Tuesday, July 28, 2015

When i was a little girl

As a child, I remember telling my mom that I wanted to be a girl. I think she took it as a toddler wanting to be someone else, I never brought it up again. When I was in my teens, I never thought seriously about transitioning. I lived in a small town, I didn’t even know there were other people like me. It took me years to finally see someone who had transitioned in a magazine, and the results were so bad that I couldn’t even fathom doing it. So growing up, I was always daydreaming about suddenly becoming a girl, kind of like an Ellen Barkin in “Switch” scenario. Sure it was badly written, and the subject matter was all over the place, but it was about the sudden transformation I was interested in. My daydreams tended to run in the vein of these type of movies, I was minding my own business, then Pow! I wake up a girl. I am in boy clothes, so I have to find something that fits to wear. Of course, instead of the whole movie concept of coming to terms with being a girl, I was overjoyed and ready to go. There aren’t any movies I know of, that are willing gender switched, that would have been awesome. I never really got over the wish that I would just wake up one day and be me.  I thought that the only way I could be a girl, truly be, is to wish it, for magic to happen. There had been many a night where I lay awake crying, making the same wish over and over. That if I just wished hard enough, long enough, I wouldn’t be a stranger staring back at me when I woke up. 

Monday, July 27, 2015

In opposition to what I've said before

I’m a methodical person, I check everything twice and follow the rules. The one aspect of me, which does not follow conformity or the norm is my gender. So, recently, when I came out TG to my fiancé, I decided to educate myself on me. I have gone through books and websites, I was amazed at how many reference materials there are, and how broad the terminology can be. Once you start looking it is everywhere, from the dry definitions to the dubious guesses, it’s all out there to find. I don’t know how I didn’t see this until now. I know in the early 90’s I had tried looking but I couldn’t really find anything, unless you were looking in psychology texts, which is just fun <sarcasm> to peruse.

Anyway, I am wondering something I can’t really find, it seems to be glossed over a bit, either due to what I imagine must be painful memories, or it didn’t seem important after the fact. How does one transition (even start it really) and maintain a career, friends and family? Has anyone done it and kept the people and job that they love? Is there a way to approach this with your company (I work for the US side of a german-owned company of about 500+ employees)?

I don’t want to fully transition, I think I will leave the penis alone, it hasn’t done anything to me personally. It’s an aspect I can hide away and I don’t have to worry about anyone but my fiancé seeing it anyway. (one of the many plusses of getting married to an awesome woman.) But I want to do everything else I think. I feel drawn, despite my concerns, to attempt to make myself who I am on the inside. It’s in my thoughts night and day now. I just don’t know how to get started. I don’t want to freak my co-workers out, I don’t want to alienate my family. I know they will, and I am fairly sure I might on both counts. I would like to minimize it as much as possible if anyone has done it even moderately successfully.

Friday, July 24, 2015

To be, or not to be

It's not a question, I am what my mind makes me. Like any woman, I want to be beautiful, I want to be admired for being strong of will and smart of wit. I want to be recognized as a woman, to not be clocked, to pass 100%. I think that is what we all want really. In a perfect world, we would just be us, just the women (or men) that we know we are. But in the real world we have to contend with the bodies we are given, and that means we try to pass, to be a girl or boy in a world that gave us the wrong damn body. I know it's vanity, but I want to be able to pass. That is a tall order, and a costly one, monetarily and emotionally.

I am so impressed by those who have transitioned, their strength, their will. I am in awe of those who can be who they are to the world. I cower in the shadow, I hide myself away to all. I don't think I have that courage. I could certainly be shot at and survive a war, but I can't seem to be who I am to the world, it's a very odd thing. I think I'm not being judged by the enemy, they hated me no matter what I was. I am judged now, I judge me more harshly than anyone else I'm sure. I feel ugly, I feel like someone put a bag of flesh over me and forced me into this life. I am never comfortable in my body, not awake. I dream and things are different, but waking up is a severe disappointment.

I travel through life, as if I am looking through a window. I am within this building and as I move, the building moves with me, large and bulky with parts I don't identify with. The building keeps me safe from others, I can see them through the window. But the price is I can never feel the air outside, I can never truly embrace an encounter.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Trying to convince you, or me

I can understand the feeling that my being non-transitioning would make me seem less serious than those who are transitioning. I am a woman, I have always been female since my earliest cohesive memory. This isn’t a burgeoning fantasy, or something “cool” to be. I hate it. I hate that I am not who I am. I hate that I have hidden who I am all my life in the belief that my parents would be hurt in some way, or even disown me. That my grandparents would not accept me. I didn’t want to be alone in life.

It has been building for years, thinking there was nothing I could do, then finding out there are things I can do. But when I found that you could change, transition, the results I saw were horrifying. Plastic and fake looking, these were to me, a parody of being. I didn’t want to be a man in women’s clothes, I didn’t want to be an obviously surgically altered man in women’s clothes either.  They have advanced since then, and in that time I have bemoaned my getting married to a person who was already violently intolerant of her gay sister, she would have left me without a thought if I had come out to her. I was trying to be the man the world wanted me to be. I failed in that I think, in many ways.

I want to change, but I’m getting too old, and money would be an issue. I have responsibilities to my family, to my kids. In the scheme of things, I managed to still have a good life. I burn with regret, I still hate having the body of a man. But, I have good friends, and a good life despite it. I have a wonderful woman and children that I love. Changing now only hurts everyone I know and love. Changing now is a last minute grasp at some personal happiness.  I know who I am inside, perhaps that will be enough, now that it’s so late in the game.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Family Matters

I’ve spoken of my fiancé a few times in previous posts. Other than my coming out, I don’t know that we have had a really frank discussion about my being transgender. I mean, she acknowledges that I am, and we discuss things like pansexuality, of which she is. And I have to admit after having the discussion, I most likely am as well. But there are things, where we had discussed going to the goodwill for our girls to go shopping for clothes, which they absolutely love to do. I had mentioned that I would like her to buy me a few dresses if we go, she kind of laughed and didn’t comment on that. I don’t know if this made her uncomfortable, or if because I am hiding this from our kids that somehow she is disappointed?

I have chosen not to tell the kids because they had a biological father who wasn’t around and made excuses and wanted drugs more than his children. He was a huge letdown to them before he ended up dying from a drug overdose. So I don’t want them to feel as if they are losing another father all over again. I think they would be accepting of whatever I chose to be, but they would feel hurt that yet another father has decided to be something else, other than there for them. It may well be cowardice on my part, I know that, I’ve practiced it for years, which is why I’m still a man.

So, the crux of this post is, I’m not sure exactly where I stand with my fiancé. I know she is good with it, but can I dress how I would like, act how I actually feel in front of her? I don’t want her to feel I am being foolish or grasping for something that isn’t going to happen. I just want to be me, even with this body anchoring me into this gender. I wear panties and I do wear womens jeans, she hasn’t commented on this and she does the laundry a lot more than I do. But I don’t think I can wear womens tops or dresses around her, I get the sense she would think it was stupid. I mean, it is in this body, but when no one is around, I don’t feel like a man wearing girl clothes, I can just feel like me wearing clothes I feel good in.

Anyway, am I being crazy? I haven’t told her about this blog yet. I want to, but I wanted something I could write in without fear, so I could be honest about my feelings. I don’t want to pander to her, or passively show her my feelings on here. I just want to get my thoughts out there.

I’m not sure how to feel or what to do, if anyone has suggestions, I would love to hear them.

Sunday, July 19, 2015

New Girls on the Block

So I found this wonderful show, "New Girls on the Block" there are only 5 episodes in season 1, but I am very hopeful there will be much more. That they have each other for support is uncommon and absolutely fabulous. I don't know how many times I cried for them during my binge watch, it was a lot, they are such strong and wonderful women.
 You need to watch this, this is what your lives can be. It doesn't have to be fear and hiding, putting your hair in your face hopeful you won't be noticed, but then wishing someone would notice you and fall in love.

I'm a non-transitioning transgender, mainly because I don't like my body at all. I don't think I can transition and be happy, I would rather just not be a man at all. Also, I've waited too late in life to do anything about it, waiting until you have the courage is just being a coward your entire life, never taking a risk. I was too concerned with making everyone else happy I suppose. Everyone has their issues, and this is mine. I am a girl, it's hidden within a male penis-y candy shell. It doesn't mean I don't know the feeling of wanting to be noticed, or loved as a woman. These women are inspiring to me, as are many women who have decided to make the change. Give this show a shot, you won't be disappointed.

Friday, July 17, 2015

Boy Meets Girl

So, I just watched "Boy Meets Girl" on Netflix. I loved the movie, though I can say that people are not that honest with themselves in real life. I'm speaking of the angry marine, usually the anger is enough for people and they will run with that instead of confronting any actual feelings. Regardless, I loved the movie for what it was saying. Michelle Hendley is AMAZING! I wish I had her strength. I cried through the movie for the strength her character showed.

I've already said enough times how I regret not being a stronger person, trusting in others was never something I could manage. I don't trust people to be anything but an angry mob, I've seen the worst in people so it skews my ability to believe in people. I am in awe of those that made the transition and still managed to have a life and not be a complete shut-in.

I will not be the girl I am, it's just how it is. I will be flesh that I am, and I will mourn it. If I had it to do over again, I am sure I would be just as weak as I was the first time. Only slightly less than my deepest wish to be a girl, would be my wish to have courage enough to be who I am regardless of who thinks what.

If I could give anyone advice on their lives, it will always be to have the courage to live your life on your terms. It will be the only true regret that I have control over and failed to control.

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Confused and confounded

Growing up I would develop crushes on girls in tv shows and movies, I also would pray to any entity that would listen that he/she would change me into one of them. Not the actress themselves, just their likeness. I was so utterly confused by my feelings and already withdrawn from almost everyone. I really really liked girls, but I also wanted to be them, I didn’t know what to do. Throw in the confusion of being in love with my best friend who was a boy, and I am very surprised, looking back, that I hadn’t tried something foolish like suicide. I never entertained it, only in looking back do I ponder why it never entered my mind. I would spend the night at his house a lot, and we slept in the same bed. He wasn’t the kind of boy to be attracted to other boys, but that didn’t stop me from lying there at night, wishing he would roll over and kiss me. Once he had inadvertently spooned me, I had woken up very early, and he was rock hard against me. I pushed into him, feeling him against me, in the silent hope he would take the next step, but it didn’t happen, he released me and turned over, still asleep. My crush on my friend eventually went away, and I never had that feeling for another man, though I can appreciate them as sexy or handsome. It took me years to understand that I going to love who I love and I don’t really care what gender they are, it’s about the soul, about them as a person. It’s always been women since, but I think that it could have been men if I had met the right one.

Monday, July 13, 2015

Rattling the chains of me

I’ve been going to a lot of trans sites lately, (I’ve always felt like a girl, but circumstances and money have always been an issue) and found a lot of really good information. I don’t have a girls body-type, and I have a lot of body hair which bothers me. I tried shaving my face, and I can keep it clean shaven for a day, then I have to shave again, and even then in a few hours it doesn’t look clean shaven. My legs and armpits do fine, I can keep them smooth for three or four days at a time, but my face is a lost cause in my current condition. I can’t be physically a woman, so I know that this is all just to make me feel better, but it bothers me to no end that if I wanted to wear a dress or a cute outfit, I would still be in a mans body and on top of that, I would be sporting at the very least a 5 o’clock shadow. I don’t want to be a circus freak, or gawked at, I just want to be me and me isn’t this body. I hate tucking as well, but I don’t know if I would have ever gone all the way with that, since there is a lot of things that can go wrong. I don’t want to really cut anything off, I just want it to have never been there at all.

A lot of times, I dream about being a woman and there are times where I know the feeling of someone being inside me. I love women, but I think that even then, I would want her to thrust into me. I can get excited through anal stimulation, but in the dreams, it’s not that way, it’s the sensations (I can only surmise) are through vaginal stimulation. It’s different than when my penis is stimulated, it’s not the sharp finish? I guess? I don’t know, but I wake up feeling desperately empty inside after those dreams.

Our daughter is going to spend some time with her friends in another state, and this would be a great time to wear something I could enjoy, a dress or a nice blouse, a sundress. But I only have to see a reflection of the skin I am in and then I would feel a right idiot for doing it. I don’t want to look foolish, grasping for a feeling in front of my fiancé. She would be fine, I would not. Sigh.