Thursday, November 26, 2015

Down to here, down to there


I have my hair cut very very short, I hate having it that short, but my mid-way to long hair is horrible and takes a while and I have a new job this year. So I need help in determining a really good, economical wig. I could go with the more expensive ones, and I shall, but I want to have something right now and a custom wig is not in the cards at the moment. It's not going to resolve my fear of going out in "girls" clothes, but it will make me feel more feminine.

My real issue, is that despite the armor that I wear each day of "not caring", I really do care what other people think. I care far too much. I care that my wife will think less of me, I care that other people will see a "guy", I care that I use to many " ". It's the reason why I haven't come out, it's the reason why I hide. I worry over what other people will think in their heads. It's a real pain.

Anyway, if anyone can suggest a nice wig maker from say amazon that would be great.

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Stiletto steps

Ok, so I wasn't sure if this was oversharing, it probably is but I'm going to do it anyway. So I have been looking for a way to broach the subject of my wife making love to me, with a strap-on. And with work and the trip, it has been very hard for us to get together long enough for me to get to that subject. Alright, I have been the main hurdle there. I just don't want to add yet another issue to the many issues I already bring to the table. I am an issue machine it seems.

I feel that we made it a step closer, to her accepting I am a woman who wants to feel like a woman. I had put on this very night-gownish dress and was laying in bed with her on a weekend. It was one of those deliciously comfortable weekend mornings where sex is most pleasurable if the other person would wake up! So I was laying there, the feel of this silky material, under the covers and cuddling with my sleeping wife. I was feeling very feminine and very much wished she would take me.

I don't want to go into too much detail, out of respect for the wife. But we made love that morning and she was ok with me wearing traditionally feminine clothing whilst doing it. She was very handsy, so I think she really liked it. I just enjoyed feeling even moderately feminine during sex. I rarely am able to feel that, I usually feel mechanical and one-sided. So this was nice.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Lost and Found

So, I have had a few days to get back into work and to spend time with family. Getting everything back to relative normal. One of those normal activities is my putting on a nice little dress and my ballet slippers and going for a walk in the very early hours. I have one neighbor, and everything else is farmland or undeveloped for a few miles. So the only thing I have to be careful of is a car or two that may pass. I say be careful because I have very short hair right now and no wig (yet), so I make for some nice areas to hide? no, briefly pause while a car goes past. It's not just the idea that I will get beaten to death by a group of redneck guys wielding shotguns in a pickup truck. It's the idea that they will briefly see a girl in a short dress and slow to check her out and then realize it's a "guy" and then I will be beaten to death. So I pause while they go by, behind a nice tree or electrical access.

Anyway, back to this neighbor. I don't get on with these people, they are literally a house full of felons (confirmed by the sheriffs deputy that came out when I called them about their loose dogs that were attacking our dog that was leashed and being lead by our 12 year old daughter). Anyway, I was walking down to the road when I hear a cough from next door, which is still a good distance away. The woman next door smokes and she goes outside to do it, which makes good common sense if you have a meth lab in the house. (It's my guess from the odor)

So I am like a deer in headlights, as I see her walk off of her darkened porch. I am beside my truck at that point, so I am mostly hidden, but she could have seen me at any point between my house and the truck. She is standing there looking across the yard right at me and I panic a bit and do the "looking for something in my truck" rummaging after I turn off the dome light. I knew I couldn't walk out and go to my house, so there I am looking for nothing in my truck. I don't want to come out to this woman, of all people. She went back inside after a while and I went back into my house, slightly shaken. I was sure that she had seen the "guy" next door wearing a dress.

For a moment I was upset, then I just didn't care that much. The thought was in my head that I would stop my early morning walks for a bit. But I was back out there the next morning, and this morning. It's my only "real me" time. I just want to be the girl on the outside that I am on the inside, it's so hard to make that happen. If god doesn't make mistakes then what does that make me? It's frustrating and upsetting and I am tired of finding out people that I respected are now just bigoted jerks. I'm tired of not being who I am. I'm tired of hiding behind things when cars go by. (though at 4am any girl in a short dress should hide from cars going by on a lonely road, just saying)

Monday, November 16, 2015


I made it back home this weekend, despite the airline strike that cancelled many of the same flights days before. It looks as though this was a good weekend to leave, given the violence in France. It's a real shame when religion rules the mind instead of the heart.

I'm exhausted from dealing with my boss for two weeks on a 24 hour/7 day basis. And I'm sad that I have to find a new job to be me. This was a frightening and eye opening trip, our business is going through a LOT of changes on a fundamental level, and I know what these managers think outside of work. I'm already dealing with the back and forth of trying to become me, it's hard enough internally. If I go through this, I still won't be the me in my head, just closer. I don't doubt that I am a woman, I've known that before I even knew what a girl was. I just doubt I can afford the surgeries and doing things halfway was never me.

Anyway, I'm emotionally tired and I have to go to work in an hour. Let the fun begin.

Thursday, November 5, 2015

ich bin eine frau

I've been in Germany almost a week. I've spent most of that time with my co-workers and bosses. We have been out to drink, which I don't really care to do, several times. I like experimenting with beer, mainly to see if I can find one I actually like. But hanging out with my bosses after they have had a few drinks clarifies a lot of things for me. I can never come out to these misogynistic, homophobic jerks about who I am. I didn't join in with their gay jokes or with their making fun of two gentlemen who where enjoying time together in a nice plaza. They made remarks about skinny jeans on men, how gay it was, how they should just wear dresses. It was a pretty bad night. I have to work with these people but I don't even want to look at them. I struggle with my body image and gender so the thing I really want to hear is how a lovely woman looks like a dude. But I endure this because I have a family, I have to work. So I can't be me to them, to people like them. I don't care what they think, I do care that they can put me out of a job. Other than these jerks, Germany has been fun. The people are very nice and I love the towns. One more week to endure/enjoy.