Tuesday, December 29, 2015
Friday, December 25, 2015
So, I sincerely hope that you all have a wonderful Christmas and a happy new year. I hope for you all, is that you get what you need and a little of what you wish for.
My wish is that you will find some of the peace on earth that this season often promises.
Thursday, December 17, 2015
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
Thursday, December 10, 2015
Wednesday, December 9, 2015
Fitting into the mold of someone else’ idea of what you should be is tiring. I’m me, I’m not you, I have my own beliefs and my own identity. I don’t have it all figured out and my mind isn’t made up about anything. I have lived a good part of a standard lifetime and my glass is still half-full, so there is still space to believe the impossible, to dream and to want more. I am a girl in my head, my body doesn’t fit the brain. You don’t have to believe it, I don’t require you to do anything at all for this to be a reality.
I hide what I hide, from whom I wish to hide it. I will come out to those I want to come out to, it’s my choice, no one else’s. I may not fit the idea of a transsexual for a lot of people, I may not behave how most wish I would. My life is determined, for better or worse, by me. I have made bad choices, I have regrets, but they are owned by me. And guess what? I will make bad choices again, hopefully not the same ones as before.
I am a girl. I like ice cream and I don’t like cabbage. These are indisputable facts about me. I’m actually pretty simple if you take all the bullshit away.
Monday, December 7, 2015
Friday, December 4, 2015
Thursday, November 26, 2015
I have my hair cut very very short, I hate having it that short, but my mid-way to long hair is horrible and takes a while and I have a new job this year. So I need help in determining a really good, economical wig. I could go with the more expensive ones, and I shall, but I want to have something right now and a custom wig is not in the cards at the moment. It's not going to resolve my fear of going out in "girls" clothes, but it will make me feel more feminine.
My real issue, is that despite the armor that I wear each day of "not caring", I really do care what other people think. I care far too much. I care that my wife will think less of me, I care that other people will see a "guy", I care that I use to many " ". It's the reason why I haven't come out, it's the reason why I hide. I worry over what other people will think in their heads. It's a real pain.
Anyway, if anyone can suggest a nice wig maker from say amazon that would be great.
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
I feel that we made it a step closer, to her accepting I am a woman who wants to feel like a woman. I had put on this very night-gownish dress and was laying in bed with her on a weekend. It was one of those deliciously comfortable weekend mornings where sex is most pleasurable if the other person would wake up! So I was laying there, the feel of this silky material, under the covers and cuddling with my sleeping wife. I was feeling very feminine and very much wished she would take me.
I don't want to go into too much detail, out of respect for the wife. But we made love that morning and she was ok with me wearing traditionally feminine clothing whilst doing it. She was very handsy, so I think she really liked it. I just enjoyed feeling even moderately feminine during sex. I rarely am able to feel that, I usually feel mechanical and one-sided. So this was nice.
Thursday, November 19, 2015
Anyway, back to this neighbor. I don't get on with these people, they are literally a house full of felons (confirmed by the sheriffs deputy that came out when I called them about their loose dogs that were attacking our dog that was leashed and being lead by our 12 year old daughter). Anyway, I was walking down to the road when I hear a cough from next door, which is still a good distance away. The woman next door smokes and she goes outside to do it, which makes good common sense if you have a meth lab in the house. (It's my guess from the odor)
So I am like a deer in headlights, as I see her walk off of her darkened porch. I am beside my truck at that point, so I am mostly hidden, but she could have seen me at any point between my house and the truck. She is standing there looking across the yard right at me and I panic a bit and do the "looking for something in my truck" rummaging after I turn off the dome light. I knew I couldn't walk out and go to my house, so there I am looking for nothing in my truck. I don't want to come out to this woman, of all people. She went back inside after a while and I went back into my house, slightly shaken. I was sure that she had seen the "guy" next door wearing a dress.
For a moment I was upset, then I just didn't care that much. The thought was in my head that I would stop my early morning walks for a bit. But I was back out there the next morning, and this morning. It's my only "real me" time. I just want to be the girl on the outside that I am on the inside, it's so hard to make that happen. If god doesn't make mistakes then what does that make me? It's frustrating and upsetting and I am tired of finding out people that I respected are now just bigoted jerks. I'm tired of not being who I am. I'm tired of hiding behind things when cars go by. (though at 4am any girl in a short dress should hide from cars going by on a lonely road, just saying)
Monday, November 16, 2015
I'm exhausted from dealing with my boss for two weeks on a 24 hour/7 day basis. And I'm sad that I have to find a new job to be me. This was a frightening and eye opening trip, our business is going through a LOT of changes on a fundamental level, and I know what these managers think outside of work. I'm already dealing with the back and forth of trying to become me, it's hard enough internally. If I go through this, I still won't be the me in my head, just closer. I don't doubt that I am a woman, I've known that before I even knew what a girl was. I just doubt I can afford the surgeries and doing things halfway was never me.
Anyway, I'm emotionally tired and I have to go to work in an hour. Let the fun begin.
Thursday, November 5, 2015
Wednesday, October 28, 2015
So, I am going to have to full boy mode it, take away the very few things that make me feel feminine. I will have a few things in my luggage so I can dress how I want in the privacy of my hotel room. But I'm nervous about the TSA thing searching my luggage. Anyway, if I come out, I want it to be on my terms, no one elses. I know I am giving away far too many details about my life as well on here. I have to reign it in a bit.
So I have to wear boxers and hope they don't eye me while I get undressed and dressed again. I'm growing my facial hair out and cut my hair short for the trip to help with the ruse. My hair wasn't that long to begin with so no big deal, but I HATE not being shaved, not being smooth on my face. The things I do to remain employed.
I haven't posted on here in a while, been very busy preparing everything for this trip.
Friday, October 16, 2015
Ok, so I waffle back and forth on transitioning. It's a matter of telling my mother, who is very sick and I don't want to be any additional stress on her already fragile state. And my job, which I am currently going through transition within itself. I want to start HRT, I want to do something! I have waited so long, far too long. I also worry that my wife will think this is something that won't include her. It will always include her. I don't worry about her family, she has always been above what her parents think. I worry more about my family (other than my mom), who I am still trying to please for some reason. Anyway, I waffle. waffle, syrup, waffle and butter.
I used to do a podcast with my best friend, we will call him... D'Argo. We covered some geek related things like BtVS and Farscape and other things. It got pretty popular actually, I was surprised to find. We were guest speakers at a few cons and were even asked for a few autographs. I only mention this because I really miss podcasting. I found a few files from the podcast and I am just very nostalgic right now. Anyway, D'Argo got married and has been ill for a while, he was the real talent of the show, I was the director/producer and the co-talent. I miss those days. Sigh.
I want to tell D'Argo that I am not John (a boy), but Aeryn (me, girly girl). Ok Aeryn is a bad choice, she is a bad ass and I am not that confrontational. I want to tell him that I am me, a girl. However, he is married to a woman that treats him badly, that doesn't have his best interests at heart, but that he still for some reason loves. I would rather her not have this information. So, sadly I must keep this information from a man that I truly love as my brother. I am not in the least worried about telling him, he would not abandon me, he would accept me. But what his wife would do with the information (shudder) I don't want to think. Eventually, this may all be a moot point, should I transition. I just miss my brother and the few times we talk, I stop short of telling him everything I want to tell him.
I am participating in a few support groups online. I am trying to find a group in RL, so wish me luck on that in this small town area. I am listening to a few podcasts, and I mentioned one of them previously, Trans-ponder.com. However, I started at the beginning, I am a completion-ist that way, so I didn't realize that it had pod-faded for some reason. so it ends in 2014 which is sad. I'm not to the end yet, far from it, so I am ploughing ahead with it until the inevitable end. It's still a good podcast and worth the listen.
I am happy in my life, I am happy with my family. I am deeply sad about me. I don't know where the time went, I don't know why I didn't act while I was young. I am so angry at young me for being so stupid. Sure, it was harder to find any information without the interwebs, and transitioning seemed like an impossibility, but why oh why didn't I do it then? I spent way too much time being hopeful that some entity would just change me into a girl, that some magic would fix all my problems. I spent too much time ignoring what I was because I didn't feel there was any way out. Bah, now I am in a bad mood. Ok, going to drink my quickly cooling cup of tea.
Thursday, October 15, 2015
Sunday, October 11, 2015
Anyway, I have embraced the pronouns and he is Martin. I will miss my stepdaughter, I loved her so much. But I love Martin, my stepson enough to respect his feelings and he hasn't changed on the inside, he is still my child. My intelligent, smartass, brave son.
However, my wife, bless her, is having trouble. She is very open minded, but she loves her children to a fault, as all mothers should. So she can't quite let go of her daughter. She needs more time I think. This isn't about the transgender issue, it's about letting her daughter go and making the firm decision to change herself as well. This is why I can't come out to my mother. She could handle the transgender part, but her first born son to her will have gone and been replaced with a daughter. It's hard to wrap the brain around for anyone. My mom doesn't have that kind of time, so she will always, in her mind, have a son. I am duty bound and bound by love to gift her that. If we were both younger, this part of my transition wouldn't even be an issue.
So, right now I am the only one in the house calling him Martin or using proper pronouns. That leaves a mother, daughter and son, three that continue to call him a her and using her old name. It's creating a division here, obviously. They have all, with exception of our youngest daughter, which I'm honestly not sure about, said that they are waiting to see if it "takes." To see if it is real. I'm not sure how to answer that, it's real to him, it doesn't have to be real to anyone else. I'm sitting here in the early morning, typing on my trans blog wearing a little black dress and heels, after having felt like a girl since living memory, you tell me when it is real to you.
I understand their hesitation, I understand their wanting to hold on. I'm just frustrated that these people, the most open minded people I know, are still not letting this happen. Love has to let go, love is open arms.
Saturday, October 10, 2015
How It Is To Be Miss Tobi: I don’t feel like a woman, I don’t feel like a man, I feel transgender.
I am posting as well Linda's blog, which appears to be a life-coach blog. Just in case anyone is interested.
How it is to be You
Wednesday, October 7, 2015
If you are a transitioning transgender, you are most likely to disappear from the community. Your period of activism or participation ends once you have fully transitioned. It's not your fault. The caterpillar doesn't revisit the cocoon, it flies away the butterfly into another life, borne on the air. The transgender community appears to be populated by only a few that have fully transitioned, those who have decided to stay and fight for legitimacy of the transgender community. This isn't a dig at those who have left, to be stealth or who are passing without effort, I think it's wonderful. I am not judging anyone. If I could pass, if I could live my day to day as a girl, you would never see me again. It's the curse, the curse of the transgender. No one truly wants to be this, to be physically the wrong gender. So when we get what we want, we just want to be a regular boy or girl.
It's also what we wish for any other transgender we meet. There are several I talk to on here that I am in contact with, I wish nothing more than that they get what they want, to be a real girl, to transition. I would love them to lead normal lives, falling in love, having a family. A normal life isn't protesting or joining in LGBT issues. It marks you, brings your transition into a clinical light for all to see, to remember you as a transgender MtF or FtM, not as you, not as the woman or man who just wants to live their life. If you are just gay, then it's a matter of you being attracted to the same gender. It's a right you have been fighting for, for a long bloody time. To marry, to live as a gay person without prejudice. But to be a transgender, gay or straight, you don't really get to live with yourself. You get to bemoan the body you are in, or change it, but you still live with something you get to bring up over and over. You had to change yourself to feel like you. It's not about sexual orientation. So for a transgender, it's like joining AA to announce you have a fear of spiders.
Don't get me wrong. I believe in the cause. I believe that we need to be heard and we need the same rights as everyone else. So, the question becomes, how do you participate in the "T" part of the LGBT and still retain our woman or man-hood. Must our transition define us so that we can never just be us?
Saturday, October 3, 2015
Who isn't noticed at first, but then he finally really sees.
Thursday, October 1, 2015
This weekend I am going to look into support groups online. (thanks for the prompting “L”) I have a lot of thoughts that are flying through my head and I need some guidance or at least some one to say, “hey stop that!” I want to transition really badly, I want to be what I am. They seem like the same thing, but they really aren’t. If you have read any of my previous posts, you probably already know how I feel about transitioning. But it is as close as I will ever be to being what I am on the inside. So I keep thinking why not. Why not do it and try to be as happy as I can be. Work could be an issue, it’s a new job and I don’t know how this will fly there. How will this affect my family overall? Lots of things, and lots of reasons to find a support group. If anyone has suggestions I would be open to them.
Also I have started running in the mornings, despite my fear of running right into a bear (mountains, so it can happen easily). I’m looking online to see what exercises I can do to feminize my body. If anyone has suggestions to that I would appreciate it as well. I can find most of this information online, but you can’t beat other peoples knowledge of what works and what doesn’t.
I want to thank those of you who have been emailing me, with words of encouragement and wisdom and just to say hi. I very much appreciate your thoughts. I am trying my best to break out of being this loner chick who doesn’t do anything but lurk on other people’s blogs. I am trying to involve myself in the trans community. It’s not easy, it’s very hard to depend on other people, to allow them access to my feelings. This blog is a part of what I am trying to do, to undo years and years of doing things the wrong way, the easy way. Anyway, thanks for reading and participating, I am going to return the kindness.
Monday, September 28, 2015
Saturday, September 26, 2015
The duality is the crux of being Trans. I remember as a young adult, seeing a person dressed half as a bride and half as a groom on some tv show. It was a mental punch that I couldn't avoid. The symbolism of who I was, a man on the outside, a woman on the inside, it was not an easy thing to see. I was always repelled by that costuming, a mockery of my situation. In my day to day, I try to avoid recognizing my body, I keep everything compartmentalized. I brush my teeth, focus on the teeth, I shave my face, just keep focus on my eyes. I try not to take myself all in, I don't want to see this man standing there. I don't like photos of myself, I avoid group photos at all costs. I don't hate me, I hate the shell that I am wearing.
Anyway, I have been on the verge several times, telling my family and friend about who I really am. There is this pull to let them know that I am the soul and not the body they see. I don't like lying, I don't like omitting which is just an easy lie. I believe they deserve to know the truth. My wife has been keeping my secret, but now I feel false when I don't acknowledge who I am with others while she is present.
Our youngest just had a birthday and she wants to go to Goodwill with me, she likes to get clothes there. It's become a thing for the two of us, going to Goodwill and searching for cool things for her to wear. I'm really good at picking out cute outfits, she has no idea why. But I wish I could shop with her, find cute outfits together. Just two ladies shopping without some stigma of "the weird guy trying on womens clothes" being the issue. So, we just shop for her stuff, all the while I am mentally marking the outfits I would put together.
I'm all over the place today, sorry. It's rainy and chilly, really my kind of weather. I have a nice hot cup of earl grey, with lots of sugar and it's dark outside. Nice time right now. I wore my favorite dress and slippers for while, went for a short walk before the rain started up again, the little moments of feeling feminine, of feeling free from myself. The air blowing across my smooth legs and the nice swish of my dress as I walked is just freeing.
I love my family, but I look forward to the rare times when they are all gone from the house and I can just be me all day long. I can sit out on the front porch in a cute outfit and read my kindle and watch people drive by. (they can't see my house very well from the road, so I don't feel exposed at all) There are times where I will listen to Selena Gomez who has a wonderful voice, or Christina Perri and dance. I can close my eyes and dance with no thoughts of this body, just me dancing. Just Beth dancing to music.
Friday, September 25, 2015
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
Anyone who wonders why I am not out, why I hide behind the internet. The responses to facebook postings of this are why. The level of hate, the sheer idiocy and bigoted remarks, remind me why people are not to be trusted. I'm not going to repeat the "arguments" these people made, the point is that they were pretty overwhelmingly against the poor lady. She actually took things rather well considering the treatment she was given. And yet, this woman will be subjected to far worse in the days to come, thanks to media slant and political agenda. People as a whole are mean and vindictive, those with agendas, doubly so.
She deserves to be treated as a person with respect, there is no need to quantify her for this to have impact. If my mom had been treated this way I would have been livid. I am no less livid for the way this woman was treated and is being currently treated.
Sunday, September 20, 2015
I am going to hide the few things that mark me as transgender in the back of my closet. I seriously want to cry. I hate hiding in the first place, I have done it for so long. I have lied to so many people I care about my entire life. So hiding it now breaks my heart. It's for the best, it's hard to explain transgender, even harder to explain the non-transitioning transgender. You come off as false, as not wanting it enough, as a coward. Ok, I am a bit of a coward when it comes to this. But I don't think I would adequately explain this to our children. I think they would believe I am a transvestite, which would be like calling me a man. I don't have any problem at all with transvestites, but I'm no more one of them than I am an oil tycoon.
So I am hiding again. I could put things past our 12 year old, who doesn't notice that my shaved legs aren't naturally smooth, that doesn't realize I am wearing jeans that aren't made for boys. I am hiding again. I hate this, I hate being this guy. I hate this body that I am trapped in. I can work on this body all I want, it will still be him. I will still see me trapped in his eyes. I prayed as a child, for so long, that I would wake up, that I would just wake up and be me. I lost my faith in a god at a fairly young age, prayers never answered, nothing to tell me that it's ok to feel how I feel. I am jealous and hurt, angry and sad. I'm all the negative things I try to avoid, but I am. I hate being me.
Hate, a word I try to never use and I just filled out a paragraph with the word. Ok I have to calm down. It's not the end of the world, it's just me having to hide more, to not be me more, to act as if this is all ok. It's not ok, it's not right. But here I go anyway.
Friday, September 18, 2015
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
Saturday, September 12, 2015
So, at one time or another we all think about ending it, shuffling off the mortal coil in a force-able manner. Suicide is an easy concept, but a tricky foe. We all have our reasons for wanting to end this life, perhaps the pain is too much, or we hope for a better next life, or we simply see no way out of what seems like the darkest, loneliest road imaginable.
I have had fleeting thoughts of suicide in the last 15 years, nothing defined but still enough to scare me. So I found myself wondering, what is it in me that is causing me to have these thoughts? This is where the tricky part comes in. For me it was a lot of small things, very little issues that come and go in life that never seem to actually "go". None of these things alone seem to be anything at all, barely even registering with my subconscious. But once these little things build up it seems almost designed to cause a singular reaction.
My life is not bad, it's pretty good actually, but I have very intense stress points, my exwife, my transsexual-ness, my pressure from work and many many more things. Over time I have found that you can be happy but still have this shadow hanging over you. I hope for a better life, I really hope that the next life I am in the body I am supposed to be in, that I won't be this stranger to myself. So there is a speck of appeal in ending it now to get to the next. But there is no guarantee of a next life, it's just a hopeful wish. Ending it all would end my issues, but life is not about being completely happy, you find that in moments. It's about the struggle, to be there for your children, for your spouse, or simply to be alive in the world and appreciate all the good things that are in it. I don't have a magic wand to get rid of the feelings, in the end you have to find what motivates you.
Suicidal thoughts are like water, they will follow the easiest path. Soon, it becomes a stream, then a river, then you are drowning in an ocean and it seems there is no shore in sight. This progression is just as easy in a group of people on a sunny day as it is being alone in darkness. How many times have you seen someone who seemed happy and had everything going for them, yet they committed suicide? Finding reasons to live isn't about getting what you want, it's about learning that life is worth the struggle.
These are my opinions, I'm not a psychiatrist, I don't have training. I'm just one of those people struggling in life like everyone else.
Friday, September 11, 2015
Thursday, September 10, 2015
Monday, September 7, 2015
I don't want to be trans, I want to be me, just a girl.
Being non-transitioning means we don't have an outlet. Right now, I am wearing a cute little black skater dress. I can appreciate that I feel feminine, but I can't look in a mirror or the spell is broken. It is currently 5 am and I will have to be careful to change into mens clothes in a bit before my children wake up. I would be mortified if my wife saw me wearing a dress. She knows I have them, I have shown her what I buy. But I don't want her to look at me while I wear them, I am stuck in this male body. So, I have early mornings and when everyone is out of the house to wear the things that make me feel somewhat normal. It's a rare thing. Even then I can't go outside during the day in what I want to wear, I would feel horrible if anyone saw this "guy" wearing a sun dress. I want them to see what I feel, this woman wearing a sun dress on a nice day. On the inside, I curl up into myself in pain.
So, sure we have a luxury, that of getting by as our physical selves, but we die a little more each day for not being who we are. Our entire lives are spent acting like we are this person in the mirror.
Monday, August 31, 2015
However, there are a lot of things that I don't agree with, being a person I have my own opinions, such as the cis-dissing. (I think I just made that word up, Cis-Dis. Please give me credit if I totally made that up.) Not being attracted to someone you know is transgender is not anyone's problem, it is not a choice, it is just how they feel and it is legitimate. We all want to be accepted for who we are, we all want someone to find us attractive, but if they are not attracted to you for being who you are, then they aren't wrong, they just aren't. You will have to get over it. Not everyone will accept you for being trans, much less be attracted to you for it. You will have to get over it, you can only educate, you cannot make someone change their mind, that is something they have to grow into or not.
I like the show, it makes me uncomfortable in the right kind of ways. I like that I am seeing a mirror to my issues in a lot of instances. I like that her transgender friends or acquaintances are so much more educated and have such good insight into the world as a trans.
It is the more glamorized version of (and I have plugged this before) New Girls on the Block. It's no less, just different. I cry watching NGoB, it's such an emotional journey. I wish they would do a 2nd season, it's just such a great show, to follow these wonderful women on their journey, not being perfect or even rational sometimes, just being real women with real issues. With IaC, there is this veneer of displacement, an unreal feeling about the show itself. Anyway, I watch the show because there is precious little for transgender out there that allows you to see what it is like, what you may encounter.
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
Everyone is up in arms about the Caitlyn Jenner costume. I understand that if done with bad intent it can only hurt our cause. However, I don't believe it was done out of malice, I think it was done for profit, and I think that is a good thing. Let me explain, by putting Caitlyn in with Captain America, Wonder Woman, Casper and Dracula, it's putting her and our cause into the mainstream consciousness of america. I don't think it is mocking anyone, I think it is embracing the idea that people will want to emulate her during halloween. Is it a mocking act when people want to dress up as someone else? Why should this be different? Why should we insulate ourselves? The main issue with LGBT and transpeople that I hear is how we T's are put off in a corner. This is an excellent way to put ourselves in the party and not in the corner. I think that we need to calm down just a bit and be able to laugh at ourselves once in a while, not for what we perceive everyone thinks of us, but for fun and joy. Allow yourself to be joyful once in a while.
Saturday, August 22, 2015
Trust is something that has never been in my nature. My father was abusive when I was younger, he liked to punch and use this belt with wire wound around the edges on my legs. He didn't handle stress in any kind of positive way. Later on in life we managed to be good with each other. I forgave him while I was in the military. He died last year, but I'm glad he knew that I didn't hate him, that I loved him in spite of what he did as a young father. He was a good grandfather and a pretty decent older dad. But I never really learned to trust anyone. So I am an introvert and guarded. The most I open up is on this blog, and to be honest, even here I hold back a lot. I don't want to be seen as complaining and I don't divulge things willingly. Yes, even in a diary to myself I would hide things. Pathetic, I know.
I place small amounts of trust in people and they always manage to let me down. It's a vicious circle. I probably sabotage any real attempt at trust so I won't have to be close enough to anyone to get hurt by them. I love my wife and I love my kids, I trust my wife but I can't fully open up to her, as much as I want to. There is this wall and I can throw things over it, but I can't find a door.
Anyway, I've got feelings and wanted to get them out. Sorry, nothing today about my TG issues, this is all about my insides.
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
Had to go to urgent care today, I was not feeling well at all. So, I’m sitting in there and wondering if I would have to take off any of my clothes. I don’t care if someone I don’t know notices I wear panties and have shaved legs. However, when it’s someone I’m depending on giving me medical care I start to worry that this doctor may have something against transgender, or in my case the incorrect term of transvestite. Then instead of focusing on my medical issue he/she would be distracted by something that is just about their comfort level. Luckily, I didn’t have to get undressed at all.
It got me thinking about all the little details that I had never actually thought about. How do you handle these situations? If you have to go to a doctor, especially outside your primary care physician, transitioning or not, do they need to know about your gender assignment? Does it help to move on to the other real medical issue? What if the medical professional is less than professional and takes a personal stance? Has anyone been denied medical care for being transgender? I’m already up in arms about gay men not being allowed to donate blood, it’s just stupid.
Do I have to divulge my gender just because the doctor may ask me to disrobe? Am I better off wearing mens clothes to the doctors appointment, just to make someone else feel better? I feel stupid wearing mens clothes, I’m already not comfortable in this body, the least I have is wearing something that makes feel slightly better. So I would feel awkward being at the doctors, feeling awkward being in the wrong clothes.
Saturday, August 15, 2015
It was very very hard during my time in the military. I kept a separate area that was used by whatever woman I was dating at the time. More often than not, it was just where I kept clothes I had liberated from the donation pile, and I could explain it as I thought they had wanted to keep that item, if I had gotten caught with it in the closet.
But this is different, I bought this dress, it fits and I feel good wearing it. I also don't feel bad for "liberating" clothes or wearing something from a girlfriends/wives closet. I keep it in my closet, and I have another dress coming in a week or so. I still keep them to the back of the closet, which is apropos to my situation. I would love to find some heels to wear with them, I don't normally care much about shoes, I like to be comfortable. But with these dresses, I can see that heels would be nice.
Anyway, I have my first legitimate dress, after just being so used to wearing what I could get away with without being caught. It's nice, I'm pretty happy about it. I really like not feeling guilty at all, not one little bit.
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
If you would like to link your page on this blog, or any links that hold good information, please send me an email and I will add it. I don't require a reciprocal link, that is of course, completely up to you.
In other news:
(I just saw this in the news and thought I would share)
I love that the world is changing, it is a slow slog, but I think that despite all the tragedy and continued hostility, things are changing for the better. I thank all those who came before us, who had courage and chose love and light, instead of propagating hate. I don't know anyone who's mind was changed through hostility and hate, it has only ever re-enforced their prejudice.
Sunday, August 9, 2015
Of course, I wasn't happy about "man" and wife, but who ever is that is transgender. I had to just deal with it, it's my issue not anyone else's since I haven't come out to everyone. I can be annoyed with it, but I can't blame anyone but myself for that. I wore uncomfortable (more so than just being dress clothes) clothes and wear a mans ring, again myself to blame. All the little things I'm complaining about now pale in comparison to my happiness at finally being married to my wonderful wife.
A day in the life of the closeted transgender, is knowing that every picture with your beautiful wife is going to show the guy you aren't as well. little daggers in the heart.
When I was a preteen, I used to wonder if the doctor who delivered me made a mistake. He should have (somehow) known that this was a girl and not a boy and taken the correct steps, informed my parents and done the necessary things to make sure I was a girl in body as well. Things are always so much easier in my head.
So I am married, I am me and her. I am me, I am this me and I don't have another me. I have to deal with me being me. I hate looking at photos of me, I don't want to deal with me.
Bittersweet. Sorry, I should only be happy right now, it sounds like I am trying for a pity party. I am not, I'm sad over an existing condition, but happy about my current status as a partner of a wonderful woman.
Saturday, August 1, 2015
So we are getting married, I have spoken to my fiance ad nauseum, asking her if she is sure. I am worried that though I have been honest with her, for her this is all relatively new. She says she is fine with it, that it doesn't bother her, perhaps it doesn't. I don't know, I have to trust her to know if she is ok with marrying a transgender person. I feel badly that I am how I am, I thought I would feel better after telling her the truth. Thing is, I don't think I feel better. I think I feel somehow worse. Like I am making her deal with my issues. I feel like crying. It could just be stress, but I feel like crying.
I want to be a woman so badly on the outside, I want to match so badly with how I feel on the inside.
Here is another wrinkle, I haven't told you, dear internet. Our daughter (one of my stepdaughters) who is 17, who had already come out to us several years ago as gay, has come to us to ask for permission for hormone treatments. Ordinarily, we would be fine with this, and though she doesn't know that I am transgender, I have a unique outlook on her situation. However, she has started dating and currently living with a 23 year old woman who we believe is pushing her to this. Our daughter, who is still in high school, has never shown a propensity for being transgender. As recently as this year she has spent every dollar she made on dresses and makeup, despite our wishing she would save the money. This all changed a month after she started dating her now girlfriend.
We are very open minded, and she had no trouble at all with coming to us and letting us know she was gay. We have always supported her decisions. This doesn't feel like her decision, it feels like she is trying to please her girlfriend who has a strong influence in their relationship. We told her that we would not give her permission for hormone treatments. We want her to wait the 10 months until she is 18, and she can make that decision for herself. I am hopeful that will give her time to truly think about what she wants and the reasons why she wants it. I should say that we tried to get her to go to a therapist who specializes in transgender, which she would need in order to take the hormones legally anyway. She refused to go. So I don't know if we made the right decision. I don't want her to wait too long to do something if she is serious, but I don't want her to find out that this is something she is wanting because someone else is actually wanting it. A bilateral mastectomy would be a horrible thing to go through for someone else, it should be for you, not trying to make someone else happy.
Any thoughts on this? Are we being too harsh?
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
As a child, I remember telling my mom that I wanted to be a girl. I think she took it as a toddler wanting to be someone else, I never brought it up again. When I was in my teens, I never thought seriously about transitioning. I lived in a small town, I didn’t even know there were other people like me. It took me years to finally see someone who had transitioned in a magazine, and the results were so bad that I couldn’t even fathom doing it. So growing up, I was always daydreaming about suddenly becoming a girl, kind of like an Ellen Barkin in “Switch” scenario. Sure it was badly written, and the subject matter was all over the place, but it was about the sudden transformation I was interested in. My daydreams tended to run in the vein of these type of movies, I was minding my own business, then Pow! I wake up a girl. I am in boy clothes, so I have to find something that fits to wear. Of course, instead of the whole movie concept of coming to terms with being a girl, I was overjoyed and ready to go. There aren’t any movies I know of, that are willing gender switched, that would have been awesome. I never really got over the wish that I would just wake up one day and be me. I thought that the only way I could be a girl, truly be, is to wish it, for magic to happen. There had been many a night where I lay awake crying, making the same wish over and over. That if I just wished hard enough, long enough, I wouldn’t be a stranger staring back at me when I woke up.
Monday, July 27, 2015
I’m a methodical person, I check everything twice and follow the rules. The one aspect of me, which does not follow conformity or the norm is my gender. So, recently, when I came out TG to my fiancé, I decided to educate myself on me. I have gone through books and websites, I was amazed at how many reference materials there are, and how broad the terminology can be. Once you start looking it is everywhere, from the dry definitions to the dubious guesses, it’s all out there to find. I don’t know how I didn’t see this until now. I know in the early 90’s I had tried looking but I couldn’t really find anything, unless you were looking in psychology texts, which is just fun <sarcasm> to peruse.
Anyway, I am wondering something I can’t really find, it seems to be glossed over a bit, either due to what I imagine must be painful memories, or it didn’t seem important after the fact. How does one transition (even start it really) and maintain a career, friends and family? Has anyone done it and kept the people and job that they love? Is there a way to approach this with your company (I work for the US side of a german-owned company of about 500+ employees)?
I don’t want to fully transition, I think I will leave the penis alone, it hasn’t done anything to me personally. It’s an aspect I can hide away and I don’t have to worry about anyone but my fiancé seeing it anyway. (one of the many plusses of getting married to an awesome woman.) But I want to do everything else I think. I feel drawn, despite my concerns, to attempt to make myself who I am on the inside. It’s in my thoughts night and day now. I just don’t know how to get started. I don’t want to freak my co-workers out, I don’t want to alienate my family. I know they will, and I am fairly sure I might on both counts. I would like to minimize it as much as possible if anyone has done it even moderately successfully.
Friday, July 24, 2015
I am so impressed by those who have transitioned, their strength, their will. I am in awe of those who can be who they are to the world. I cower in the shadow, I hide myself away to all. I don't think I have that courage. I could certainly be shot at and survive a war, but I can't seem to be who I am to the world, it's a very odd thing. I think I'm not being judged by the enemy, they hated me no matter what I was. I am judged now, I judge me more harshly than anyone else I'm sure. I feel ugly, I feel like someone put a bag of flesh over me and forced me into this life. I am never comfortable in my body, not awake. I dream and things are different, but waking up is a severe disappointment.
I travel through life, as if I am looking through a window. I am within this building and as I move, the building moves with me, large and bulky with parts I don't identify with. The building keeps me safe from others, I can see them through the window. But the price is I can never feel the air outside, I can never truly embrace an encounter.
Thursday, July 23, 2015
I can understand the feeling that my being non-transitioning would make me seem less serious than those who are transitioning. I am a woman, I have always been female since my earliest cohesive memory. This isn’t a burgeoning fantasy, or something “cool” to be. I hate it. I hate that I am not who I am. I hate that I have hidden who I am all my life in the belief that my parents would be hurt in some way, or even disown me. That my grandparents would not accept me. I didn’t want to be alone in life.
It has been building for years, thinking there was nothing I could do, then finding out there are things I can do. But when I found that you could change, transition, the results I saw were horrifying. Plastic and fake looking, these were to me, a parody of being. I didn’t want to be a man in women’s clothes, I didn’t want to be an obviously surgically altered man in women’s clothes either. They have advanced since then, and in that time I have bemoaned my getting married to a person who was already violently intolerant of her gay sister, she would have left me without a thought if I had come out to her. I was trying to be the man the world wanted me to be. I failed in that I think, in many ways.
I want to change, but I’m getting too old, and money would be an issue. I have responsibilities to my family, to my kids. In the scheme of things, I managed to still have a good life. I burn with regret, I still hate having the body of a man. But, I have good friends, and a good life despite it. I have a wonderful woman and children that I love. Changing now only hurts everyone I know and love. Changing now is a last minute grasp at some personal happiness. I know who I am inside, perhaps that will be enough, now that it’s so late in the game.
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
I’ve spoken of my fiancé a few times in previous posts. Other than my coming out, I don’t know that we have had a really frank discussion about my being transgender. I mean, she acknowledges that I am, and we discuss things like pansexuality, of which she is. And I have to admit after having the discussion, I most likely am as well. But there are things, where we had discussed going to the goodwill for our girls to go shopping for clothes, which they absolutely love to do. I had mentioned that I would like her to buy me a few dresses if we go, she kind of laughed and didn’t comment on that. I don’t know if this made her uncomfortable, or if because I am hiding this from our kids that somehow she is disappointed?
I have chosen not to tell the kids because they had a biological father who wasn’t around and made excuses and wanted drugs more than his children. He was a huge letdown to them before he ended up dying from a drug overdose. So I don’t want them to feel as if they are losing another father all over again. I think they would be accepting of whatever I chose to be, but they would feel hurt that yet another father has decided to be something else, other than there for them. It may well be cowardice on my part, I know that, I’ve practiced it for years, which is why I’m still a man.
So, the crux of this post is, I’m not sure exactly where I stand with my fiancé. I know she is good with it, but can I dress how I would like, act how I actually feel in front of her? I don’t want her to feel I am being foolish or grasping for something that isn’t going to happen. I just want to be me, even with this body anchoring me into this gender. I wear panties and I do wear womens jeans, she hasn’t commented on this and she does the laundry a lot more than I do. But I don’t think I can wear womens tops or dresses around her, I get the sense she would think it was stupid. I mean, it is in this body, but when no one is around, I don’t feel like a man wearing girl clothes, I can just feel like me wearing clothes I feel good in.
Anyway, am I being crazy? I haven’t told her about this blog yet. I want to, but I wanted something I could write in without fear, so I could be honest about my feelings. I don’t want to pander to her, or passively show her my feelings on here. I just want to get my thoughts out there.
I’m not sure how to feel or what to do, if anyone has suggestions, I would love to hear them.
Sunday, July 19, 2015
I'm a non-transitioning transgender, mainly because I don't like my body at all. I don't think I can transition and be happy, I would rather just not be a man at all. Also, I've waited too late in life to do anything about it, waiting until you have the courage is just being a coward your entire life, never taking a risk. I was too concerned with making everyone else happy I suppose. Everyone has their issues, and this is mine. I am a girl, it's hidden within a male penis-y candy shell. It doesn't mean I don't know the feeling of wanting to be noticed, or loved as a woman. These women are inspiring to me, as are many women who have decided to make the change. Give this show a shot, you won't be disappointed.
Friday, July 17, 2015
I've already said enough times how I regret not being a stronger person, trusting in others was never something I could manage. I don't trust people to be anything but an angry mob, I've seen the worst in people so it skews my ability to believe in people. I am in awe of those that made the transition and still managed to have a life and not be a complete shut-in.
I will not be the girl I am, it's just how it is. I will be flesh that I am, and I will mourn it. If I had it to do over again, I am sure I would be just as weak as I was the first time. Only slightly less than my deepest wish to be a girl, would be my wish to have courage enough to be who I am regardless of who thinks what.
If I could give anyone advice on their lives, it will always be to have the courage to live your life on your terms. It will be the only true regret that I have control over and failed to control.
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
Growing up I would develop crushes on girls in tv shows and movies, I also would pray to any entity that would listen that he/she would change me into one of them. Not the actress themselves, just their likeness. I was so utterly confused by my feelings and already withdrawn from almost everyone. I really really liked girls, but I also wanted to be them, I didn’t know what to do. Throw in the confusion of being in love with my best friend who was a boy, and I am very surprised, looking back, that I hadn’t tried something foolish like suicide. I never entertained it, only in looking back do I ponder why it never entered my mind. I would spend the night at his house a lot, and we slept in the same bed. He wasn’t the kind of boy to be attracted to other boys, but that didn’t stop me from lying there at night, wishing he would roll over and kiss me. Once he had inadvertently spooned me, I had woken up very early, and he was rock hard against me. I pushed into him, feeling him against me, in the silent hope he would take the next step, but it didn’t happen, he released me and turned over, still asleep. My crush on my friend eventually went away, and I never had that feeling for another man, though I can appreciate them as sexy or handsome. It took me years to understand that I going to love who I love and I don’t really care what gender they are, it’s about the soul, about them as a person. It’s always been women since, but I think that it could have been men if I had met the right one.
Monday, July 13, 2015
I’ve been going to a lot of trans sites lately, (I’ve always felt like a girl, but circumstances and money have always been an issue) and found a lot of really good information. I don’t have a girls body-type, and I have a lot of body hair which bothers me. I tried shaving my face, and I can keep it clean shaven for a day, then I have to shave again, and even then in a few hours it doesn’t look clean shaven. My legs and armpits do fine, I can keep them smooth for three or four days at a time, but my face is a lost cause in my current condition. I can’t be physically a woman, so I know that this is all just to make me feel better, but it bothers me to no end that if I wanted to wear a dress or a cute outfit, I would still be in a mans body and on top of that, I would be sporting at the very least a 5 o’clock shadow. I don’t want to be a circus freak, or gawked at, I just want to be me and me isn’t this body. I hate tucking as well, but I don’t know if I would have ever gone all the way with that, since there is a lot of things that can go wrong. I don’t want to really cut anything off, I just want it to have never been there at all.
A lot of times, I dream about being a woman and there are times where I know the feeling of someone being inside me. I love women, but I think that even then, I would want her to thrust into me. I can get excited through anal stimulation, but in the dreams, it’s not that way, it’s the sensations (I can only surmise) are through vaginal stimulation. It’s different than when my penis is stimulated, it’s not the sharp finish? I guess? I don’t know, but I wake up feeling desperately empty inside after those dreams.
Our daughter is going to spend some time with her friends in another state, and this would be a great time to wear something I could enjoy, a dress or a nice blouse, a sundress. But I only have to see a reflection of the skin I am in and then I would feel a right idiot for doing it. I don’t want to look foolish, grasping for a feeling in front of my fiancé. She would be fine, I would not. Sigh.
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
I wish I had been brave when I was younger. I wish I had done a lot of things differently. I have grown up, knowing that to be different gets you targeted. I would say, “in the south” but let’s face it, it doesn’t matter where you are from, to be different puts you in a bad position. Being different, sexually, even more so.
Had I been brave, I would have talked to my Mom. She would have supported me, she would have cried for losing a son, but she would have supported me I think. I would have gone on hormone treatments, and started the process for change as young as I could. I don’t know if my Dad would have dealt with it well, who knows, I never gave him the option. I don’t know that my life would have been any better, but I would be more me, than I am now.
I am always intensely interested in tv shows that feature some actor, usually female, acting the part of a transgender female. But it fits what I would have had to deal with, if in a rather magnified way. There was this episode of Law and Order, in which a pre-op girl was forced into revealing herself to her straight boyfriend. I cried during that episode. I cried for her and I cried for me. Thing is, I don’t want to be a transgender anything, I just want to be what I am.
But life doesn’t do perfect, it doesn’t do fair. So I am relegated into the title of transgender, or to the unenlightened, transvestite. So in light of the unfairness of life, I am what I am. (apparently I’m Popeye) To think of all the time I wasted, trying not to hurt anyone’s feelings, trying to fit in, to not have my brothers think of me as a freak. I should have been brave, I should have borne my families scorn and societies injustice. I would have gladly traded my time in the military towards changing into a semblance of who I am in my head. I would love all that time back, but it’s gone. I can only hope that the next life chooses to put my soul in the right body. This is a long shot, but really, what do I have to lose by being hopeful.
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
I try to be the kind of person who takes what is given to them and deals with it. I have had friends who get great jobs, or who have earned wonderful opportunities, and I always try to be glad for them. I like to think that I don’t react with jealousy. I want people to do well, I want my friends to especially do well. So when I say that there are times in which I am jealous of other people, I want you to understand that I don’t enjoy feeling that way.
There are times, where I am jealous of girls for being able to just be girls. I won’t, in this life, be able to be a girl. I could be a man who changes into a woman, or a man who wears womens clothes, pretending to be a woman. There is no brain transplant, there is no change for me that is real. I know it’s petty to be jealous, and I don’t always feel that way, but it does sneak up on me from time to time.
I feel, in many ways like this is a half life, a displacement, where I am only me in my head and everywhere else I am just this guy that I don’t recognize. It’s hard to look at the mirror or a photo without thinking, why am I this man? I certainly don’t think the way I look, and there are times when I am talking to my fiancé about clothes or how I am feeling and I suddenly feel very foolish for what I must look like to her. A big man, who is talking about a pretty dress and how I can’t go shopping like I would like to.
Saturday, June 13, 2015
I have yard work today, hopefully. I find it is therapeutic in it's monotony. There is nothing to distract me while I just work, a blissful meditation.
I love my fiance, she is absolutely the finest human being there is. I have such love for her, it's inadequate to use words to describe it, for it will only pale in its comparison of its breadth and depths. She is my soul mate, truly, and I despise people that use that term. I can't believe she puts up with me and my quirks. I am a girl who is a guy and she just lets me be me. When I told her, I really thought that she would have issues with it. She didn't seem thrown at all, I'm glad, don't get me wrong, but it left me wondering how well I was actually hiding it.
I had to lead with "transvestite" which I hate. I'm a girl inside and clothes don't know gender so why do I need a label?! As Eddie Izzard says, "they aren't women's clothes. they are my clothes, I bought them." He is so many levels of cool and brave.
So, I explained to my fiance that I was a girl inside, that I wore womens clothes and I was hiding it from the entire world, except for her. I felt like I put a lot of information on her that day and I felt bad for doing it. But, I didn't want to marry her without her knowing the truth. And she just accepted it! She said ok, and moved on with her day. I didn't know how to take it, I thought that maybe she was going to act like it had never happened, or that this is something I could never bring up again. But no, she has no issue with talking about it and it doesn't bother her that I wear panties. I love this woman, she is really the best.
Ok, I have gushed enough and I'm starting to tear up. Time to get things done around the house.