I am introverted mostly because of my situation, of who I am. He understands also my issues with coming out in my company, as he knows the people I will have to deal with firsthand. ]

B&Am – I have to tell them. They are dear friends, but we have kind of lost touch in the last couple of years. They are, I am assuming, still fairly conservative and I know that Am, B’s wife, is very religious. It doesn’t mean they won’t be happy for me, it actually means very little in the way of tolerance and being friends. I just have a bit more worry because of those factors. I love them both, so I hope that they will be accepting and happy for me. I think they will.

So far, I have been waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have gotten very lucky in my confession of who I am to my family and friends. I won’t stop if the shoe does drop, I will have to live with the loss and move on. I cannot keep wearing the mask. I still have to tell my wife’s parents and siblings. I think that my wife is opposed to this because of how she believes it will reflect on her. She has a sister that she disagrees with and I think that she believes that this would somehow validate her sister’s attitude. I don’t judge my wife on this, I don’t like it, but I have asked a lot of her and she still wants to be with me and I know it’s not easy on her. But they need to know eventually, so I am kind of leaving this as her decision when I tell them. There will be a point where it will be impossible to hide it. Boobs and hair, makeup and womens clothes, dead giveaway for a woman being there.

Monday, February 6, 2017

The True Cost of Being Me

I am planning on continuing my “The Cost of Being” posts that go over the costs, small and large, that we incur as Transgender people. However, I wanted to express a few things, those feelings and thoughts that I have encountered when my mother passed away.


Don’t wait to be person that you are. I look back and cringe, thinking of the time I wasted wearing the mask. The longer you wear it, the more it becomes you and the harder to remove. Work, love, friends and family all become more and more, less inclined to forgive this. To them, you are messing with their memories of you. Those moments when you did that great thing together, or laughed until you cried. Who was there, you or the mask? They have to live with those thoughts. It is easy to say that they aren’t accepting or that they won’t get over it. I get that way as well, but that is because I am standing there in my ballet flats and not in their shoes. You owe it to yourself and to those you love and work with to be the person you are as soon as possible. The memories of you should be you and not the mask. I waited so long, now I will be remembered as the boy/man who did this thing or that thing, they have to find some way to reconcile that it was instead the girl/woman who pretended to be a boy/man. See how complicated that makes life?


I’m not saying it’s easy. I’m not saying that by doing this anyone but you will understand. I’m just saying you will be wasting precious time first wearing the mask and then trying to get your loved ones to come around to recognizing who is under it. Nothing worth doing is ever easy. 


Work is complicated for anyone. Being the mask in a career makes it very hard to become yourself. I’m still not sure how to do it; this is my actual sticking point. I don’t have all the answers, just a blog, and that makes me as unqualified as anyone to talk about the correct way to do things. I can tell you what I am doing now. I am scouting things out. I am asking our HR department (did this several weeks ago), if we have any policies on transgender and what would happen if someone were transgender. I already know that we have two bathrooms that are non-gender specific and those are not anywhere near the gender specific bathrooms. I know that our HR manager has no problem with transgender and doesn’t even think it should be a focus unless someone makes an issue of it. (Her exact words were, “I don’t think it’s anyone’s business in the first place.”) Though this scenario is of someone coming into the company, while I am a 15 year employee. I think they will notice if I come in with boobs and long hair and in a dress. And the upper management will immediately begin their either conscious or subconscious desire to remove me from my position. So, I have to be ready for that eventuality. It’s going to happen, but it’s going to be a process.


I don’t have to tell my Mother or my Father. I wish I had, back then, as a child. I had murmured it to my mother, but she took it as a young child’s wistful thinking. Like wishing your father had been Elvis Presley or that Brussel sprouts tasted like cotton candy. I was afraid of my father, but I think he would have eventually come around, later in life. I could have told my mother, I don’t think she would have fully understood. And she would probably keep using my deadname (I just learned that is what it is called btw) for a long time. But I would have had no problem with that, to have her here today. Eventually she would have been fully supportive, I know she would have. Damn you hindsight.  My brothers, well they should know, but have buried it in the mess of memories of a childhood. If they had grown up with me, the real me, then they would have been fine. But now, I will probably lose them both, I know I will lose at least one of them forever. I hope I am wrong, but it won’t stop me from coming out to them this year.


This blog isn’t an instructional. You need to take this, at least in part, as a cautionary tale. While I am aware that my life is pretty easy considering what others have gone through, are going through. I have not done things the right way; I have been cowardly and afraid. The comforts of a fairly good life don’t alleviate the suffocation of the mask I must wear to keep it. I implore you to waste as little time as you can, because there just isn’t much time for any of us. Don’t spend it being a lie to yourself.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

The Cost of Being You – Cosmetics

In the second of my ongoing series about the cost of being who we are, it’s purely cosmetics. Out of the gate, we are years behind. Most of us have never had the option of working with cosmetics. Even when I was single and had the time, I was always too afraid of being caught with makeup on. I did dabble with lipstick and powder foundation. I didn’t do either correctly, like a child getting into her mother’s cosmetics, I had it everywhere and badly. These were again pilfered items; I didn’t buy them so they were the wrong type for me as well. Times have changed and you don’t have to worry about entering the pharmacy to purchase cosmetics from an old guy who gives you the frowny face. You can buy cosmetics pretty much anywhere, even the grocery store and online. With the advent of self-checkout even public stores become less judgy and more anonymous. I am not an expert, I am a novice. In girl years of doing makeup, I am 10 years old. My 14 year old daughter is expert level, even better than my wife! You will learn with practice and application. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes and if possible get someone who will give you an honest opinion on your work.

The BasicsThere are so many brands and types of cosmetics, it can leave you dizzy. But there are some basics from which you can then build. Of course, having a friend or family member to help you is ideal, but it’s not always possible. Also, I have found that, like my wife, they have dealt with cosmetics so long they don’t even think about it, or they can be annoyed by the simplistic questions we may ask. It takes time and dedication, but you will get there. YouTube is a font of information for cosmetics applications and reviews.

  • The Tools
    • Cosmetic BrushesYou will need a good set of cosmetic brushes. I don’t have them all, but I have a decent set. You will need these for application of the different cosmetics. They all have a use, and the more I get into cosmetics the more brushes I tend to use. Here is a link to essential brushes and how to use them. Also, if you order my example below, the bag is bright orange and smells bad, after a while the smell will go away, but the bag will always be tragic. Get a new bag when you can.
Example: EmaxDesign 12 Pieces Makeup Brush Set $12.99

    • Blender SpongeI didn’t think this was necessary, until I got one and started using it. Now I can’t even imagine not using it. I use it for applying my foundation and it is fantastic. You can use it wet or dry, I prefer wet (damp). Application is done by “stippling” which is bouncing it along the skin, dabbing if you will. If you rub on foundation with a sponge you are going to get streaks and it will be a wreck.

Example: AmoVee Pro Makeup Sponge $5.99

    • Eyelash CurlerThis is a pretty self-explanatory tool, you use it to curl your eyelashes. [Taken from Start when your lashes are clean, dry, and mascara-free. Open the eyelash curler and, keeping your eyes open; place your upper lashes between the two sides. Starting at the inner corner of your eye, position the curler as close as possible to your eyelid without pinching your skin. When your lashes are tucked inside, gently clamp the curler together. Hold for ten seconds, then repeat as necessary, moving outward to curl the entire lash line.] It is important that you don’t use the curler with mascara on; I don’t even use it if I have eyeliner on. It gets the tool sticky with residue, which will build up and transfer to your lashes or your eyelid. Keep your tools clean and they will work properly.

Example: Walmart [Walmart #: 553103036] COVERGIRL Makeup Masters Eyelash Curler $3.94

    • Small Mirror CompactA small mirror, to keep in your purse or vehicle, is a must. I can’t count the number of times I have had to resort to using my phones selfie camera and that is just awkward. The mirror compact I have has a normal mirror on one side and a magnifying mirror on the other, which can be helpful.

Example: BEST COMPACT MIRROR - MAGNIFYING MakeUp Mirror - Perfect for Purses $10.35

    • Makeup Remover Wipes After washing my face, I use these wipes to help completely remove any residual makeup or those, like mascara, that may be waterproof. Most remover wipes say there is no need to wash your face after using these, but I still do. I haven’t actually bought any of these, as my wife has always kept an ample supply for us both, so I went online to get a pricing.

Example: Neutrogena Makeup Remover Cleansing Towelettes $6.45

  • The Cosmetics
    • Primer Much like in painting, cosmetics primer smooths the canvas (your skin) and helps keep your makeup looking fresh. They suggest applying a moisturizer beforehand, however I always shave just before the primer and the hair “slow grow” lotion I always use after a shave works fine for me. As I have found with most cosmetics, a little goes a long way. I use my fingers; some use a blender sponge, and start from the center of my face and move out. I know some avoid the eyes, but I use it on my lids as I think it holds the eyeshadow better. On the Slow Grow, it kind of works. I notice that over time it slows down the growing process, but it doesn’t stop it. You have to use it consistently.

Example: Walmart [Walmart #: 553404853] Hard Candy 12 Hour Power Long Wear Face Primer, 1.3 oz $8.00
(Slow Grow): Slow Grow Lotion- Reduces Hair Regrowth 8oz  $8.40

    • FoundationIf you are still shaving your face a great foundation is vital. This will hide the hair shadow, and give you a smooth look. Even if you aren’t shaving, a good foundation will give you a more uniform look, hiding blemishes and discoloration. I suggest getting your foundation color matched to your skin tone in a department store or cosmetics store. However, you can try to match it as closely as possible in the aisle of Walmart. Lighting will change everything from the bathroom lighting when you apply it to the natural light of the sun. This is the one place you don’t want to try to save a dollar/pound/euro, spend the money and get a good one. I have yet to heed my own advice on this because I have liquid foundation that is adequate, not superior for my face. On top of the foundation I also apply hard candy corrector, which is more to match the slightly darker tint of my skin than anything else. A common mistake is to only cover the chin area; you have to remember to also go up the cheeks a bit and down the neck as well, blending it to your skin tone. The foundation is where I use the blender sponge and it is not only great it is fast as well.

Example: Walmart [Walmart #: 551704834] COVERGIRL truBLEND Liquid Makeup Foundation $7.60

    • Corrector/Concealer PaletteUsed to fine-tune color and blend, corrector palettes can help conceal reddened areas, dark circles under the eyes and correct for color differences of skin and foundation. I find it useful especially for shading my foundation, and darkness under my eyes. I was using this initially as a foundation/concealer and it did work fairly well. I use the blender sponge with this over the foundation, after using my fingertips to apply it (dab).

Example: Walmart [Walmart #: 553404128] Hard Candy Sheer Envy Conceal & Corrector Palette $6.00

    • Setting Powder This is used to set your foundation, keeping it from cracking or rippling. Be careful, depending on the type and the brand this can be easily the most expensive item in your cosmetics tray. I use a mineral translucent powder, which is actually used as a medium-coverage foundation but also doesn’t alter the color of the foundation. Since I am still shaving, I need the extra coverage, plus it sets my liquid foundation. I am careful to use this lightly as there is a greater chance of caking. If you don’t shave or don’t need the extra coverage, I suggest using a translucent pressed powder. A pressed powder has binders so there is more sheer coverage. I use my daughters technique, using my small flat-face brush I put a light amount on the brush, and tap the brush while rotating it, against the lip of the container, depositing the powder right back into the container. This leaves a very light coating of powder, and very little is wasted.

Example: Walmart [Walmart #: 005930257] Covergirl TRUblend Minerals Loose Powder, TRANSLUCENT $16.53

    • Eye Shadow While I do have favorites, I find this is the most changeable of my cosmetics. I don’t know what most people do, but I like to match my eye shadows overall effect to my clothes. Not a direct match, I want them to be in the same tones or shades. For instance, if I have a purple cardigan, then I like to have subtle lavender shading to my eye shadow. That may make me crazy I don’t know all the rules, I just know that I like the look. I don’t have any hard fast rules either. I have been known to wear a cream cardigan and eye shadow that is tinted with peach or light pink. I still have trouble with eye shadow, I never know if I have put enough on to show, or if I am putting on too much, so I always err on the side of too light. One rule my wife attests to, if you are older (have wrinkles) stick to a matte palette, avoiding shimmery palettes. This is because shimmery colors will tend to crease, accenting the lines you are trying to avoid. For the most part I have followed that rule, but I do like to add a shimmery color under the eyebrow where I don’t have wrinkles. Do what you like and don’t be afraid to experiment. Also, I would like to add, that I use my darker eyeshadow to fill in my brows. There is makeup for brows specifically, but when on a budget, a dollar/pound/euro saved and all.

Example: W7 Natural Nudes Naked Eye Colour Palette New $4.54 /

    • Eye Liner I thought this would be the easiest section to write, as it’s just outlining your eye. It’s not and it isn’t. While currently I am only using an eyeliner stick (e.l.f.), I have several other types I just haven’t gotten profient enough to pull off with full makeup yet. I also have two liquid types, which I am really wishing I was good at putting on. For now, I use the stick, which is like an eyeliner pencil, but you don’t have to sharpen it, just rotating the tip out as you need it. I did find out with my first stick, don’t forget to retract it. Much like lipstick, it is not a solid and if you forget to retract it and put the top back on, you have just squished it into the top and ruined your eyeliner stick. So, I bought another one and I am wiser for the mistake. There are a lot of tutorials for eyeliner application on youtube, and they all mostly fall along the same basics. The type of eyelids can determine how you apply it. Heavy lidded, smaller eyes, to make them seem bigger, you will apply to the outside and against the lashes, upper and lower. If you have big, bright, beautiful eyes like my wife, you will apply the eyeliner on the insides of the lashes, that small narrow edge closest to the eye. My suggestion, regardless of which way you do this, is to take your time and use small strokes to make the line. Again, youtube is your friend for most things cosmetic. Find your style/comfort level and go with it. Practice with just the eyeliner, so if you make mistakes you can clean it off and try again.

Example: Walmart [Walmart #: 550117605] e.l.f. Cosmetics Eyeliner & Shadow Stick $2.99 / Maybelline EyeStudio Master Precise Liquid Eyeliner Ink Pen $5.69

    • Mascara For most of us, thick full lashes are not naturally present. So, we use mascara to thicken and lengthen the lashes. There are many different kinds and brands. I go with waterproof and volume adding, and I went through a couple of brands before I found the one I like. Do your research and see what you need for your daily use and you may want a different brand for use at night.

Example: Walmart [Walmart #: 551086761] L'Oreal Paris Voluminous False Fiber Lashes Waterproof Mascara $7.15

    • Lipstick/Tinted Balm Used to color your lips, making them appear fuller and distinct, lipstick is the very first cosmetic I purchased and I have several colors. I use tinted lip balm on days where I am not going out or not dressing up; there is just enough tint to bring out my lips. On days where I am putting an outfit together or I just want more distinct color, I wear lipstick. There are of course other types of cosmetics to color your lips, lip makeup, lip balm, lip color, lip gloss, lip lacquer, lip liner. I am only covering the basics as it is what I have and what I know. There are rumors that the average woman ingests 4 pounds (or 7 depending on the magazine) of lipstick in their lifetime. I have yet to find actual facts on this, no study is cited and it smacks of guesswork and wishy thinking. However, we must ingest some, so I choose to go with those lipsticks/tinted balms that are as natural as possible. I am not pushing any brand, use what you like, but I enjoy Burt’s Bee’s brand lipstick and tinted lip balm. I love the colors and that the ingredients they use are as neutral as possible. I don’t know of any lipstick that is completely safe, being 100% natural doesn’t guarantee anything. A lot of poisons are 100% natural, but you don’t want to ingest them. Go with what you like, the colors you like and avoid too many chemicals if you can. Using lipstick can seem a bit daunting, but once you get some practice it will go on quickly. I suggest having a small mirror in your purse so that you can apply lipstick when needed, as they rarely last through the day with one application. There is a Burt’s Bees area in my grocery store, which is where I usually get them. But I looked online to get the pricing and to give you links.

Example: Burt's Bees Tinted Lip Balm Rose $5.87 / Walmart [Walmart #: 555393244] Burt's Bees 100% Natural Moisturizing Lipstick, Juniper Water $7.62

Thursday, January 12, 2017

The Cost of Being You – Clothes

I want to inform you, kind readers, of the undeniable factor in a transgender person’s life, cost/expense/toll/levy. Money will be your foe and friend in transition. So, I am going to try to document a series of  honest reviews of the fees incurred so that you aren’t stunned but prepared. I will give you honest, unabashed costs as I encounter them myself. This will be upon my firsthand experience, so it will apply mostly to MtF transition. Though, I have a son who is FtM, so perhaps I can get his take on the costs associated as well. But I also want to vent my frustrations. So, I will do both and hopefully give useful information along the way.

The first costs I have encountered in my slow, winding transition are for things to wear. I spent most of my life stealing clothes or wearing the clothes of my girlfriends, sisters and finally my wife. I know it was wrong, I was in survival mode and not thinking about how seriously intrusive and wrong it is. So, when I finally stopped denying who I was and honestly told myself it’s time to stop being the mask, I started buying my own clothes.

  • Online PurchasesAmazon and Walmart were great places to start, they offer a lot of clothes and you get the benefit of reviews to see if fit is accurate to size, etc. The clothes can be inexpensive and easy to return if you have issues. Now that I know what brands I like, that look better on me, I know I can go to them directly, or at least have an avenue of search on other sites. I tend to go towards styles that fit my age and aren’t clingy as I am overweight (I am working on that).
    • PantiesWhile my instinct was to go sexy, I found that it is better to buy practical at first. It is cheaper and you can often get them in packs of 2 or more. Also, if you make a mistake on size or style it won’t affect your pocketbook as much. I have not found a reliable size conversion for men’s underwear to panties. I was able to guess by comparing my wife’s size. Once you have the basics you can experiment with different styles and brands.
      • Example: [Walmart #: 553629108] Best Fitting Panty Cotton Stretch Bikini, 2 Pack comes in several color choices $4.96

    • BrasThis could be an entire column on its own. Bras are notoriously easy to get wrong. Honestly, the best way is to go to a place that does fittings. If you aren’t ready for that, it becomes a bit hit or miss, even if you follow the instructions. I am providing the instructions I followed. Still, it will be sheer guess work, I changed cup size and band size a couple of times before I got it right. Go with inexpensive bras at first (they can get outrageously expensive quickly), and keep in mind what type of dress or top you wear as it will matter what type of bra you purchase so that you aren’t showing a lot of bra over your top. Also, if you are wearing falsies, it is best to keep away from underwire as it does contort the shape and not in a pleasing way.
      • Example: Avenue Women's Back Smoother Underwire Bra  comes in three colors $24.40

* Taken from
Measuring band size
There are two ways to measure your band size. The best bet is to do it both ways to see if you get a consistent measurement. 
  1. Bring the measuring tape around your back to the front, keeping it under the arms and bringing it up across to the middle of your chest (see image). If you get an odd number, round up to the next even number to get your band size.
  2. Measure across the bottom of your band, directly under the bust and across your ribcage. Make sure to keep your measuring tape straight around the back to front. Again, if you get an odd number, round up to the next even number to get your band size. 
Measuring cup size
This is where it gets tricky- if you already have a bra and can talk us through how it's fitting, we might be better off stopping here- we can help you troubleshoot your fit. You can also Check Your Fit and see our Bra Fit Q&A for help assessing your fit. The first step (above) will tell us if you might be in the wrong band size. This one becomes much more subjective. Here's how to do it: 
  1. Measure loosely around the fullest part of your bust, with the tape straight across and around your back, bringing it to the front.
  2. Subtract your band measurement (from step 1) from this bust measurement. The difference calculates your bra size- each inch represents a cup size. For example, if you measure a 34 inch band size, and a 36 inch cup size, the difference is 2: which would indicate a B cup. 

    • TopsWhether it is a batwing blouse or a simple t-shirt, you should dress for comfort and with the entire outfit in mind. Style is more in how you wear something more than what you wear. Make good choices for your body and your age. This doesn’t mean you have to wear clothes that look like your grandmothers sofa. Don’t be afraid to experiment and find your own style. Again, start with inexpensive tops, they will allow you to find the style, material and size you enjoy. For colors I try to envision what my entire ensemble will consist of. Since I have so few shoes (the sadness of having man-sized feet) I build from the bottom, up. Starting with my shoes or boots, I build my pants/skirt/leggings then belt(no belt), then the top and any overshirt or jacket. Like most items, you will find the brands you like and stick with them. I have found (being plus size) that the sizes are pretty close between men and women. However, for the slighter of you, you will probably need to step a size up on women’s tops.
      • Example: Women's Plus Size Perfect Long Sleeve Tee Shirt, comes in several colors $17.58

    • JeansJeans come in many varied designs and fits, as well as materials. I find that I like the softer, stretchier jeans, which is obtained by varying the material makeup. The jeans I wear now have a 99% cotton 1% spandex blend. I recommend buying jeans in a department store, as you get a better fit this way and you can tell if you like the feel. Once you have this, you can order online. However, if you are not ready for that, I understand. Just go into the women’s jeans area and feel them. That will let you know the materials you like, the rest will be a bit of experimentation unfortunately. Cuts of jeans tend to be along the line of men’s jeans too, boot cuts flair at the bottom, straight legs are straight. Skinny jean cuts are very obvious, so if you aren’t out, then try to keep those for when you are being you and not going to work as your mask. I find that jeans not only vary by brand (size and feel and cut) but also the same brand of jeans will vary on size and they tend to discontinue lines of jeans. So, if you find something you love, I suggest buying several of them.
      • Example: [Walmart #: 552824037] The Riders By Lee Women's Slender Stretch Straight Leg, comes in two colors $18.94

    • LeggingsLeggings vary in how they fit the entire leg/waist. I have had those that fit horribly, with looseness at the crotch or buttocks, or they don’t hug the calves. Then you have the ones that feel like they will strangle you in the dark spooky area of the park, leaving you as the really pale actress with no lines on Law & Order. I am providing a sizing chart so you can get an idea of what size you might need. I have found that the most crucial areas to worry about are the waist, hips and stomach, as leggings are typically stretchy enough to fit the legs themselves.
      • Example: Women's Plus Size Basic Leggings 1X/2X and 3X/4X, available in many different colors/patterns $12.97

    • DressesI love a nice dress, in fact I started with dresses before anything else. I made three mistakes when buying my first dresses, the hemline was too short, dress was too tight and neckline too plunging. I went with what I thought would be sexy again. I still like short dresses, but I like them just above the knee. It will depend on what you like but also what you can get away with. If you have falsies, avoid plunging necklines, if you have implants then go wild. If you have really good falsies that match your skin tone and meld seamlessly to your skin, then go for it as well. Most of us will want to avoid plunging necklines, opting instead for less revealing cuts. You can still accent the breasts by looking for dresses that push up the breasts or outline them from just under the breasts. The tightness of the dress will also depend upon what you like. Bodycon (figure hugging) is not good for us big girls, dresses can cover all manner of sins, but not when it’s so tight it’s competing with your immune system. Whether to go sleeveless or sleeved, long or short will be up to how you feel about your arms and the weather. Beware the models photos; use them as an idea of the style, not how they will fit you. They never fit you how they fit the models, mostly because they don’t fit the models either (behind them are clamps and pins holding the dress tight and loose in all the right places). I go inexpensive here as well, find what you like then you can find better versions of those styles. Also, be thinking of what shoes/boots you have to fit the dress.
      • Example: NINEXIS Women's Wrap Surplice Short Sleeve Dress, available in several colors depending on size $22.99

    • Shoes/BootsOk this is going to hurt and I am sorry. The one thing a transgender woman can’t change is foot size. The general wisdom is whatever you are in men’s size; add 2 sizes and you have your women’s shoe size; however width will remain the same. (I.E. Men’s size 11 = Women’s size 13) Sizing doesn’t really change between brands and types (boots, shoes, heels, etc). As the sizes go up in women’s shoes, the more they tend to become fetish-wear with heels absurdly high and thin. I have spent months trying to find a boot or shoe that will fit me (size 11½ men’s). Don’t give up! Every few weeks new shoes appear and old ones disappear. If you see your size and style don’t tarry, get it as soon as you can. Of course the smaller your shoe size the easier it is to find footwear in more styles and colors. I scour Amazon (multiple suppliers), Walmart, Long Tall Sally US, Pretty Tall Style, Belk, etc. When you do find your size, be conscious of the pricing. I have had them in the cart, ready to go when I noticed the boots cost over $200. You can find inexpensive shoes/boots but it is going to take a lot of searching and some time. Don’t get too frustrated, keep at it.
      • Example: ROF Petty-02 Women's Fashion Western Inspired Almond Pointy Toe Vegan Stacked Heel Ankle Booties, available in several colors and materials $29.99

  • In-Store PurchasesI have focused on online purchases, mostly because it is far easier to shop this way, barring the issue of fitting. If you want things to fit, you must try them on. In order to do that, you must be comfortable walking up to an attendant and asking for a fitting room. These things are hard initially, especially if you aren’t out yet. You have to start somewhere. I started at Walmart, oddly the least judgmental place in the world, look at the people who shop there. It took me some time to work up the nerve to approach the fitting room attendant. My voice is distinctly male; I really have to work on that, so asking for a key is the hardest part. Once you are past that hurdle, there is the other thing. There is the chance they are going to clock you; they are going to talk about you when you are gone, or as you are walking away. I hate that, but it is going to happen sometimes. I don’t want to you to not take the chance, to be a normal person shopping. I just want you to be prepared if it does happen. I have been clocked, I didn’t enjoy it but they didn’t cause a scene, I went red in the face and fumbled a lot trying to get my purchases. It was embarrassing, but I lived through it, and I have been back to that store. Being clocked is going to happen, be safe but don’t be afraid. You are worth living your life as a person.

Friday, January 6, 2017

Faster than the speed of...

Life is often strange and weird for me. Nothing is normal, not even my mom's death. She didn't die, she rebounded and leaves my previous post feeling oddly out of place. I managed to come to acceptance through the whole stages of grief, and then I climbed out into hope.

She isn't dying now, she is up and getting better from the sepsis. Her doctors have a new plan for treating her cancer and she is back to wanting to fight. I don't know what happened, but I am glad it did.

On the me side of things, my transiness, I am going to the laser hair removal for my facial area so I don't have to shave my face anymore (hopefully). I am going to do this and I will keep moving forward with my changes.

My wife and I are starting a blog together, it's not about my transiness or her issues (non-issues) with it. It's a secret right now, but I will post the link once we start it on this blog. It will be a blog post about the first blog post about the new blog... and blog.

This update is over. I will report my facial hair removal consult and let you all know what to expect, what happens and the costs that you can expect, since no one seems to say this like it's taboo. Ta for now!