Monday, August 31, 2015

I am Cait

I have been watching "I am Cait", for obvious reasons. There are a lot of good things in this show, it shows more than anything that a rich Olympian also has issues with feeling comfortable, with being who they are. I understand when she says that she doesn't want to be a transgender, she just wants to be a girl. There are a lot of good perspectives on the show, and it is easy to think that these changes are possible even if you are older.

However, there are a lot of things that I don't agree with, being a person I have my own opinions, such as the cis-dissing. (I think I just made that word up, Cis-Dis. Please give me credit if I totally made that up.) Not being attracted to someone you know is transgender is not anyone's problem, it is not a choice, it is just how they feel and it is legitimate. We all want to be accepted for who we are, we all want someone to find us attractive, but if they are not attracted to you for being who you are, then they aren't wrong, they just aren't. You will have to get over it. Not everyone will accept you for being trans, much less be attracted to you for it. You will have to get over it, you can only educate, you cannot make someone change their mind, that is something they have to grow into or not.

I like the show, it makes me uncomfortable in the right kind of ways. I like that I am seeing a mirror to my issues in a lot of instances. I like that her transgender friends or acquaintances are so much more educated and have such good insight into the world as a trans.

It is the more glamorized version of (and I have plugged this before) New Girls on the Block. It's no less, just different. I cry watching NGoB, it's such an emotional journey. I wish they would do a 2nd season, it's just such a great show, to follow these wonderful women on their journey, not being perfect or even rational sometimes, just being real women with real issues. With IaC, there is this veneer of displacement, an unreal feeling about the show itself. Anyway, I watch the show because there is precious little for transgender out there that allows you to see what it is like, what you may encounter.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Behind the Mask

Everyone is up in arms about the Caitlyn Jenner costume. I understand that if done with bad intent it can only hurt our cause. However, I don't believe it was done out of malice, I think it was done for profit, and I think that is a good thing. Let me explain, by putting Caitlyn in with Captain America, Wonder Woman, Casper and Dracula, it's putting her and our cause into the mainstream consciousness of america. I don't think it is mocking anyone, I think it is embracing the idea that people will want to emulate her during halloween. Is it a mocking act when people want to dress up as someone else? Why should this be different? Why should we insulate ourselves? The main issue with LGBT and transpeople that I hear is how we T's are put off in a corner. This is an excellent way to put ourselves in the party and not in the corner. I think that we need to calm down just a bit and be able to laugh at ourselves once in a while, not for what we perceive everyone thinks of us, but for fun and joy. Allow yourself to be joyful once in a while.

Saturday, August 22, 2015

Feelings, nothing more than feelings

I haven't had a lot of time lately. Dealing with the urgent care, only to have found nothing to account for how I was feeling. And now next week I will deal with the full week of intense IT meetings with four different companies. I'm a bit overwhelmed, but that is probably more due to my going to the worst case scenario in everything. I think that sometimes I would have been better served if I had never learned that term, but the die is cast and I am forever a worrier and a pessimist. It's unfortunate, pessimists don't want to be that way, we truly want to be optimists but we can't bring ourselves to be so foolish as to believe that things are inherently going to work out. I'm just trying to deal with everything and I can't let anyone else help me deal with them.

Trust is something that has never been in my nature. My father was abusive when I was younger, he liked to punch and use this belt with wire wound around the edges on my legs. He didn't handle stress in any kind of positive way. Later on in life we managed to be good with each other. I forgave him while I was in the military. He died last year, but I'm glad he knew that I didn't hate him, that I loved him in spite of what he did as a young father. He was a good grandfather and a pretty decent older dad. But I never really learned to trust anyone. So I am an introvert and guarded. The most I open up is on this blog, and to be honest, even here I hold back a lot. I don't want to be seen as complaining and I don't divulge things willingly. Yes, even in a diary to myself I would hide things. Pathetic, I know.

I place small amounts of trust in people and they always manage to let me down. It's a vicious circle. I probably sabotage any real attempt at trust so I won't have to be close enough to anyone to get hurt by them. I love my wife and I love my kids, I trust my wife but I can't fully open up to her, as much as I want to. There is this wall and I can throw things over it, but I can't find a door.

Anyway, I've got feelings and wanted to get them out. Sorry, nothing today about my TG issues, this is all about my insides.

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Awkward situations

Had to go to urgent care today, I was not feeling well at all. So, I’m sitting in there and wondering if I would have to take off any of my clothes. I don’t care if someone I don’t know notices I wear panties and have shaved legs. However, when it’s someone I’m depending on giving me medical care I start to worry that this doctor may have something against transgender, or in my case the incorrect term of transvestite. Then instead of focusing on my medical issue he/she would be distracted by something that is just about their comfort level. Luckily, I didn’t have to get undressed at all.

It got me thinking about all the little details that I had never actually thought about. How do you handle these situations? If you have to go to a doctor, especially outside your primary care physician, transitioning or not, do they need to know about your gender assignment? Does it help to move on to the other real medical issue? What if the medical professional is less than professional and takes a personal stance? Has anyone been denied medical care for being transgender? I’m already up in arms about gay men not being allowed to donate blood, it’s just stupid.

Do I have to divulge my gender just because the doctor may ask me to disrobe? Am I better off wearing mens clothes to the doctors appointment, just to make someone else feel better? I feel stupid wearing mens clothes, I’m already not comfortable in this body, the least I have is wearing something that makes feel slightly better. So I would feel awkward being at the doctors, feeling awkward being in the wrong clothes.

Saturday, August 15, 2015

All the small things

So, yesterday I got my first dress from Amazon. I should say my first dress that I have bought directly. All my life I have worn hand me down clothes. Girlfriends or my first wife, if they had old clothes they wanted to send to goodwill or salvation army, I would go through them and rescue a few items. I had to be careful, I didn't want to get caught mostly because I never trusted anyone to know about me. So, a skirt here, a blouse there and I was able to maintain a very small and easily disposable wardrobe. If I had to move or if I had a change in living arrangements I could throw it all away and not feel like I just spent that money for nothing.

It was very very hard during my time in the military. I kept a separate area that was used by whatever woman I was dating at the time. More often than not, it was just where I kept clothes I had liberated from the donation pile, and I could explain it as I thought they had wanted to keep that item, if I had gotten caught with it in the closet.

But this is different, I bought this dress, it fits and I feel good wearing it. I also don't feel bad for "liberating" clothes or wearing something from a girlfriends/wives closet. I keep it in my closet, and I have another dress coming in a week or so. I still keep them to the back of the closet, which is apropos to my situation. I would love to find some heels to wear with them, I don't normally care much about shoes, I like to be comfortable. But with these dresses, I can see that heels would be nice.

Anyway, I have my first legitimate dress, after just being so used to wearing what I could get away with without being caught. It's nice, I'm pretty happy about it. I really like not feeling guilty at all, not one little bit.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

A quick word

Just wanted to acknowledge some sites that I have found good information on. I have added a links section on the right-hand side of the site. I'm not saying they are the best, just what I have found so far that seem to hold the most information or I found interesting.

If you would like to link your page on this blog, or any links that hold good information, please send me an email and I will add it. I don't require a reciprocal link, that is of course, completely up to you.

In other news:
(I just saw this in the news and thought I would share)

Nepal Is the Latest Country to Acknowledge Transgender Citizens on Its Passports

I love that the world is changing, it is a slow slog, but I think that despite all the tragedy and continued hostility, things are changing for the better. I thank all those who came before us, who had courage and chose love and light, instead of propagating hate. I don't know anyone who's mind was changed through hostility and hate, it has only ever re-enforced their prejudice.

Sunday, August 9, 2015


So we were married yesterday! We had a great time with family and friends, and the ceremony was touching and sweet. My parents will be going home tomorrow evening or Tuesday, I will miss them.
Of course, I wasn't happy about "man" and wife, but who ever is that is transgender. I had to just deal with it, it's my issue not anyone else's since I haven't come out to everyone. I can be annoyed with it, but I can't blame anyone but myself for that. I wore uncomfortable (more so than just being dress clothes) clothes and wear a mans ring, again myself to blame. All the little things I'm complaining about now pale in comparison to my happiness at finally being married to my wonderful wife.

A day in the life of the closeted transgender, is knowing that every picture with your beautiful wife is going to show the guy you aren't as well. little daggers in the heart.

When I was a preteen, I used to wonder if the doctor who delivered me made a mistake. He should have (somehow) known that this was a girl and not a boy and taken the correct steps, informed my parents and done the necessary things to make sure I was a girl in body as well. Things are always so much easier in my head.

So I am married, I am me and her. I am me, I am this me and I don't have another me. I have to deal with me being me. I hate looking at photos of me, I don't want to deal with me.

Bittersweet. Sorry, I should only be happy right now, it sounds like I am trying for a pity party. I am not, I'm sad over an existing condition, but happy about my current status as a partner of a wonderful woman.

Saturday, August 1, 2015

Something old, something new

I haven't posted in a couple of days, I'm exhausted. We are having our wedding in 8 days at our home, so family is coming in and I am just trying to get everything done. I am worried that my Mom will pick my yard apart with critiques. (she is a yard junkie) On top of the wedding, I am meeting the VP of my new company (we just recently were bought out) at the end of this month and I am the new IT manager, so I have to prove my worth. I have a list of things that my new boss wants me to accomplish for a new site that we are building, it's all very stressful. I'm a computer person, always have been, since a Vic 20 was shown to me by a friend, I was hooked. Except I have never been in IT. I have always had jobs around it, but never actually in IT. Now I am a manager, it's daunting and I don't want to let anyone down.

So we are getting married, I have spoken to my fiance ad nauseum, asking her if  she is sure. I am worried that though I have been honest with her, for her this is all relatively new. She says she is fine with it, that it doesn't bother her, perhaps it doesn't. I don't know, I have to trust her to know if she is ok with marrying a transgender person. I feel badly that I am how I am, I thought I would feel better after telling her the truth. Thing is, I don't think I feel better. I think I feel somehow worse. Like I am making her deal with my issues. I feel like crying. It could just be stress, but I feel like crying.

I want to be a woman so badly on the outside, I want to match so badly with how I feel on the inside.

Here is another wrinkle, I haven't told you, dear internet. Our daughter (one of my stepdaughters) who is 17, who had already come out to us several years ago as gay, has come to us to ask for permission for hormone treatments. Ordinarily, we would be fine with this, and though she doesn't know that I am transgender, I have a unique outlook on her situation. However, she has started dating and currently living with a 23 year old woman who we believe is pushing her to this. Our daughter, who is still in high school, has never shown a propensity for being transgender. As recently as this year she has spent every dollar she made on dresses and makeup, despite our wishing she would save the money. This all changed a month after she started dating her now girlfriend.

We are very open minded, and she had no trouble at all with coming to us and letting us know she was gay. We have always supported her decisions. This doesn't feel like her decision, it feels like she is trying to please her girlfriend who has a strong influence in their relationship. We told her that we would not give her permission for hormone treatments. We want her to wait the 10 months until she is 18, and she can make that decision for herself. I am hopeful that will give her time to truly think about what she wants and the reasons why she wants it. I should say that we tried to get her to go to a therapist who specializes in transgender, which she would need in order to take the hormones legally anyway. She refused to go. So I don't know if we made the right decision. I don't want her to wait too long to do something if she is serious, but I don't want her to find out that this is something she is wanting because someone else is actually wanting it. A bilateral mastectomy would be a horrible thing to go through for someone else, it should be for you, not trying to make someone else happy.

Any thoughts on this? Are we being too harsh?