Wednesday, October 28, 2015

The Trip, Business

So, I'm going on a trip to Germany soon. I will be going with all my bosses (2) and other managers at my level. They are all men and they are all in their own click, good ol' boys. I have always been the odd one out among them, in more ways than they know. But now we are going to be way too close to each other. Also, we are going to be in various states of undress, in a cleanroom situation. [ there is a gowning procedure, which includes taking everything off but your underwear and putting on a cleanroom jumper] So, that sucks. First of all, I'm not comfortable being around boys in their underwear, I had to endure that in the military, at least some of them were cute. This is not the case now, and I don't want my bosses spotting things like shaved legs, they are not attractive and I'm married. Before I come out, I am going to have to find a new job, I would be run out of this one by these guys.

So, I am going to have to full boy mode it, take away the very few things that make me feel feminine. I will have a few things in my luggage so I can dress how I want in the privacy of my hotel room. But I'm nervous about the TSA thing searching my luggage. Anyway, if I come out, I want it to be on my terms, no one elses. I know I am giving away far too many details about my life as well on here. I have to reign it in a bit.

So I have to wear boxers and hope they don't eye me while I get undressed and dressed again. I'm growing my facial hair out and cut my hair short for the trip to help with the ruse. My hair wasn't that long to begin with so no big deal, but I HATE not being shaved, not being smooth on my face. The things I do to remain employed.

I haven't posted on here in a while, been very busy preparing everything for this trip.

Friday, October 16, 2015

Some Me Time!

My wife and kids are away on a weekend camping trip that I couldn't attend due to work. So, I am home alone! I picked out a cute outfit, put on some nail polish, and took our dog for a walk. I wish I had a nice wig, my next purchase or perhaps a christmas gift from the wife? I keep my hair short for work, unfortunately. Perhaps that will change for the new company... <making a cup of tea>

Ok, so I waffle back and forth on transitioning. It's a matter of telling my mother, who is very sick and I don't want to be any additional stress on her already fragile state. And my job, which I am currently going through transition within itself. I want to start HRT, I want to do something! I have waited so long, far too long. I also worry that my wife will think this is something that won't include her. It will always include her. I don't worry about her family, she has always been above what her parents think. I worry more about my family (other than my mom), who I am still trying to please for some reason. Anyway, I waffle. waffle, syrup, waffle and butter.

I used to do a podcast with my best friend, we will call him... D'Argo. We covered some geek related things like BtVS and Farscape and other things. It got pretty popular actually, I was surprised to find. We were guest speakers at a few cons and were even asked for a few autographs. I only mention this because I really miss podcasting. I found a few files from the podcast and I am just very nostalgic right now. Anyway, D'Argo got married and has been ill for a while, he was the real talent of the show, I was the director/producer and the co-talent. I miss those days. Sigh.

I want to tell D'Argo that I am not John (a boy), but Aeryn (me, girly girl). Ok Aeryn is a bad choice, she is a bad ass and I am not that confrontational. I want to tell him that I am me, a girl. However, he is married to a woman that treats him badly, that doesn't have his best interests at heart, but that he still for some reason loves. I would rather her not have this information. So, sadly I must keep this information from a man that I truly love as my brother. I am not in the least worried about telling him, he would not abandon me, he would accept me. But what his wife would do with the information (shudder) I don't want to think. Eventually, this may all be a moot point, should I transition. I just miss my brother and the few times we talk, I stop short of telling him everything I want to tell him.

I am participating in a few support groups online. I am trying to find a group in RL, so wish me luck on that in this small town area. I am listening to a few podcasts, and I mentioned one of them previously, However, I started at the beginning, I am a completion-ist that way, so I didn't realize that it had pod-faded for some reason. so it ends in 2014 which is sad. I'm not to the end yet, far from it, so I am ploughing ahead with it until the inevitable end. It's still a good podcast and worth the listen.

I am happy in my life, I am happy with my family. I am deeply sad about me. I don't know where the time went, I don't know why I didn't act while I was young. I am so angry at young me for being so stupid. Sure, it was harder to find any information without the interwebs, and transitioning seemed like an impossibility, but why oh why didn't I do it then? I spent way too much time being hopeful that some entity would just change me into a girl, that some magic would fix all my problems. I spent too much time ignoring what I was because I didn't feel there was any way out. Bah, now I am in a bad mood. Ok, going to drink my quickly cooling cup of tea.

Thursday, October 15, 2015


I have been listening to a lot of podcasts lately, following my interests or hobbies. One of the most honest and well done is the Trans-Ponder podcast. Mila and Jayna are insightful and witty, true to their nature without pandering to any one section of the trans community. They are who I wish I had grown up to be. Well done!

Sunday, October 11, 2015

What about Martin?

So, in a previous post I mentioned my transgender FtM stepson. We.. "WE" were having trouble letting go of her so that she could become him in our minds. I can't believe I had so much trouble with it. Of all people, of all of us, I should have known better. I am disappointed in myself. I won't make excuses, there were a lot of factors, but there always is, so shame on me.

Anyway, I have embraced the pronouns and he is Martin. I will miss my stepdaughter, I loved her so much. But I love Martin, my stepson enough to respect his feelings and he hasn't changed on the inside, he is still my child. My intelligent, smartass, brave son.

However, my wife, bless her, is having trouble. She is very open minded, but she loves her children to a fault, as all mothers should. So she can't quite let go of her daughter. She needs more time I think. This isn't about the transgender issue, it's about letting her daughter go and making the firm decision to change herself as well. This is why I can't come out to my mother. She could handle the transgender part, but her first born son to her will have gone and been replaced with a daughter. It's hard to wrap the brain around for anyone. My mom doesn't have that kind of time, so she will always, in her mind, have a son. I am duty bound and bound by love to gift her that. If we were both younger, this part of my transition wouldn't even be an issue.

So, right now I am the only one in the house calling him Martin or using proper pronouns. That leaves a mother, daughter and son, three that continue to call him a her and using her old name. It's creating a division here, obviously. They have all, with exception of our youngest daughter, which I'm honestly not sure about, said that they are waiting to see if it "takes." To see if it is real. I'm not sure how to answer that, it's real to him, it doesn't have to be real to anyone else. I'm sitting here in the early morning, typing on my trans blog wearing a little black dress and heels, after having felt like a girl since living memory, you tell me when it is real to you.

I understand their hesitation, I understand their wanting to hold on. I'm just frustrated that these people, the most open minded people I know, are still not letting this happen. Love has to let go, love is open arms.

Saturday, October 10, 2015

How it is to be Miss Tobi

I was recently contacted about posting a link to Linda's video which features Miss Tobi, an artist in Berlin. I watched the video and was taken with how every Transgender feels differently about what they are and how they fit in to the world. Tobi's feelings about being trans are different than mine, but no less valid.

The Video:
How It Is To Be Miss Tobi: I don’t feel like a woman, I don’t feel like a man, I feel transgender.

I am posting as well Linda's blog, which appears to be a life-coach blog. Just in case anyone is interested.

How it is to be You

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

The Transgender Activism Paradox

I'm a lurker, it's what I do. I have, since living memory, watched everyone from inside myself. I don't participate, I watch. If I were on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, even though I would love to be Buffy, sadly I would have been Anthony Head, the watcher. I learn a lot from watching, and rarely being noticed. I am not a distraction so people tend to say more than they intended. Here is what I have noticed in my short time lurking.

If you are a transitioning transgender, you are most likely to disappear from the community. Your period of activism or participation ends once you have fully transitioned. It's not your fault. The caterpillar doesn't revisit the cocoon,  it flies away the butterfly into another life, borne on the air. The transgender community appears to be populated by only a few that have fully transitioned, those who have decided to stay and fight for legitimacy of the transgender community. This isn't a dig at those who have left, to be stealth or who are passing without effort, I think it's wonderful. I am not judging anyone. If I could pass, if I could live my day to day as a girl, you would never see me again. It's the curse, the curse of the transgender. No one truly wants to be this, to be physically the wrong gender. So when we get what we want, we just want to be a regular boy or girl.

It's also what we wish for any other transgender we meet. There are several I talk to on here that I am in contact with, I wish nothing more than that they get what they want, to be a real girl, to transition. I would love them to lead normal lives, falling in love, having a family. A normal life isn't protesting or joining in LGBT issues. It marks you, brings your transition into a clinical light for all to see, to remember you as a transgender MtF or FtM, not as you, not as the woman or man who just wants to live their life. If you are just gay, then it's a matter of you being attracted to the same gender. It's a right you have been fighting for, for a long bloody time. To marry, to live as a gay person without prejudice. But to be a transgender, gay or straight, you don't really get to live with yourself. You get to bemoan the body you are in, or change it, but you still live with something you get to bring up over and over. You had to change yourself to feel like you. It's not about sexual orientation. So for a transgender, it's like joining AA to announce you have a fear of spiders.

Don't get me wrong. I believe in the cause. I believe that we need to be heard and we need the same rights as everyone else. So, the question becomes, how do you participate in the "T" part of the LGBT and still retain our woman or man-hood. Must our transition define us so that we can never just be us?

Tell me.

Saturday, October 3, 2015

I am the Girl

I am the girl, who who falls for the cute boy.
Who isn't noticed at first, but then he finally really sees.

I am the girl, with whom a boy falls in love and pursues.
He finally gets me by doing something profound.

I am the girl that kisses another girl.
Who learns that love isn't always what you expect.

I am the girl, that doesn't care what others think.
And in this way claims the love and trust of another woman.

I am the girl that curls up on her couch after breaking up.
Who watches old movies and knows them by heart.

I am the girl that loses her love, thinking never to love again.
Then she finds love in the heart of a good man.

I am the girl, who dreams of her big break.
Who is betrayed, but finds that her strength will get her through.

I am the girl, who is waiting for her prince.
To be rescued and taken to his castle to become his bride.

I am the girl, who is popular and sexy.
Who helps a nerd be cool, but in the end finds she loves him as he was.

I am the girl, that is desperate to get away.
Pursued by a crazy man, but finds the courage to beat him.

I am the girl with seemingly no care in the world.
Who helps someone realize a truth, and is fondly remembered once she is gone.

I am the girl who is brutalized and beaten.
That fights back and manages through sheer will to bring them to justice.

I am the girl who has been alone for a long time.
Who is brought back to the world by a caring and gentle man.

        I watched a lot of movies and TV in my life. I always identified with the girl. I wasn't the action hero, I was the love interest. I wasn't the infatuated boy, I was the object of his affection. I was Wonder Woman, I was Marion Ravenwood, I was Diane Court and Samantha Baker. I lived through their eyes and cried when they cried, fought when they fought, was brave when they were brave. No John Hughes movie was watched without me being the girl in my head. No fantasy in which I was not the enigmatic and svelte elven princess. When you see me, truly see me, you will know that I am the girl.

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Do-ing the Right Thing

This weekend I am going to look into support groups online. (thanks for the prompting “L”) I have a lot of thoughts that are flying through my head and I need some guidance or at least some one to say, “hey stop that!” I want to transition really badly, I want to be what I am. They seem like the same thing, but they really aren’t. If you have read any of my previous posts, you probably already know how I feel about transitioning. But it is as close as I will ever be to being what I am on the inside. So I keep thinking why not. Why not do it and try to be as happy as I can be. Work could be an issue, it’s a new job and I don’t know how this will fly there. How will this affect my family overall? Lots of things, and lots of reasons to find a support group. If anyone has suggestions I would be open to them.

Also I have started running in the mornings, despite my fear of running right into a bear (mountains, so it can happen easily). I’m looking online to see what exercises I can do to feminize my body. If anyone has suggestions to that I would appreciate it as well. I can find most of this information online, but you can’t beat other peoples knowledge of what works and what doesn’t.

I want to thank those of you who have been emailing me, with words of encouragement and wisdom and just to say hi. I very much appreciate your thoughts. I am trying my best to break out of being this loner chick who doesn’t do anything but lurk on other people’s blogs. I am trying to involve myself in the trans community. It’s not easy, it’s very hard to depend on other people, to allow them access to my feelings. This blog is a part of what I am trying to do, to undo years and years of doing things the wrong way, the easy way. Anyway, thanks for reading and participating, I am going to return the kindness.