Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Regrets. I've made a few

I wish I had been brave when I was younger. I wish I had done a lot of things differently. I have grown up, knowing that to be different gets you targeted. I would say, “in the south” but let’s face it, it doesn’t matter where you are from, to be different puts you in a bad position. Being different, sexually, even more so.

Had I been brave, I would have talked to my Mom. She would have supported me, she would have cried for losing a son, but she would have supported me I think. I would have gone on hormone treatments, and started the process for change as young as I could. I don’t know if my Dad would have dealt with it well, who knows, I never gave him the option. I don’t know that my life would have been any better, but I would be more me, than I am now.

I am always intensely interested in tv shows that feature some actor, usually female, acting the part of a transgender female. But it fits what I would have had to deal with, if in a rather magnified way.  There was this episode of Law and Order, in which a pre-op girl was forced into revealing herself to her straight boyfriend. I cried during that episode. I cried for her and I cried for me. Thing is, I don’t want to be a transgender anything, I just want to be what I am.

But life doesn’t do perfect, it doesn’t do fair. So I am relegated into the title of transgender, or to the unenlightened, transvestite. So in light of the unfairness of life, I am what I am. (apparently I’m Popeye)  To think of all the time I wasted, trying not to hurt anyone’s feelings, trying to fit in, to not have my brothers think of me as a freak. I should have been brave, I should have borne my families scorn and societies injustice. I would have gladly traded my time in the military towards changing into a semblance of who I am in my head. I would love all that time back, but it’s gone. I can only hope that the next life chooses to put my soul in the right body. This is a long shot, but really, what do I have to lose by being hopeful.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Hey Jealousy

I try to be the kind of person who takes what is given to them and deals with it. I have had friends who get great jobs, or who have earned wonderful opportunities, and I always try to be glad for them. I like to think that I don’t react with jealousy. I want people to do well, I want my friends to especially do well. So when I say that there are times in which I am jealous of other people, I want you to understand that I don’t enjoy feeling that way.

There are times, where I am jealous of girls for being able to just be girls. I won’t, in this life, be able to be a girl. I could be a man who changes into a woman, or a man who wears womens clothes, pretending to be a woman. There is no brain transplant, there is no change for me that is real. I know it’s petty to be jealous, and I don’t always feel that way, but it does sneak up on me from time to time.

I feel, in many ways like this is a half life, a displacement, where I am only me in my head and everywhere else I am just this guy that I don’t recognize. It’s hard to look at the mirror or a photo without thinking, why am I this man? I certainly don’t think the way I look, and there are times when I am talking to my fiancé about clothes or how I am feeling and I suddenly feel very foolish for what I must look like to her. A big man, who is talking about a pretty dress and how I can’t go shopping like I would like to.

Saturday, June 13, 2015

I love Saturday mornings

There is nothing like getting up early on a Saturday. Brewing some hot tea while the house is entirely still and silent. I'll read the news, then take a nice long shower and shave my legs. I love it when my legs are freshly smooth, it's satisfying on a fairly deep level to me.

I have yard work today, hopefully. I find it is therapeutic in it's monotony.  There is nothing to distract me while I just work, a blissful meditation.

I love my fiance, she is absolutely the finest human being there is. I have such love for her, it's inadequate to use words to describe it, for it will only pale in its comparison of its breadth and depths. She is my soul mate, truly, and I despise people that use that term. I can't believe she puts up with me and my quirks. I am a girl who is a guy and she just lets me be me. When I told her, I really thought that she would have issues with it. She didn't seem thrown at all, I'm glad, don't get me wrong, but it left me wondering how well I was actually hiding it.

I had to lead with "transvestite" which I hate. I'm a girl inside and clothes don't know gender so why do I need a label?! As Eddie Izzard says, "they aren't women's clothes. they are my clothes, I bought them." He is so many levels of cool and brave.

So, I explained to my fiance that I was a girl inside, that I wore womens clothes and I was hiding it from the entire world, except for her. I felt like I put a lot of information on her that day and I felt bad for doing it. But, I didn't want to marry her without her knowing the truth. And she just accepted it! She said ok, and moved on with her day. I didn't know how to take it, I thought that maybe she was going to act like it had never happened, or that this is something I could never bring up again. But no, she has no issue with talking about it and it doesn't bother her that I wear panties. I love this woman, she is really the best.

Ok, I have gushed enough and I'm starting to tear up. Time to get things done around the house.

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Day to Day

It's not easy, I know that I am physically a man, there is no kidding myself about that. I get depressed and sometimes it is harder to shake than other times. It depends upon the stress levels, and as I was told by my fiance, barometric pressure has some involvement. I don't doubt it, where I live has been very rainforest-like in the last couple of weeks and that is about how long I have felt down.

So, I had a dream a few weeks ago, and it was very real, in which I was a girl probably about 15. There was nothing unusual at all about my day in the dream, it was very much like I would expect anyone's day. However I woke up from the dream and since then I have been very depressed. I don't know what I looked like, only that I was me, but I felt physically different, other than being young, I felt at home in my body. (I understand that almost no 15 year old, girl or boy, feels at home in their body, but it was a dream.)

It's not unhappiness with my life, I have a pretty good life. Just want to point that out. I don't have a real reason for the depression, only that it manifests.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Stores and clothes

I went into a store today,  and as always i have to walk by the women's clothes section without looking interested. I hate seeing a dress or a blouse and not getting to stop and pick it up to look at it. I know most of the clothes i couldn't wear even if i wanted, but in my mind eye i can see them on me,  well not me but a version of me. I love going with my girls to clothes stores, i live vicariously through them. There is a deep pain inside though,  not getting to participate like i truly want to.
I always borrowed my girlfriends clothes,  then my ex wife's. I have borrowed my fiances clothes,  but she was very upset so i stopped. I didn't take into consideration how she may feel. I have just always done this to survive,  borrowing clothes so that i didn't have a closet full of women's clothes to be found.  I felt horrible. So now I'm buying some of my own clothes,  a little at a time.  I've started wearing women's jeans and panties on a daily basis,  it's very hard to tell, so i can feel good but not alert anyone.

Monday, June 8, 2015

I'm not the person you think I am.

In a very real sense, I am not the person I present to the world. One person, a person I trust more than anyone else, knows the real me. I was born with a defect, I have a male body and a female mind. I have known since I was very very young that I wasn't supposed to be a boy. I have always felt broken, incomplete. I was a transvestite, that was the title I had to go with at the time, and I hated it. I felt even more broken. I wanted to dress how I felt on the inside, but this was before the internet and I was far too worried about anyone finding out and applying that label to me. I did manage to find clothes to wear once in a while, I even had panties that I had bought through mail order. But if I moved or if I had a roommate, I would have to throw them all away to avoid being discovered.

It's not about sex, I have always loved women, I love my current and wonderful fiance (that person I trust more than anyone else). It's true, there are times I have fantasized about men, but I believe it was borne mostly out of confusion by what I am physically and mentally. So, I am straight of body and gay of mind I suppose.

I don't plan on changing my body, I'm now in my mid 40's and before that I had a strong need to not disappoint my family. They are great, really and they are for the most part open minded, but I know that a mom always hopes her son will grow up to be a good man and I can't bring myself to make her sad. I'm not putting this on my mom, truthfully I never had the courage to be me. I was in the military right out of high school and I wanted to be in the service very badly, a sex change would have been problematic to say the least. Once I got out of the service after being in desert shield and storm, I was a bit lost to myself and my family. I was depressed a lot and didn't know what to do with myself. I had seen death up close and I already had a full plate of issues before I got to deal with that.

Then, I got married, more because it seemed like the thing to do, and I had met someone that I wanted to be. I know it sounds strange, but my ex-wife, aside from a few issues of her own, was beautiful and sexy and in my mind I fantasized about being her. She was not an ideal person, she was a bigot and mean and pretty much everything I didn't like. But her body fit the fantasy of what I wanted to be. This makes me sound deranged, let me state that at no time did I want to skin her and wear it. I just wanted to be a girl, a pretty girl with my thoughts and feelings. I was jealous of her getting to be a girl and live that life, I had not come to grips yet with my reality. So we got divorced, I was a bad husband and she was a bad person. She never knew what I was, I was always very good at hiding within myself. I tried to make it work, only because I was supposed to be married and have kids and be the man. It's what I was trained to do all my life, it was the expectation and I didn't know how to deal with it.

Now I am engaged and I love her more than anything or anyone. I told her my secret, a true secret, only I knew, and now she does too. It's about trust for me. I can handle having a mans body, I like having sex with my fiance and we are trying to have a child. I like being the dad to her children, they are my children in every way. But I am still a girl on the inside, I still wear the clothes, I just don't wear them in front of the children. I don't want to confuse our youngest, they have all had enough with the deadbeat dad they regret, I don't want them to regret my being their dad.

Anyway, I wanted to start this blog, not for you but for me. I wanted to hash things out in my head, to say the things I hide during the day. Read it or not, helpful or not, welcome to my page.