Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Shining, gleaming, streaming, flaxen, waxen

I got my first wig today!!! Ok, so it is inexpensive and it's from Amazon. It isn't the best wig but it isn't the worst. 
I wore it only for a few minutes this morning, it made me feel much more feminine. It was very warm to wear so I don't know about summer wear, perhaps a bob for the summer. I am very happy! Now if I can get some me time to explore and do makeup, that would be awesome! 
Any suggestions on wig care or perhaps trimming would be great. Going to look up a few things today. Also, anyone have suggestions on makeup starter kits? I rarely do makeup but now I'm feeling the mood!

Friday, December 25, 2015

Happy Christmas!

Ok, so I still have not come out to anyone but my wife. And I am still boy mode at work and mostly at home. It's not perfect, perhaps it never will be. I have my health, a loving family and a roof over our heads. Despite my complaining, it isn't a bad life.

So, I sincerely hope that you all have a wonderful Christmas and a happy new year. I hope for you all, is that you get what you need and a little of what you wish for.

My wish is that you will find some of the peace on earth that this season often promises.

Thursday, December 17, 2015

Properly Ashamed

Reading my previous post, I admit I was tempted to delete it. I feel like I was being a bit selfish, whether or not it's true, I'm not sure. I've always felt that any time or money I've spent on myself is a selfish act. So, it's hard to tell. Are there any transgendered that are not damaged goods in some way? I like to think that there are those who are sound and happy in their life, despite the incorrect genitalia.

Happiness is measured in moments. It's something that has always haunted me since I heard it many years ago. I was abused by my father, he was an angry man. He grew out of it, became a good grandfather, but my childhood was not the best. You could pin my female psyche on this one aspect of my life if you wish. It is a chicken/egg scenario: am I a product of abuse, or was I abused because he saw the girl in me? Certainly I was not a manly boy, I gravitated towards things girls did, and I carried myself as a girl. I liked being clean, didn't like bugs, wanted the wonder woman underoos, rather than Spider-Man. My daydreams about girls was being them. So, he had ample, confused, anger ammo with which to use against me. 

This genetic curse has ruled my life, it doesn't rule my dreams or my soul. I'm a woman, this flesh is what I have to wear, it doesn't tell me who I am. (My mantra against dark thoughts)

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Irrational or not, still upset

Mornings are mine, it's the only time I get. Yet my wife and now my adult son, who still hasn't found a job, is now up with me in the mornings. I know this would, under normal circumstances, but silly and unjustified. But it takes away any time, there is NO time for me now. I am upset and angry. It's more about our son than my wife, he seems to spend more time lounging around and enjoying the spoils of my hard work than he does anything else. So, my time is becoming my work, which isn't right, and I can't be who I am there, so not really my time at all. Am I being over-emotional? Perhaps, but I don't think so.

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Unusual Morning

Early mornings are mine, if you’ve read previous posts, you know. I like to wear clothes I feel normal in, a dress or some jeggings and a nice top. I check the mail, go for a walk if it isn’t too cold, just enjoy some “me” time. I don’t wear these when my wife is up, typically, because she isn’t up during that time. She sleeps in until our youngest goes to school, and by that time I am halfway to work. So, it hasn’t come up and she hasn’t asked about my clothes. She knows I have them, I have shown her what I buy when I buy them. So this morning was different. I had just taken a shower, and shaved (I HATE shaving my face so much) my legs and then my face. So I came out of the shower in a nice olive colored, low cut, sweater dress I just picked up a couple of days ago, to find my wife sitting on the couch in the living room. For a moment I was frozen, this situation hadn’t happened before, then I just entered the room and picked up my phone to check facebook. It turns out she had a toothache and had trouble sleeping, not a word was said about what I was wearing, which I kind of expected. We talked for a bit and I found that I had forgotten what I was wearing and almost got in my truck wearing my “not work” clothes. So, I ran back in and put on admittedly still girl, but harder to detect clothes. I hate having to check myself, but even if I changed right now, I would just be unemployed, so work clothes wouldn’t even be an issue, but living would.

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Molds, boxes and other containers

Fitting into the mold of someone else’ idea of what you should be is tiring. I’m me, I’m not you, I have my own beliefs and my own identity. I don’t have it all figured out and my mind isn’t made up about anything. I have lived a good part of a standard lifetime and my glass is still half-full, so there is still space to believe the impossible, to dream and to want more. I am a girl in my head, my body doesn’t fit the brain. You don’t have to believe it, I don’t require you to do anything at all for this to be a reality.


I hide what I hide, from whom I wish to hide it. I will come out to those I want to come out to, it’s my choice, no one else’s. I may not fit the idea of a transsexual for a lot of people, I may not behave how most wish I would. My life is determined, for better or worse, by me. I have made bad choices, I have regrets, but they are owned by me. And guess what? I will make bad choices again, hopefully not the same ones as before. 


I am a girl. I like ice cream and I don’t like cabbage. These are indisputable facts about me. I’m actually pretty simple if you take all the bullshit away.

Monday, December 7, 2015

Reasoning and understanding

It took me many years to understand why I became so flustered by pretty women. I was not stunned by their beauty, not all the time though there were times that happened. I was flustered in the same way any girl would when confronted with some one prettier, anyone with marginal self-esteem that is. I felt inadequate and very small. I felt it more since I was in this body, I was so unattractive to myself. It was, of course, always taken as I was shy around women, it wasn't the case. Even now, I get flustered around pretty girls. My mind whirls around with a combination of envy and melancholy. I don't feel that way about my wife, she is wonderful and beautiful and still wants to be with me. So she is the exception. Just feeling like a bit of honesty today. 

Friday, December 4, 2015


I hate being depressed. I keep thinking to myself, "get over it, walk it off". But that never works. I'm an introvert, prone to introspection. Which is bad. I look back and get depressed that I didn't do things differently, or be a better person, or be the gender I should be. So I spend a lot of time compartmentalizing my thoughts and feelings. It holds for a while and then the levee breaks. I hate this body, I hope there is a soul so when I die I can leave this thing and be consciously free of it. I know it sounds shallow, but I just want to be pretty, I want to be loved, as me the real me not the man flesh I'm standing in now. It's amazing, not in a good way, how something as small as a chromosome has managed to bung up my entire life. Sorry now I'm just ranting.

Thursday, November 26, 2015

Down to here, down to there


I have my hair cut very very short, I hate having it that short, but my mid-way to long hair is horrible and takes a while and I have a new job this year. So I need help in determining a really good, economical wig. I could go with the more expensive ones, and I shall, but I want to have something right now and a custom wig is not in the cards at the moment. It's not going to resolve my fear of going out in "girls" clothes, but it will make me feel more feminine.

My real issue, is that despite the armor that I wear each day of "not caring", I really do care what other people think. I care far too much. I care that my wife will think less of me, I care that other people will see a "guy", I care that I use to many " ". It's the reason why I haven't come out, it's the reason why I hide. I worry over what other people will think in their heads. It's a real pain.

Anyway, if anyone can suggest a nice wig maker from say amazon that would be great.

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Stiletto steps

Ok, so I wasn't sure if this was oversharing, it probably is but I'm going to do it anyway. So I have been looking for a way to broach the subject of my wife making love to me, with a strap-on. And with work and the trip, it has been very hard for us to get together long enough for me to get to that subject. Alright, I have been the main hurdle there. I just don't want to add yet another issue to the many issues I already bring to the table. I am an issue machine it seems.

I feel that we made it a step closer, to her accepting I am a woman who wants to feel like a woman. I had put on this very night-gownish dress and was laying in bed with her on a weekend. It was one of those deliciously comfortable weekend mornings where sex is most pleasurable if the other person would wake up! So I was laying there, the feel of this silky material, under the covers and cuddling with my sleeping wife. I was feeling very feminine and very much wished she would take me.

I don't want to go into too much detail, out of respect for the wife. But we made love that morning and she was ok with me wearing traditionally feminine clothing whilst doing it. She was very handsy, so I think she really liked it. I just enjoyed feeling even moderately feminine during sex. I rarely am able to feel that, I usually feel mechanical and one-sided. So this was nice.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Lost and Found

So, I have had a few days to get back into work and to spend time with family. Getting everything back to relative normal. One of those normal activities is my putting on a nice little dress and my ballet slippers and going for a walk in the very early hours. I have one neighbor, and everything else is farmland or undeveloped for a few miles. So the only thing I have to be careful of is a car or two that may pass. I say be careful because I have very short hair right now and no wig (yet), so I make for some nice areas to hide? no, briefly pause while a car goes past. It's not just the idea that I will get beaten to death by a group of redneck guys wielding shotguns in a pickup truck. It's the idea that they will briefly see a girl in a short dress and slow to check her out and then realize it's a "guy" and then I will be beaten to death. So I pause while they go by, behind a nice tree or electrical access.

Anyway, back to this neighbor. I don't get on with these people, they are literally a house full of felons (confirmed by the sheriffs deputy that came out when I called them about their loose dogs that were attacking our dog that was leashed and being lead by our 12 year old daughter). Anyway, I was walking down to the road when I hear a cough from next door, which is still a good distance away. The woman next door smokes and she goes outside to do it, which makes good common sense if you have a meth lab in the house. (It's my guess from the odor)

So I am like a deer in headlights, as I see her walk off of her darkened porch. I am beside my truck at that point, so I am mostly hidden, but she could have seen me at any point between my house and the truck. She is standing there looking across the yard right at me and I panic a bit and do the "looking for something in my truck" rummaging after I turn off the dome light. I knew I couldn't walk out and go to my house, so there I am looking for nothing in my truck. I don't want to come out to this woman, of all people. She went back inside after a while and I went back into my house, slightly shaken. I was sure that she had seen the "guy" next door wearing a dress.

For a moment I was upset, then I just didn't care that much. The thought was in my head that I would stop my early morning walks for a bit. But I was back out there the next morning, and this morning. It's my only "real me" time. I just want to be the girl on the outside that I am on the inside, it's so hard to make that happen. If god doesn't make mistakes then what does that make me? It's frustrating and upsetting and I am tired of finding out people that I respected are now just bigoted jerks. I'm tired of not being who I am. I'm tired of hiding behind things when cars go by. (though at 4am any girl in a short dress should hide from cars going by on a lonely road, just saying)

Monday, November 16, 2015


I made it back home this weekend, despite the airline strike that cancelled many of the same flights days before. It looks as though this was a good weekend to leave, given the violence in France. It's a real shame when religion rules the mind instead of the heart.

I'm exhausted from dealing with my boss for two weeks on a 24 hour/7 day basis. And I'm sad that I have to find a new job to be me. This was a frightening and eye opening trip, our business is going through a LOT of changes on a fundamental level, and I know what these managers think outside of work. I'm already dealing with the back and forth of trying to become me, it's hard enough internally. If I go through this, I still won't be the me in my head, just closer. I don't doubt that I am a woman, I've known that before I even knew what a girl was. I just doubt I can afford the surgeries and doing things halfway was never me.

Anyway, I'm emotionally tired and I have to go to work in an hour. Let the fun begin.

Thursday, November 5, 2015

ich bin eine frau

I've been in Germany almost a week. I've spent most of that time with my co-workers and bosses. We have been out to drink, which I don't really care to do, several times. I like experimenting with beer, mainly to see if I can find one I actually like. But hanging out with my bosses after they have had a few drinks clarifies a lot of things for me. I can never come out to these misogynistic, homophobic jerks about who I am. I didn't join in with their gay jokes or with their making fun of two gentlemen who where enjoying time together in a nice plaza. They made remarks about skinny jeans on men, how gay it was, how they should just wear dresses. It was a pretty bad night. I have to work with these people but I don't even want to look at them. I struggle with my body image and gender so the thing I really want to hear is how a lovely woman looks like a dude. But I endure this because I have a family, I have to work. So I can't be me to them, to people like them. I don't care what they think, I do care that they can put me out of a job. Other than these jerks, Germany has been fun. The people are very nice and I love the towns. One more week to endure/enjoy.

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

The Trip, Business

So, I'm going on a trip to Germany soon. I will be going with all my bosses (2) and other managers at my level. They are all men and they are all in their own click, good ol' boys. I have always been the odd one out among them, in more ways than they know. But now we are going to be way too close to each other. Also, we are going to be in various states of undress, in a cleanroom situation. [ there is a gowning procedure, which includes taking everything off but your underwear and putting on a cleanroom jumper] So, that sucks. First of all, I'm not comfortable being around boys in their underwear, I had to endure that in the military, at least some of them were cute. This is not the case now, and I don't want my bosses spotting things like shaved legs, they are not attractive and I'm married. Before I come out, I am going to have to find a new job, I would be run out of this one by these guys.

So, I am going to have to full boy mode it, take away the very few things that make me feel feminine. I will have a few things in my luggage so I can dress how I want in the privacy of my hotel room. But I'm nervous about the TSA thing searching my luggage. Anyway, if I come out, I want it to be on my terms, no one elses. I know I am giving away far too many details about my life as well on here. I have to reign it in a bit.

So I have to wear boxers and hope they don't eye me while I get undressed and dressed again. I'm growing my facial hair out and cut my hair short for the trip to help with the ruse. My hair wasn't that long to begin with so no big deal, but I HATE not being shaved, not being smooth on my face. The things I do to remain employed.

I haven't posted on here in a while, been very busy preparing everything for this trip.

Friday, October 16, 2015

Some Me Time!

My wife and kids are away on a weekend camping trip that I couldn't attend due to work. So, I am home alone! I picked out a cute outfit, put on some nail polish, and took our dog for a walk. I wish I had a nice wig, my next purchase or perhaps a christmas gift from the wife? I keep my hair short for work, unfortunately. Perhaps that will change for the new company... <making a cup of tea>

Ok, so I waffle back and forth on transitioning. It's a matter of telling my mother, who is very sick and I don't want to be any additional stress on her already fragile state. And my job, which I am currently going through transition within itself. I want to start HRT, I want to do something! I have waited so long, far too long. I also worry that my wife will think this is something that won't include her. It will always include her. I don't worry about her family, she has always been above what her parents think. I worry more about my family (other than my mom), who I am still trying to please for some reason. Anyway, I waffle. waffle, syrup, waffle and butter.

I used to do a podcast with my best friend, we will call him... D'Argo. We covered some geek related things like BtVS and Farscape and other things. It got pretty popular actually, I was surprised to find. We were guest speakers at a few cons and were even asked for a few autographs. I only mention this because I really miss podcasting. I found a few files from the podcast and I am just very nostalgic right now. Anyway, D'Argo got married and has been ill for a while, he was the real talent of the show, I was the director/producer and the co-talent. I miss those days. Sigh.

I want to tell D'Argo that I am not John (a boy), but Aeryn (me, girly girl). Ok Aeryn is a bad choice, she is a bad ass and I am not that confrontational. I want to tell him that I am me, a girl. However, he is married to a woman that treats him badly, that doesn't have his best interests at heart, but that he still for some reason loves. I would rather her not have this information. So, sadly I must keep this information from a man that I truly love as my brother. I am not in the least worried about telling him, he would not abandon me, he would accept me. But what his wife would do with the information (shudder) I don't want to think. Eventually, this may all be a moot point, should I transition. I just miss my brother and the few times we talk, I stop short of telling him everything I want to tell him.

I am participating in a few support groups online. I am trying to find a group in RL, so wish me luck on that in this small town area. I am listening to a few podcasts, and I mentioned one of them previously, Trans-ponder.com. However, I started at the beginning, I am a completion-ist that way, so I didn't realize that it had pod-faded for some reason. so it ends in 2014 which is sad. I'm not to the end yet, far from it, so I am ploughing ahead with it until the inevitable end. It's still a good podcast and worth the listen.

I am happy in my life, I am happy with my family. I am deeply sad about me. I don't know where the time went, I don't know why I didn't act while I was young. I am so angry at young me for being so stupid. Sure, it was harder to find any information without the interwebs, and transitioning seemed like an impossibility, but why oh why didn't I do it then? I spent way too much time being hopeful that some entity would just change me into a girl, that some magic would fix all my problems. I spent too much time ignoring what I was because I didn't feel there was any way out. Bah, now I am in a bad mood. Ok, going to drink my quickly cooling cup of tea.

Thursday, October 15, 2015


I have been listening to a lot of podcasts lately, following my interests or hobbies. One of the most honest and well done is the Trans-Ponder podcast. Mila and Jayna are insightful and witty, true to their nature without pandering to any one section of the trans community. They are who I wish I had grown up to be. Well done!

Sunday, October 11, 2015

What about Martin?

So, in a previous post I mentioned my transgender FtM stepson. We.. "WE" were having trouble letting go of her so that she could become him in our minds. I can't believe I had so much trouble with it. Of all people, of all of us, I should have known better. I am disappointed in myself. I won't make excuses, there were a lot of factors, but there always is, so shame on me.

Anyway, I have embraced the pronouns and he is Martin. I will miss my stepdaughter, I loved her so much. But I love Martin, my stepson enough to respect his feelings and he hasn't changed on the inside, he is still my child. My intelligent, smartass, brave son.

However, my wife, bless her, is having trouble. She is very open minded, but she loves her children to a fault, as all mothers should. So she can't quite let go of her daughter. She needs more time I think. This isn't about the transgender issue, it's about letting her daughter go and making the firm decision to change herself as well. This is why I can't come out to my mother. She could handle the transgender part, but her first born son to her will have gone and been replaced with a daughter. It's hard to wrap the brain around for anyone. My mom doesn't have that kind of time, so she will always, in her mind, have a son. I am duty bound and bound by love to gift her that. If we were both younger, this part of my transition wouldn't even be an issue.

So, right now I am the only one in the house calling him Martin or using proper pronouns. That leaves a mother, daughter and son, three that continue to call him a her and using her old name. It's creating a division here, obviously. They have all, with exception of our youngest daughter, which I'm honestly not sure about, said that they are waiting to see if it "takes." To see if it is real. I'm not sure how to answer that, it's real to him, it doesn't have to be real to anyone else. I'm sitting here in the early morning, typing on my trans blog wearing a little black dress and heels, after having felt like a girl since living memory, you tell me when it is real to you.

I understand their hesitation, I understand their wanting to hold on. I'm just frustrated that these people, the most open minded people I know, are still not letting this happen. Love has to let go, love is open arms.

Saturday, October 10, 2015

How it is to be Miss Tobi

I was recently contacted about posting a link to Linda's video which features Miss Tobi, an artist in Berlin. I watched the video and was taken with how every Transgender feels differently about what they are and how they fit in to the world. Tobi's feelings about being trans are different than mine, but no less valid.

The Video:
How It Is To Be Miss Tobi: I don’t feel like a woman, I don’t feel like a man, I feel transgender.

I am posting as well Linda's blog, which appears to be a life-coach blog. Just in case anyone is interested.

How it is to be You

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

The Transgender Activism Paradox

I'm a lurker, it's what I do. I have, since living memory, watched everyone from inside myself. I don't participate, I watch. If I were on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, even though I would love to be Buffy, sadly I would have been Anthony Head, the watcher. I learn a lot from watching, and rarely being noticed. I am not a distraction so people tend to say more than they intended. Here is what I have noticed in my short time lurking.

If you are a transitioning transgender, you are most likely to disappear from the community. Your period of activism or participation ends once you have fully transitioned. It's not your fault. The caterpillar doesn't revisit the cocoon,  it flies away the butterfly into another life, borne on the air. The transgender community appears to be populated by only a few that have fully transitioned, those who have decided to stay and fight for legitimacy of the transgender community. This isn't a dig at those who have left, to be stealth or who are passing without effort, I think it's wonderful. I am not judging anyone. If I could pass, if I could live my day to day as a girl, you would never see me again. It's the curse, the curse of the transgender. No one truly wants to be this, to be physically the wrong gender. So when we get what we want, we just want to be a regular boy or girl.

It's also what we wish for any other transgender we meet. There are several I talk to on here that I am in contact with, I wish nothing more than that they get what they want, to be a real girl, to transition. I would love them to lead normal lives, falling in love, having a family. A normal life isn't protesting or joining in LGBT issues. It marks you, brings your transition into a clinical light for all to see, to remember you as a transgender MtF or FtM, not as you, not as the woman or man who just wants to live their life. If you are just gay, then it's a matter of you being attracted to the same gender. It's a right you have been fighting for, for a long bloody time. To marry, to live as a gay person without prejudice. But to be a transgender, gay or straight, you don't really get to live with yourself. You get to bemoan the body you are in, or change it, but you still live with something you get to bring up over and over. You had to change yourself to feel like you. It's not about sexual orientation. So for a transgender, it's like joining AA to announce you have a fear of spiders.

Don't get me wrong. I believe in the cause. I believe that we need to be heard and we need the same rights as everyone else. So, the question becomes, how do you participate in the "T" part of the LGBT and still retain our woman or man-hood. Must our transition define us so that we can never just be us?

Tell me.

Saturday, October 3, 2015

I am the Girl

I am the girl, who who falls for the cute boy.
Who isn't noticed at first, but then he finally really sees.

I am the girl, with whom a boy falls in love and pursues.
He finally gets me by doing something profound.

I am the girl that kisses another girl.
Who learns that love isn't always what you expect.

I am the girl, that doesn't care what others think.
And in this way claims the love and trust of another woman.

I am the girl that curls up on her couch after breaking up.
Who watches old movies and knows them by heart.

I am the girl that loses her love, thinking never to love again.
Then she finds love in the heart of a good man.

I am the girl, who dreams of her big break.
Who is betrayed, but finds that her strength will get her through.

I am the girl, who is waiting for her prince.
To be rescued and taken to his castle to become his bride.

I am the girl, who is popular and sexy.
Who helps a nerd be cool, but in the end finds she loves him as he was.

I am the girl, that is desperate to get away.
Pursued by a crazy man, but finds the courage to beat him.

I am the girl with seemingly no care in the world.
Who helps someone realize a truth, and is fondly remembered once she is gone.

I am the girl who is brutalized and beaten.
That fights back and manages through sheer will to bring them to justice.

I am the girl who has been alone for a long time.
Who is brought back to the world by a caring and gentle man.

        I watched a lot of movies and TV in my life. I always identified with the girl. I wasn't the action hero, I was the love interest. I wasn't the infatuated boy, I was the object of his affection. I was Wonder Woman, I was Marion Ravenwood, I was Diane Court and Samantha Baker. I lived through their eyes and cried when they cried, fought when they fought, was brave when they were brave. No John Hughes movie was watched without me being the girl in my head. No fantasy in which I was not the enigmatic and svelte elven princess. When you see me, truly see me, you will know that I am the girl.

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Do-ing the Right Thing

This weekend I am going to look into support groups online. (thanks for the prompting “L”) I have a lot of thoughts that are flying through my head and I need some guidance or at least some one to say, “hey stop that!” I want to transition really badly, I want to be what I am. They seem like the same thing, but they really aren’t. If you have read any of my previous posts, you probably already know how I feel about transitioning. But it is as close as I will ever be to being what I am on the inside. So I keep thinking why not. Why not do it and try to be as happy as I can be. Work could be an issue, it’s a new job and I don’t know how this will fly there. How will this affect my family overall? Lots of things, and lots of reasons to find a support group. If anyone has suggestions I would be open to them.

Also I have started running in the mornings, despite my fear of running right into a bear (mountains, so it can happen easily). I’m looking online to see what exercises I can do to feminize my body. If anyone has suggestions to that I would appreciate it as well. I can find most of this information online, but you can’t beat other peoples knowledge of what works and what doesn’t.

I want to thank those of you who have been emailing me, with words of encouragement and wisdom and just to say hi. I very much appreciate your thoughts. I am trying my best to break out of being this loner chick who doesn’t do anything but lurk on other people’s blogs. I am trying to involve myself in the trans community. It’s not easy, it’s very hard to depend on other people, to allow them access to my feelings. This blog is a part of what I am trying to do, to undo years and years of doing things the wrong way, the easy way. Anyway, thanks for reading and participating, I am going to return the kindness.

Monday, September 28, 2015

Let's talk about, you know

So, this is an embarrassing subject for me. I was an early masturbator, like 6 years old early. So I like sex, I like the thought of sex. I'm not a huge fan of the act, but I like the finish. Thing is, I've never cared for my penis. I mean sure I treat it ok, keep it clean, use it when I must, but we have at best been neutral to one another. I like using it on my wife, but that is only because I don't have a vagina to receive pleasure with. I like receiving anal sex, because I again, don't have a vagina, and it can be very pleasurable. I've never had anal with another person present, it's  always been a solo venture, mostly because I don't know how to broach the subject with my wife. I don't want to be crass, and I am already a self-confessed sex-shy person. I think saying "hey hon, you know that thing I do to you, can you wear this and do it to me?" May not be the most tactful way to go about it. She likes gay porn, it's something I am finding a lot of women like, so I'm not sure if this might be a thing for her. I have a hard time letting myself be in a place of vulnerability. (I don't know if you caught that in my last 30 or so posts) it's one thing solo, where I am in my head, fantasizing. But I have had fantasies of her wearing a strap on and those are some great fantasies. I'm wondering if it would completely weird her out.  Any thoughts on this? Am I wanting too much? Would I be asking too much of my wife to ask her to make love to me as a woman? 

Saturday, September 26, 2015

The Verge of Things

I have been on the cusp of telling people, my son, my daughters, my best friend, about me. I don't think any of them would have a problem really, our youngest perhaps would have trouble understanding. The thing stopping me is, well me. If I tell them who I am, I fear they will forget who I was to them. I am a woman, but I am still proudly their father (and in the case of my best friend, still his best friend).

The duality is the crux of being Trans. I remember as a young adult, seeing a person dressed half as a bride and half as a groom on some tv show. It was a mental punch that I couldn't avoid. The symbolism of  who I was, a man on the outside, a woman on the inside, it was not an easy thing to see. I was always repelled by that costuming, a mockery of my situation. In my day to day, I try to avoid recognizing my body, I keep everything compartmentalized. I brush my teeth, focus on the teeth, I shave my face, just keep focus on my eyes. I try not to take myself all in, I don't want to see this man standing there. I don't like photos of myself, I avoid group photos at all costs. I don't hate me, I hate the shell that I am wearing.

Anyway, I have been on the verge several times, telling my family and friend about who I really am. There is this pull to let them know that I am the soul and not the body they see. I don't like lying, I don't like omitting which is just an easy lie. I believe they deserve to know the truth. My wife has been keeping my secret, but now I feel false when I don't acknowledge who I am with others while she is present.

Our youngest just had a birthday and she wants to go to Goodwill with me, she likes to get clothes there. It's become a thing for the two of us, going to Goodwill and searching for cool things for her to wear. I'm really good at picking out cute outfits, she has no idea why. But I wish I could shop with her, find cute outfits together. Just two ladies shopping without some stigma of "the weird guy trying on womens clothes" being the issue. So, we just shop for her stuff, all the while I am mentally marking the outfits I would put together.

I'm all over the place today, sorry. It's rainy and chilly, really my kind of weather. I have a nice hot cup of earl grey, with lots of sugar and it's dark outside. Nice time right now. I wore my favorite dress and slippers for while, went for a short walk before the rain started up again, the little moments of feeling feminine, of feeling free from myself. The air blowing across my smooth legs and the nice swish of my dress as I walked is just freeing.

I love my family, but I look forward to the rare times when they are all gone from the house and I can just be me all day long. I can sit out on the front porch in a cute outfit and read my kindle and watch people drive by. (they can't see my house very well from the road, so I don't feel exposed at all) There are times where I will listen to Selena Gomez who has a wonderful voice, or Christina Perri and dance. I can close my eyes and dance with no thoughts of this body, just me dancing. Just Beth dancing to music.

Friday, September 25, 2015

And I sigh

It's almost 5 am, I'm sitting on the couch in my new favorite dress and wearing a cute pair of ballet slippers. The rain outside is coming down at a faster pace now. I usually like to take a walk but the rain is bad enough that I don't think an umbrella would suffice in keeping me dry at all.
So, I sit here in the dark, going over in my head the ways I could come out to my children. So that I don't have to sit in the dark anymore. I sit here, hopeful that some miracle will happen and I will physically become a girl. I'm a dreamer that way. I still dream of being me, the not this person. Then my time will run out, I will have to get ready for work, which will not include putting on makeup or finding something nice to wear. And I will go into work where people call me "sir" and "man" and I will take a moment of my day to go into the men's room and cry because I am in the men's room.
If there was a test that doctors could have run on an infant me, they could have fixed me, my parents would have known that this is a medical issue not a "my son decided" issue. I would still be this strange body, but it would be less strange and I could have grown into it correctly. I'm a dreamer. One that sits in the dark, on a couch, in a nice dress, just being me.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

The Anomaly in the Machine


Anyone who wonders why I am not out, why I hide behind the internet. The responses to facebook postings of this are why. The level of hate, the sheer idiocy and bigoted remarks, remind me why people are not to be trusted. I'm not going to repeat the "arguments" these people made, the point is that they were pretty overwhelmingly against the poor lady. She actually took things rather well considering the treatment she was given. And yet, this woman will be subjected to far worse in the days to come, thanks to media slant and political agenda. People as a whole are mean and vindictive, those with agendas, doubly so.

She deserves to be treated as a person with respect, there is no need to quantify her for this to have impact. If my mom had been treated this way I would have been livid. I am no less livid for the way this woman was treated and is being currently treated.

Sharing is caring

There are times that people surprise me. It doesn't happen often, as most people tend to let me down. I want them, most times, to think like I do, to believe in the things I believe in. It's unfair and over-controlling, I know. But it's how I am and that is one of the reasons why I have few friends. 

But this morning, Michelle (Yes I put her name out there accidentally in a post a few days ago) and I were texting and I told her I was looking for some ballet flats in my size. (an unfortunate womens size 13) And she didn't evade the issue, she was very supportive. I thought she would ignore that part of the text and go on about the other things. We both tend to be passive about things, ignoring what makes us uncomfortable. I was very happy that she was able to talk to me about it. I have read where the spouses don't want to be involved in things, like makeup or all the things they learned as children to do now as women. I don't want to push her away by involving her in my learning to show myself as a woman externally, but I really want her to be a part of it. I want her to help me pick out a wig that would fit my personality. I have very short hair, so a good wig is a necessity. I want her to be involved, I want to share this part of me with her. I want her to want to borrow my clothes. 

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Winter is Coming

So today we go to move our son back to the house. Our daughter is happy, but I think mostly because she is lonely being the only child left in the house. Michelle I think is secretly happy, I understand a mother never wants her children to really leave. I am not happy, I'm not upset, it's just a thing that is happening. I want him to stand on his own two feet, but I don't mind helping him in moments of need. That is what parents do for their children.

I am going to hide the few things that mark me as transgender in the back of my closet. I seriously want to cry. I hate hiding in the first place, I have done it for so long. I have lied to so many people I care about my entire life. So hiding it now breaks my heart. It's for the best, it's hard to explain transgender, even harder to explain the non-transitioning transgender. You come off as false, as not wanting it enough, as a coward. Ok, I am a bit of a coward when it comes to this. But I don't think I would adequately explain this to our children. I think they would believe I am a transvestite, which would be like calling me a man. I don't have any problem at all with transvestites, but I'm no more one of them than I am an oil tycoon.

So I am hiding again. I could put things past our 12 year old, who doesn't notice that my shaved legs aren't naturally smooth, that doesn't realize I am wearing jeans that aren't made for boys. I am hiding again. I hate this, I hate being this guy. I hate this body that I am trapped in. I can work on this body all I want, it will still be him. I will still see me trapped in his eyes. I prayed as a child, for so long, that I would wake up, that I would just wake up and be me. I lost my faith in a god at a fairly young age, prayers never answered, nothing to tell me that it's ok to feel how I feel. I am jealous and hurt, angry and sad. I'm all the negative things I try to avoid, but I am. I hate being me.

Hate, a word I try to never use and I just filled out a paragraph with the word. Ok I have to calm down. It's not the end of the world, it's just me having to hide more, to not be me more, to act as if this is all ok. It's not ok, it's not right. But here I go anyway.

Friday, September 18, 2015

Gravity sandwich

So, I'm in a mostly rural area, that does have the occasional bear, and no street lights. I would like to start running again and get fit. I did very well before we bought a house, in the apartment gym. Then we stopped for several months, getting the house and then getting house things done everyday after work.
I'm not afraid to say I don't like the idea of running down an entirely dark road and into a bear or getting hit by a 4x4 truck in a hurry. So I'm not sure what to do. There is a bank a few houses down, I could run around its parking lot, but don't want to be arrested for trespassing. Any gym is like 40 minutes away. Any ideas? Also I want to exercise to get into a more girlish figure. I've looked at a few YouTube how-tos and may try those. Anyone have any suggestions on the best exercises for this? 

Full House

I received some high-heels and stockings as well as a dress through UPS yesterday. Amazon makes shopping a lot easier. I've done some shopping in walmart, but I always get the stares and I always use the self-checkout and hope no one stands in line behind me. So I've got a nice little clothes collection in my closet and once in a while I get to actually wear those comfortable clothes. 

An issue has arisen, my stepson is losing his apartment this month, so we are taking him in for several months.  I love my son, but he is in his 20's and I know he has a tendency to slack off when given the opportunity. So the time we believe he will be with us will no doubt be off by a great amount. This means that I have to modify the very small amount in which I let myself be me now. I have to hide things and change my habits. It's not really a problem, so much as it just is what is happening and a mild annoyance.

Someone is almost always home, I get very little reprieve. And of course adding an extra person to the mix ensures that I will have to be the "guy" all the time for a while. It's like being forced into a very small space in an very uncomfortable position. I suppose I am just complaining. 

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

A Shaggy Dog Tail

When I was young, and didn't realize what my feelings actually meant, I really wanted facial hair like my grandpa and my dad. They kept themselves clean-shaven, but they obtained a 5 o'clock shadow in a couple of hours after shaving. My grandpa would rub his "whiskers" on my face and I would giggle. So, I wanted whiskers too. I look back on that thought and I cringe. I still think fondly of my grandpas whisker snuggles, but I have this special hate with my facial hair, as you can imagine.

I've used it in the past, to deflect any thought of my true nature from those around me, especially in the military. (mustache, not a beard) But I hardly had to shave anyway, I would shave once a month and still look clean shaven. When I was around 30 things changed, now I can't go two days without having to shave again, the stubble, the ugh. I don't mind my legs, they stay pretty good for about 3 or 4 days, I would like it to be longer but don't we all. It's my facial hair that won't cooperate.

In my 20's I could dress up and go out without makeup and while staying a good distance away from people manage not to get clocked. I couldn't even think of that now. Granted, I've a lot more weight now than I had then, but I was 160 lbs and 6 ft tall, I could pull off a lot more back then. I was overly tall for a girl, but I normally wore flats so I didn't tower above everyone. My shoulders aren't broad, so I could wear almost anything I could get. I never got the courage to get close enough to other people to give them the chance to read me, but I would not even contemplate it now. I would have to cake on enough makeup to clog a sink to hide the stubble that sprouts so damn quickly. 

I will shave, and then the next day almost cry when I see that all that work didn't even last 24 hours. I know there are ways to get rid of facial hair, but I live in a small town so most of those ways are not viable. it's the daily razor and raw skin for me. 

Saturday, September 12, 2015

The anatomy of Dark Thoughts

I want to be clear, thinking about something doesn't translate to acting on the thought.

So, at one time or another we all think about ending it, shuffling off the mortal coil in a force-able manner. Suicide is an easy concept, but a tricky foe. We all have our reasons for wanting to end this life, perhaps the pain is too much, or we hope for a better next life, or we simply see no way out of what seems like the darkest, loneliest road imaginable.

I have had fleeting thoughts of suicide in the last 15 years, nothing defined but still enough to scare me. So I found myself wondering, what is it in me that is causing me to have these thoughts? This is where the tricky part comes in. For me it was a lot of small things, very little issues that come and go in life that never seem to actually "go". None of these things alone seem to be anything at all, barely even registering with my subconscious. But once these little things build up it seems almost designed to cause a singular reaction.

My life is not bad, it's pretty good actually, but I have very intense stress points, my exwife, my transsexual-ness, my pressure from work and many many more things. Over time I have found that you can be happy but still have this shadow hanging over you. I hope for a better life, I really hope that the next life I am in the body I am supposed to be in, that I won't be this stranger to myself. So there is a speck of appeal in ending it now to get to the next. But there is no guarantee of a next life, it's just a hopeful wish. Ending it all would end my issues, but life is not about being completely happy, you find that in moments. It's about the struggle, to be there for your children, for your spouse, or simply to be alive in the world and appreciate all the good things that are in it. I don't have a magic wand to get rid of the feelings, in the end you have to find what motivates you.

Suicidal thoughts are like water, they will follow the easiest path. Soon, it becomes a stream, then a river, then you are drowning in an ocean and it seems there is no shore in sight. This progression is just as easy in a group of people on a sunny day as it is being alone in darkness. How many times have you seen someone who seemed happy and had everything going for them, yet they committed suicide? Finding reasons to live isn't about getting what you want, it's about learning that life is worth the struggle.

These are my opinions, I'm not a psychiatrist, I don't have training. I'm just one of those people struggling in life like everyone else.

Friday, September 11, 2015

It's the little things that get you

I love my Mom. She doesn't know about me, I'm sure at some point she has wondered. But I love her regardless. Love shouldn't come with caveats and addendums. My Mom has lung cancer, she has had it for about 13 years. She goes through good times and bad. She quit smoking the day she was diagnosed and never smoked or has been around smoke again. She went through a relapse recently, so she is still fighting and still trying to stay alive. She is the strongest person I know. Anyway, I love my Mom. Just wanted to put that out there, no agenda, just making the statement.

The dogma of me

A lot of media coverage for the trans community lately. It started a lot earlier than Caitlyn, but it sped up after her show aired. I believe that people will come around to things through immersion, their world being opened up before them. Pushing people, telling them they are wrong for having feelings that don't align with yours, only serves to push them away from you. I'm not saying to not fight for the rights of all transgender, I'm saying there is a better way than shaming everyone who doesn't agree. Doing it the right way matters. If you are going to be taken seriously, if you are going to be seen as a legitimate part of society, acting as a petulant child isn't going to help our cause. And also aligning ourselves as a special interest group only makes us seem more like outsiders.

We all want to be accepted, we all want to be able to walk down the street without fear of being attacked or verbally abused. I can understand that right now, we are at a historic milestone. The momentum has built to a frenzied pace and it is easy to use that for our own agenda, forgetting that there are others out there who are also beaten, discriminated against, killed in the name of bigotry. Let us be the bigger heart, let us be the ones who use the medias attention to do good, not just for the transgender, but our brothers and sisters of all walks of life. Being transgender doesn't have to define us, being a human being with compassion and love can define us. 

Hatred needs a foothold in order to perpetuate. Let us be the ones to break that cycle. Don't hate your fellow human beings for their own identities, don't assume that a man who works on cars and drinks beer will be the antagonist to your story. It's not that you are transgender, it is that non-transgender don't actually understand. Applying bigotry to Cisgender will only ensure the problems we have faced over and over again. There is a difference between guiding and pushing.

That is my take on things, but I'm secretly an optimist, wrapped within the shrouds of a pessimist.

Thursday, September 10, 2015

Love and understanding

I spend a lot of time, lurking on different T sites, reading about those who are in process of transitioning and those who are non-transitioning. So, basically, I spend a lot of time crying. Feeling like you are not alone stirs the emotions. I have to start forcing myself to participate, to trust that others are on these sites to learn, to engage. It's hard to trust faceless strangers, since I don't trust my closest friends to understand. 

I know that my wife understands the idea of being Transgender, I know that she can empathize with my feelings. However, she doesn't really know, doesn't really get it. For instance, if I bring up "I am Cait" on dvr, I can sense her stiffen, can feel the silence. So, while she is cool with it, I think she is cool as long as she isn't forced to actually encounter it with me. I can only assume, I don't know her feelings, perhaps I am reading a lot into things because I am uncomfortable sharing my secret, no matter how I trust her. Being comfortable is something I usually do solo. It could be that she is afraid that I will change, that our relationship will change. It's possible, I can't deny that change happens, even in "normal" marriages.

I can't say that I'm not pansexual in my preferences, it's something I've always tried to understand about myself. It's a matter of perspective I believe. For a man to be attracted to me (which has happened a few times in my 20's) it didn't do anything for me because they were attracted to the man, not me. I think that if a man were attracted to me as a woman, I would welcome it, though this is purely speculation. I certainly fantasize about it. Overall, I am attracted to women, and of course my wife. I don't cheat, I am a monogamist. I married the girl I have loved for 20+ years, so I am happy with my love life. If I were to fully transition, I would still want to be with her. I'm worried that even without transitioning, if the little things I do to feel somewhat normal, shaving my legs, wearing clothes that men typically don't wear, may be causing her to push away from me. I don't know, I am a worrier. I still haven't told her about my blog. It seems a passive aggressive way of telling her how I am feeling. Or perhaps it is just my cowardice to engage people who mean something to me. I have so few people I let into just my pretend life, I can only imagine the desolation I would face, if I let them into my actual life.

Monday, September 7, 2015

What it means to be non-transitioning

We all have our problems. I think most transgenders first problem is that they weren't physically born the gender they should be. I don't know of anyone that likes being transgender. Now for non-transitioning transgender, we aren't typically targeted by bigots or the right wing religious zealots. However, we endure the pain of their words and hate. We can get by in the world, on the outside. On the inside we mourn, on the inside we contemplate ending it all at some point. Non-transitioning doesn't mean we accept who we are, it means we have trouble accepting physical changes as a real solution. My getting surgery doesn't make me a girl, I already am, but my body will now be this imitation of a girl in the most shallow of ways. I'm not saying that those who do change their bodies are wrong or imitations, they are brave and glorious for their courage. I just feel this way about myself.

I don't want to be trans, I want to be me, just a girl.

Being non-transitioning means we don't have an outlet. Right now, I am wearing a cute little black skater dress. I can appreciate that I feel feminine, but I can't look in a mirror or the spell is broken. It is currently 5 am and I will have to be careful to change into mens clothes in a bit before my children wake up. I would be mortified if my wife saw me wearing a dress. She knows I have them, I have shown her what I buy. But I don't want her to look at me while I wear them, I am stuck in this male body. So, I have early mornings and when everyone is out of the house to wear the things that make me feel somewhat normal. It's a rare thing. Even then I can't go outside during the day in what I want to wear, I would feel horrible if anyone saw this "guy" wearing a sun dress. I want them to see what I feel, this woman wearing a sun dress on a nice day. On the inside, I curl up into myself in pain.

So, sure we have a luxury, that of getting by as our physical selves, but we die a little more each day for not being who we are. Our entire lives are spent acting like we are this person in the mirror.

Monday, August 31, 2015

I am Cait

I have been watching "I am Cait", for obvious reasons. There are a lot of good things in this show, it shows more than anything that a rich Olympian also has issues with feeling comfortable, with being who they are. I understand when she says that she doesn't want to be a transgender, she just wants to be a girl. There are a lot of good perspectives on the show, and it is easy to think that these changes are possible even if you are older.

However, there are a lot of things that I don't agree with, being a person I have my own opinions, such as the cis-dissing. (I think I just made that word up, Cis-Dis. Please give me credit if I totally made that up.) Not being attracted to someone you know is transgender is not anyone's problem, it is not a choice, it is just how they feel and it is legitimate. We all want to be accepted for who we are, we all want someone to find us attractive, but if they are not attracted to you for being who you are, then they aren't wrong, they just aren't. You will have to get over it. Not everyone will accept you for being trans, much less be attracted to you for it. You will have to get over it, you can only educate, you cannot make someone change their mind, that is something they have to grow into or not.

I like the show, it makes me uncomfortable in the right kind of ways. I like that I am seeing a mirror to my issues in a lot of instances. I like that her transgender friends or acquaintances are so much more educated and have such good insight into the world as a trans.

It is the more glamorized version of (and I have plugged this before) New Girls on the Block. It's no less, just different. I cry watching NGoB, it's such an emotional journey. I wish they would do a 2nd season, it's just such a great show, to follow these wonderful women on their journey, not being perfect or even rational sometimes, just being real women with real issues. With IaC, there is this veneer of displacement, an unreal feeling about the show itself. Anyway, I watch the show because there is precious little for transgender out there that allows you to see what it is like, what you may encounter.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Behind the Mask

Everyone is up in arms about the Caitlyn Jenner costume. I understand that if done with bad intent it can only hurt our cause. However, I don't believe it was done out of malice, I think it was done for profit, and I think that is a good thing. Let me explain, by putting Caitlyn in with Captain America, Wonder Woman, Casper and Dracula, it's putting her and our cause into the mainstream consciousness of america. I don't think it is mocking anyone, I think it is embracing the idea that people will want to emulate her during halloween. Is it a mocking act when people want to dress up as someone else? Why should this be different? Why should we insulate ourselves? The main issue with LGBT and transpeople that I hear is how we T's are put off in a corner. This is an excellent way to put ourselves in the party and not in the corner. I think that we need to calm down just a bit and be able to laugh at ourselves once in a while, not for what we perceive everyone thinks of us, but for fun and joy. Allow yourself to be joyful once in a while.

Saturday, August 22, 2015

Feelings, nothing more than feelings

I haven't had a lot of time lately. Dealing with the urgent care, only to have found nothing to account for how I was feeling. And now next week I will deal with the full week of intense IT meetings with four different companies. I'm a bit overwhelmed, but that is probably more due to my going to the worst case scenario in everything. I think that sometimes I would have been better served if I had never learned that term, but the die is cast and I am forever a worrier and a pessimist. It's unfortunate, pessimists don't want to be that way, we truly want to be optimists but we can't bring ourselves to be so foolish as to believe that things are inherently going to work out. I'm just trying to deal with everything and I can't let anyone else help me deal with them.

Trust is something that has never been in my nature. My father was abusive when I was younger, he liked to punch and use this belt with wire wound around the edges on my legs. He didn't handle stress in any kind of positive way. Later on in life we managed to be good with each other. I forgave him while I was in the military. He died last year, but I'm glad he knew that I didn't hate him, that I loved him in spite of what he did as a young father. He was a good grandfather and a pretty decent older dad. But I never really learned to trust anyone. So I am an introvert and guarded. The most I open up is on this blog, and to be honest, even here I hold back a lot. I don't want to be seen as complaining and I don't divulge things willingly. Yes, even in a diary to myself I would hide things. Pathetic, I know.

I place small amounts of trust in people and they always manage to let me down. It's a vicious circle. I probably sabotage any real attempt at trust so I won't have to be close enough to anyone to get hurt by them. I love my wife and I love my kids, I trust my wife but I can't fully open up to her, as much as I want to. There is this wall and I can throw things over it, but I can't find a door.

Anyway, I've got feelings and wanted to get them out. Sorry, nothing today about my TG issues, this is all about my insides.

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Awkward situations

Had to go to urgent care today, I was not feeling well at all. So, I’m sitting in there and wondering if I would have to take off any of my clothes. I don’t care if someone I don’t know notices I wear panties and have shaved legs. However, when it’s someone I’m depending on giving me medical care I start to worry that this doctor may have something against transgender, or in my case the incorrect term of transvestite. Then instead of focusing on my medical issue he/she would be distracted by something that is just about their comfort level. Luckily, I didn’t have to get undressed at all.

It got me thinking about all the little details that I had never actually thought about. How do you handle these situations? If you have to go to a doctor, especially outside your primary care physician, transitioning or not, do they need to know about your gender assignment? Does it help to move on to the other real medical issue? What if the medical professional is less than professional and takes a personal stance? Has anyone been denied medical care for being transgender? I’m already up in arms about gay men not being allowed to donate blood, it’s just stupid.

Do I have to divulge my gender just because the doctor may ask me to disrobe? Am I better off wearing mens clothes to the doctors appointment, just to make someone else feel better? I feel stupid wearing mens clothes, I’m already not comfortable in this body, the least I have is wearing something that makes feel slightly better. So I would feel awkward being at the doctors, feeling awkward being in the wrong clothes.

Saturday, August 15, 2015

All the small things

So, yesterday I got my first dress from Amazon. I should say my first dress that I have bought directly. All my life I have worn hand me down clothes. Girlfriends or my first wife, if they had old clothes they wanted to send to goodwill or salvation army, I would go through them and rescue a few items. I had to be careful, I didn't want to get caught mostly because I never trusted anyone to know about me. So, a skirt here, a blouse there and I was able to maintain a very small and easily disposable wardrobe. If I had to move or if I had a change in living arrangements I could throw it all away and not feel like I just spent that money for nothing.

It was very very hard during my time in the military. I kept a separate area that was used by whatever woman I was dating at the time. More often than not, it was just where I kept clothes I had liberated from the donation pile, and I could explain it as I thought they had wanted to keep that item, if I had gotten caught with it in the closet.

But this is different, I bought this dress, it fits and I feel good wearing it. I also don't feel bad for "liberating" clothes or wearing something from a girlfriends/wives closet. I keep it in my closet, and I have another dress coming in a week or so. I still keep them to the back of the closet, which is apropos to my situation. I would love to find some heels to wear with them, I don't normally care much about shoes, I like to be comfortable. But with these dresses, I can see that heels would be nice.

Anyway, I have my first legitimate dress, after just being so used to wearing what I could get away with without being caught. It's nice, I'm pretty happy about it. I really like not feeling guilty at all, not one little bit.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

A quick word

Just wanted to acknowledge some sites that I have found good information on. I have added a links section on the right-hand side of the site. I'm not saying they are the best, just what I have found so far that seem to hold the most information or I found interesting.

If you would like to link your page on this blog, or any links that hold good information, please send me an email and I will add it. I don't require a reciprocal link, that is of course, completely up to you.

In other news:
(I just saw this in the news and thought I would share)

Nepal Is the Latest Country to Acknowledge Transgender Citizens on Its Passports

I love that the world is changing, it is a slow slog, but I think that despite all the tragedy and continued hostility, things are changing for the better. I thank all those who came before us, who had courage and chose love and light, instead of propagating hate. I don't know anyone who's mind was changed through hostility and hate, it has only ever re-enforced their prejudice.

Sunday, August 9, 2015


So we were married yesterday! We had a great time with family and friends, and the ceremony was touching and sweet. My parents will be going home tomorrow evening or Tuesday, I will miss them.
Of course, I wasn't happy about "man" and wife, but who ever is that is transgender. I had to just deal with it, it's my issue not anyone else's since I haven't come out to everyone. I can be annoyed with it, but I can't blame anyone but myself for that. I wore uncomfortable (more so than just being dress clothes) clothes and wear a mans ring, again myself to blame. All the little things I'm complaining about now pale in comparison to my happiness at finally being married to my wonderful wife.

A day in the life of the closeted transgender, is knowing that every picture with your beautiful wife is going to show the guy you aren't as well. little daggers in the heart.

When I was a preteen, I used to wonder if the doctor who delivered me made a mistake. He should have (somehow) known that this was a girl and not a boy and taken the correct steps, informed my parents and done the necessary things to make sure I was a girl in body as well. Things are always so much easier in my head.

So I am married, I am me and her. I am me, I am this me and I don't have another me. I have to deal with me being me. I hate looking at photos of me, I don't want to deal with me.

Bittersweet. Sorry, I should only be happy right now, it sounds like I am trying for a pity party. I am not, I'm sad over an existing condition, but happy about my current status as a partner of a wonderful woman.

Saturday, August 1, 2015

Something old, something new

I haven't posted in a couple of days, I'm exhausted. We are having our wedding in 8 days at our home, so family is coming in and I am just trying to get everything done. I am worried that my Mom will pick my yard apart with critiques. (she is a yard junkie) On top of the wedding, I am meeting the VP of my new company (we just recently were bought out) at the end of this month and I am the new IT manager, so I have to prove my worth. I have a list of things that my new boss wants me to accomplish for a new site that we are building, it's all very stressful. I'm a computer person, always have been, since a Vic 20 was shown to me by a friend, I was hooked. Except I have never been in IT. I have always had jobs around it, but never actually in IT. Now I am a manager, it's daunting and I don't want to let anyone down.

So we are getting married, I have spoken to my fiance ad nauseum, asking her if  she is sure. I am worried that though I have been honest with her, for her this is all relatively new. She says she is fine with it, that it doesn't bother her, perhaps it doesn't. I don't know, I have to trust her to know if she is ok with marrying a transgender person. I feel badly that I am how I am, I thought I would feel better after telling her the truth. Thing is, I don't think I feel better. I think I feel somehow worse. Like I am making her deal with my issues. I feel like crying. It could just be stress, but I feel like crying.

I want to be a woman so badly on the outside, I want to match so badly with how I feel on the inside.

Here is another wrinkle, I haven't told you, dear internet. Our daughter (one of my stepdaughters) who is 17, who had already come out to us several years ago as gay, has come to us to ask for permission for hormone treatments. Ordinarily, we would be fine with this, and though she doesn't know that I am transgender, I have a unique outlook on her situation. However, she has started dating and currently living with a 23 year old woman who we believe is pushing her to this. Our daughter, who is still in high school, has never shown a propensity for being transgender. As recently as this year she has spent every dollar she made on dresses and makeup, despite our wishing she would save the money. This all changed a month after she started dating her now girlfriend.

We are very open minded, and she had no trouble at all with coming to us and letting us know she was gay. We have always supported her decisions. This doesn't feel like her decision, it feels like she is trying to please her girlfriend who has a strong influence in their relationship. We told her that we would not give her permission for hormone treatments. We want her to wait the 10 months until she is 18, and she can make that decision for herself. I am hopeful that will give her time to truly think about what she wants and the reasons why she wants it. I should say that we tried to get her to go to a therapist who specializes in transgender, which she would need in order to take the hormones legally anyway. She refused to go. So I don't know if we made the right decision. I don't want her to wait too long to do something if she is serious, but I don't want her to find out that this is something she is wanting because someone else is actually wanting it. A bilateral mastectomy would be a horrible thing to go through for someone else, it should be for you, not trying to make someone else happy.

Any thoughts on this? Are we being too harsh?

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

When i was a little girl

As a child, I remember telling my mom that I wanted to be a girl. I think she took it as a toddler wanting to be someone else, I never brought it up again. When I was in my teens, I never thought seriously about transitioning. I lived in a small town, I didn’t even know there were other people like me. It took me years to finally see someone who had transitioned in a magazine, and the results were so bad that I couldn’t even fathom doing it. So growing up, I was always daydreaming about suddenly becoming a girl, kind of like an Ellen Barkin in “Switch” scenario. Sure it was badly written, and the subject matter was all over the place, but it was about the sudden transformation I was interested in. My daydreams tended to run in the vein of these type of movies, I was minding my own business, then Pow! I wake up a girl. I am in boy clothes, so I have to find something that fits to wear. Of course, instead of the whole movie concept of coming to terms with being a girl, I was overjoyed and ready to go. There aren’t any movies I know of, that are willing gender switched, that would have been awesome. I never really got over the wish that I would just wake up one day and be me.  I thought that the only way I could be a girl, truly be, is to wish it, for magic to happen. There had been many a night where I lay awake crying, making the same wish over and over. That if I just wished hard enough, long enough, I wouldn’t be a stranger staring back at me when I woke up. 

Monday, July 27, 2015

In opposition to what I've said before

I’m a methodical person, I check everything twice and follow the rules. The one aspect of me, which does not follow conformity or the norm is my gender. So, recently, when I came out TG to my fiancé, I decided to educate myself on me. I have gone through books and websites, I was amazed at how many reference materials there are, and how broad the terminology can be. Once you start looking it is everywhere, from the dry definitions to the dubious guesses, it’s all out there to find. I don’t know how I didn’t see this until now. I know in the early 90’s I had tried looking but I couldn’t really find anything, unless you were looking in psychology texts, which is just fun <sarcasm> to peruse.

Anyway, I am wondering something I can’t really find, it seems to be glossed over a bit, either due to what I imagine must be painful memories, or it didn’t seem important after the fact. How does one transition (even start it really) and maintain a career, friends and family? Has anyone done it and kept the people and job that they love? Is there a way to approach this with your company (I work for the US side of a german-owned company of about 500+ employees)?

I don’t want to fully transition, I think I will leave the penis alone, it hasn’t done anything to me personally. It’s an aspect I can hide away and I don’t have to worry about anyone but my fiancé seeing it anyway. (one of the many plusses of getting married to an awesome woman.) But I want to do everything else I think. I feel drawn, despite my concerns, to attempt to make myself who I am on the inside. It’s in my thoughts night and day now. I just don’t know how to get started. I don’t want to freak my co-workers out, I don’t want to alienate my family. I know they will, and I am fairly sure I might on both counts. I would like to minimize it as much as possible if anyone has done it even moderately successfully.

Friday, July 24, 2015

To be, or not to be

It's not a question, I am what my mind makes me. Like any woman, I want to be beautiful, I want to be admired for being strong of will and smart of wit. I want to be recognized as a woman, to not be clocked, to pass 100%. I think that is what we all want really. In a perfect world, we would just be us, just the women (or men) that we know we are. But in the real world we have to contend with the bodies we are given, and that means we try to pass, to be a girl or boy in a world that gave us the wrong damn body. I know it's vanity, but I want to be able to pass. That is a tall order, and a costly one, monetarily and emotionally.

I am so impressed by those who have transitioned, their strength, their will. I am in awe of those who can be who they are to the world. I cower in the shadow, I hide myself away to all. I don't think I have that courage. I could certainly be shot at and survive a war, but I can't seem to be who I am to the world, it's a very odd thing. I think I'm not being judged by the enemy, they hated me no matter what I was. I am judged now, I judge me more harshly than anyone else I'm sure. I feel ugly, I feel like someone put a bag of flesh over me and forced me into this life. I am never comfortable in my body, not awake. I dream and things are different, but waking up is a severe disappointment.

I travel through life, as if I am looking through a window. I am within this building and as I move, the building moves with me, large and bulky with parts I don't identify with. The building keeps me safe from others, I can see them through the window. But the price is I can never feel the air outside, I can never truly embrace an encounter.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Trying to convince you, or me

I can understand the feeling that my being non-transitioning would make me seem less serious than those who are transitioning. I am a woman, I have always been female since my earliest cohesive memory. This isn’t a burgeoning fantasy, or something “cool” to be. I hate it. I hate that I am not who I am. I hate that I have hidden who I am all my life in the belief that my parents would be hurt in some way, or even disown me. That my grandparents would not accept me. I didn’t want to be alone in life.

It has been building for years, thinking there was nothing I could do, then finding out there are things I can do. But when I found that you could change, transition, the results I saw were horrifying. Plastic and fake looking, these were to me, a parody of being. I didn’t want to be a man in women’s clothes, I didn’t want to be an obviously surgically altered man in women’s clothes either.  They have advanced since then, and in that time I have bemoaned my getting married to a person who was already violently intolerant of her gay sister, she would have left me without a thought if I had come out to her. I was trying to be the man the world wanted me to be. I failed in that I think, in many ways.

I want to change, but I’m getting too old, and money would be an issue. I have responsibilities to my family, to my kids. In the scheme of things, I managed to still have a good life. I burn with regret, I still hate having the body of a man. But, I have good friends, and a good life despite it. I have a wonderful woman and children that I love. Changing now only hurts everyone I know and love. Changing now is a last minute grasp at some personal happiness.  I know who I am inside, perhaps that will be enough, now that it’s so late in the game.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Family Matters

I’ve spoken of my fiancé a few times in previous posts. Other than my coming out, I don’t know that we have had a really frank discussion about my being transgender. I mean, she acknowledges that I am, and we discuss things like pansexuality, of which she is. And I have to admit after having the discussion, I most likely am as well. But there are things, where we had discussed going to the goodwill for our girls to go shopping for clothes, which they absolutely love to do. I had mentioned that I would like her to buy me a few dresses if we go, she kind of laughed and didn’t comment on that. I don’t know if this made her uncomfortable, or if because I am hiding this from our kids that somehow she is disappointed?

I have chosen not to tell the kids because they had a biological father who wasn’t around and made excuses and wanted drugs more than his children. He was a huge letdown to them before he ended up dying from a drug overdose. So I don’t want them to feel as if they are losing another father all over again. I think they would be accepting of whatever I chose to be, but they would feel hurt that yet another father has decided to be something else, other than there for them. It may well be cowardice on my part, I know that, I’ve practiced it for years, which is why I’m still a man.

So, the crux of this post is, I’m not sure exactly where I stand with my fiancé. I know she is good with it, but can I dress how I would like, act how I actually feel in front of her? I don’t want her to feel I am being foolish or grasping for something that isn’t going to happen. I just want to be me, even with this body anchoring me into this gender. I wear panties and I do wear womens jeans, she hasn’t commented on this and she does the laundry a lot more than I do. But I don’t think I can wear womens tops or dresses around her, I get the sense she would think it was stupid. I mean, it is in this body, but when no one is around, I don’t feel like a man wearing girl clothes, I can just feel like me wearing clothes I feel good in.

Anyway, am I being crazy? I haven’t told her about this blog yet. I want to, but I wanted something I could write in without fear, so I could be honest about my feelings. I don’t want to pander to her, or passively show her my feelings on here. I just want to get my thoughts out there.

I’m not sure how to feel or what to do, if anyone has suggestions, I would love to hear them.

Sunday, July 19, 2015

New Girls on the Block

So I found this wonderful show, "New Girls on the Block" there are only 5 episodes in season 1, but I am very hopeful there will be much more. That they have each other for support is uncommon and absolutely fabulous. I don't know how many times I cried for them during my binge watch, it was a lot, they are such strong and wonderful women.
 You need to watch this, this is what your lives can be. It doesn't have to be fear and hiding, putting your hair in your face hopeful you won't be noticed, but then wishing someone would notice you and fall in love.

I'm a non-transitioning transgender, mainly because I don't like my body at all. I don't think I can transition and be happy, I would rather just not be a man at all. Also, I've waited too late in life to do anything about it, waiting until you have the courage is just being a coward your entire life, never taking a risk. I was too concerned with making everyone else happy I suppose. Everyone has their issues, and this is mine. I am a girl, it's hidden within a male penis-y candy shell. It doesn't mean I don't know the feeling of wanting to be noticed, or loved as a woman. These women are inspiring to me, as are many women who have decided to make the change. Give this show a shot, you won't be disappointed.

Friday, July 17, 2015

Boy Meets Girl

So, I just watched "Boy Meets Girl" on Netflix. I loved the movie, though I can say that people are not that honest with themselves in real life. I'm speaking of the angry marine, usually the anger is enough for people and they will run with that instead of confronting any actual feelings. Regardless, I loved the movie for what it was saying. Michelle Hendley is AMAZING! I wish I had her strength. I cried through the movie for the strength her character showed.

I've already said enough times how I regret not being a stronger person, trusting in others was never something I could manage. I don't trust people to be anything but an angry mob, I've seen the worst in people so it skews my ability to believe in people. I am in awe of those that made the transition and still managed to have a life and not be a complete shut-in.

I will not be the girl I am, it's just how it is. I will be flesh that I am, and I will mourn it. If I had it to do over again, I am sure I would be just as weak as I was the first time. Only slightly less than my deepest wish to be a girl, would be my wish to have courage enough to be who I am regardless of who thinks what.

If I could give anyone advice on their lives, it will always be to have the courage to live your life on your terms. It will be the only true regret that I have control over and failed to control.

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Confused and confounded

Growing up I would develop crushes on girls in tv shows and movies, I also would pray to any entity that would listen that he/she would change me into one of them. Not the actress themselves, just their likeness. I was so utterly confused by my feelings and already withdrawn from almost everyone. I really really liked girls, but I also wanted to be them, I didn’t know what to do. Throw in the confusion of being in love with my best friend who was a boy, and I am very surprised, looking back, that I hadn’t tried something foolish like suicide. I never entertained it, only in looking back do I ponder why it never entered my mind. I would spend the night at his house a lot, and we slept in the same bed. He wasn’t the kind of boy to be attracted to other boys, but that didn’t stop me from lying there at night, wishing he would roll over and kiss me. Once he had inadvertently spooned me, I had woken up very early, and he was rock hard against me. I pushed into him, feeling him against me, in the silent hope he would take the next step, but it didn’t happen, he released me and turned over, still asleep. My crush on my friend eventually went away, and I never had that feeling for another man, though I can appreciate them as sexy or handsome. It took me years to understand that I going to love who I love and I don’t really care what gender they are, it’s about the soul, about them as a person. It’s always been women since, but I think that it could have been men if I had met the right one.

Monday, July 13, 2015

Rattling the chains of me

I’ve been going to a lot of trans sites lately, (I’ve always felt like a girl, but circumstances and money have always been an issue) and found a lot of really good information. I don’t have a girls body-type, and I have a lot of body hair which bothers me. I tried shaving my face, and I can keep it clean shaven for a day, then I have to shave again, and even then in a few hours it doesn’t look clean shaven. My legs and armpits do fine, I can keep them smooth for three or four days at a time, but my face is a lost cause in my current condition. I can’t be physically a woman, so I know that this is all just to make me feel better, but it bothers me to no end that if I wanted to wear a dress or a cute outfit, I would still be in a mans body and on top of that, I would be sporting at the very least a 5 o’clock shadow. I don’t want to be a circus freak, or gawked at, I just want to be me and me isn’t this body. I hate tucking as well, but I don’t know if I would have ever gone all the way with that, since there is a lot of things that can go wrong. I don’t want to really cut anything off, I just want it to have never been there at all.

A lot of times, I dream about being a woman and there are times where I know the feeling of someone being inside me. I love women, but I think that even then, I would want her to thrust into me. I can get excited through anal stimulation, but in the dreams, it’s not that way, it’s the sensations (I can only surmise) are through vaginal stimulation. It’s different than when my penis is stimulated, it’s not the sharp finish? I guess? I don’t know, but I wake up feeling desperately empty inside after those dreams.

Our daughter is going to spend some time with her friends in another state, and this would be a great time to wear something I could enjoy, a dress or a nice blouse, a sundress. But I only have to see a reflection of the skin I am in and then I would feel a right idiot for doing it. I don’t want to look foolish, grasping for a feeling in front of my fiancé. She would be fine, I would not. Sigh.

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Regrets. I've made a few

I wish I had been brave when I was younger. I wish I had done a lot of things differently. I have grown up, knowing that to be different gets you targeted. I would say, “in the south” but let’s face it, it doesn’t matter where you are from, to be different puts you in a bad position. Being different, sexually, even more so.

Had I been brave, I would have talked to my Mom. She would have supported me, she would have cried for losing a son, but she would have supported me I think. I would have gone on hormone treatments, and started the process for change as young as I could. I don’t know if my Dad would have dealt with it well, who knows, I never gave him the option. I don’t know that my life would have been any better, but I would be more me, than I am now.

I am always intensely interested in tv shows that feature some actor, usually female, acting the part of a transgender female. But it fits what I would have had to deal with, if in a rather magnified way.  There was this episode of Law and Order, in which a pre-op girl was forced into revealing herself to her straight boyfriend. I cried during that episode. I cried for her and I cried for me. Thing is, I don’t want to be a transgender anything, I just want to be what I am.

But life doesn’t do perfect, it doesn’t do fair. So I am relegated into the title of transgender, or to the unenlightened, transvestite. So in light of the unfairness of life, I am what I am. (apparently I’m Popeye)  To think of all the time I wasted, trying not to hurt anyone’s feelings, trying to fit in, to not have my brothers think of me as a freak. I should have been brave, I should have borne my families scorn and societies injustice. I would have gladly traded my time in the military towards changing into a semblance of who I am in my head. I would love all that time back, but it’s gone. I can only hope that the next life chooses to put my soul in the right body. This is a long shot, but really, what do I have to lose by being hopeful.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Hey Jealousy

I try to be the kind of person who takes what is given to them and deals with it. I have had friends who get great jobs, or who have earned wonderful opportunities, and I always try to be glad for them. I like to think that I don’t react with jealousy. I want people to do well, I want my friends to especially do well. So when I say that there are times in which I am jealous of other people, I want you to understand that I don’t enjoy feeling that way.

There are times, where I am jealous of girls for being able to just be girls. I won’t, in this life, be able to be a girl. I could be a man who changes into a woman, or a man who wears womens clothes, pretending to be a woman. There is no brain transplant, there is no change for me that is real. I know it’s petty to be jealous, and I don’t always feel that way, but it does sneak up on me from time to time.

I feel, in many ways like this is a half life, a displacement, where I am only me in my head and everywhere else I am just this guy that I don’t recognize. It’s hard to look at the mirror or a photo without thinking, why am I this man? I certainly don’t think the way I look, and there are times when I am talking to my fiancé about clothes or how I am feeling and I suddenly feel very foolish for what I must look like to her. A big man, who is talking about a pretty dress and how I can’t go shopping like I would like to.

Saturday, June 13, 2015

I love Saturday mornings

There is nothing like getting up early on a Saturday. Brewing some hot tea while the house is entirely still and silent. I'll read the news, then take a nice long shower and shave my legs. I love it when my legs are freshly smooth, it's satisfying on a fairly deep level to me.

I have yard work today, hopefully. I find it is therapeutic in it's monotony.  There is nothing to distract me while I just work, a blissful meditation.

I love my fiance, she is absolutely the finest human being there is. I have such love for her, it's inadequate to use words to describe it, for it will only pale in its comparison of its breadth and depths. She is my soul mate, truly, and I despise people that use that term. I can't believe she puts up with me and my quirks. I am a girl who is a guy and she just lets me be me. When I told her, I really thought that she would have issues with it. She didn't seem thrown at all, I'm glad, don't get me wrong, but it left me wondering how well I was actually hiding it.

I had to lead with "transvestite" which I hate. I'm a girl inside and clothes don't know gender so why do I need a label?! As Eddie Izzard says, "they aren't women's clothes. they are my clothes, I bought them." He is so many levels of cool and brave.

So, I explained to my fiance that I was a girl inside, that I wore womens clothes and I was hiding it from the entire world, except for her. I felt like I put a lot of information on her that day and I felt bad for doing it. But, I didn't want to marry her without her knowing the truth. And she just accepted it! She said ok, and moved on with her day. I didn't know how to take it, I thought that maybe she was going to act like it had never happened, or that this is something I could never bring up again. But no, she has no issue with talking about it and it doesn't bother her that I wear panties. I love this woman, she is really the best.

Ok, I have gushed enough and I'm starting to tear up. Time to get things done around the house.