Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Shining, gleaming, streaming, flaxen, waxen

I got my first wig today!!! Ok, so it is inexpensive and it's from Amazon. It isn't the best wig but it isn't the worst. 
I wore it only for a few minutes this morning, it made me feel much more feminine. It was very warm to wear so I don't know about summer wear, perhaps a bob for the summer. I am very happy! Now if I can get some me time to explore and do makeup, that would be awesome! 
Any suggestions on wig care or perhaps trimming would be great. Going to look up a few things today. Also, anyone have suggestions on makeup starter kits? I rarely do makeup but now I'm feeling the mood!

Friday, December 25, 2015

Happy Christmas!

Ok, so I still have not come out to anyone but my wife. And I am still boy mode at work and mostly at home. It's not perfect, perhaps it never will be. I have my health, a loving family and a roof over our heads. Despite my complaining, it isn't a bad life.

So, I sincerely hope that you all have a wonderful Christmas and a happy new year. I hope for you all, is that you get what you need and a little of what you wish for.

My wish is that you will find some of the peace on earth that this season often promises.

Thursday, December 17, 2015

Properly Ashamed

Reading my previous post, I admit I was tempted to delete it. I feel like I was being a bit selfish, whether or not it's true, I'm not sure. I've always felt that any time or money I've spent on myself is a selfish act. So, it's hard to tell. Are there any transgendered that are not damaged goods in some way? I like to think that there are those who are sound and happy in their life, despite the incorrect genitalia.

Happiness is measured in moments. It's something that has always haunted me since I heard it many years ago. I was abused by my father, he was an angry man. He grew out of it, became a good grandfather, but my childhood was not the best. You could pin my female psyche on this one aspect of my life if you wish. It is a chicken/egg scenario: am I a product of abuse, or was I abused because he saw the girl in me? Certainly I was not a manly boy, I gravitated towards things girls did, and I carried myself as a girl. I liked being clean, didn't like bugs, wanted the wonder woman underoos, rather than Spider-Man. My daydreams about girls was being them. So, he had ample, confused, anger ammo with which to use against me. 

This genetic curse has ruled my life, it doesn't rule my dreams or my soul. I'm a woman, this flesh is what I have to wear, it doesn't tell me who I am. (My mantra against dark thoughts)

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Irrational or not, still upset

Mornings are mine, it's the only time I get. Yet my wife and now my adult son, who still hasn't found a job, is now up with me in the mornings. I know this would, under normal circumstances, but silly and unjustified. But it takes away any time, there is NO time for me now. I am upset and angry. It's more about our son than my wife, he seems to spend more time lounging around and enjoying the spoils of my hard work than he does anything else. So, my time is becoming my work, which isn't right, and I can't be who I am there, so not really my time at all. Am I being over-emotional? Perhaps, but I don't think so.

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Unusual Morning

Early mornings are mine, if you’ve read previous posts, you know. I like to wear clothes I feel normal in, a dress or some jeggings and a nice top. I check the mail, go for a walk if it isn’t too cold, just enjoy some “me” time. I don’t wear these when my wife is up, typically, because she isn’t up during that time. She sleeps in until our youngest goes to school, and by that time I am halfway to work. So, it hasn’t come up and she hasn’t asked about my clothes. She knows I have them, I have shown her what I buy when I buy them. So this morning was different. I had just taken a shower, and shaved (I HATE shaving my face so much) my legs and then my face. So I came out of the shower in a nice olive colored, low cut, sweater dress I just picked up a couple of days ago, to find my wife sitting on the couch in the living room. For a moment I was frozen, this situation hadn’t happened before, then I just entered the room and picked up my phone to check facebook. It turns out she had a toothache and had trouble sleeping, not a word was said about what I was wearing, which I kind of expected. We talked for a bit and I found that I had forgotten what I was wearing and almost got in my truck wearing my “not work” clothes. So, I ran back in and put on admittedly still girl, but harder to detect clothes. I hate having to check myself, but even if I changed right now, I would just be unemployed, so work clothes wouldn’t even be an issue, but living would.

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Molds, boxes and other containers

Fitting into the mold of someone else’ idea of what you should be is tiring. I’m me, I’m not you, I have my own beliefs and my own identity. I don’t have it all figured out and my mind isn’t made up about anything. I have lived a good part of a standard lifetime and my glass is still half-full, so there is still space to believe the impossible, to dream and to want more. I am a girl in my head, my body doesn’t fit the brain. You don’t have to believe it, I don’t require you to do anything at all for this to be a reality.

 

I hide what I hide, from whom I wish to hide it. I will come out to those I want to come out to, it’s my choice, no one else’s. I may not fit the idea of a transsexual for a lot of people, I may not behave how most wish I would. My life is determined, for better or worse, by me. I have made bad choices, I have regrets, but they are owned by me. And guess what? I will make bad choices again, hopefully not the same ones as before. 

 

I am a girl. I like ice cream and I don’t like cabbage. These are indisputable facts about me. I’m actually pretty simple if you take all the bullshit away.

Monday, December 7, 2015

Reasoning and understanding

It took me many years to understand why I became so flustered by pretty women. I was not stunned by their beauty, not all the time though there were times that happened. I was flustered in the same way any girl would when confronted with some one prettier, anyone with marginal self-esteem that is. I felt inadequate and very small. I felt it more since I was in this body, I was so unattractive to myself. It was, of course, always taken as I was shy around women, it wasn't the case. Even now, I get flustered around pretty girls. My mind whirls around with a combination of envy and melancholy. I don't feel that way about my wife, she is wonderful and beautiful and still wants to be with me. So she is the exception. Just feeling like a bit of honesty today. 

Friday, December 4, 2015

Bummed

I hate being depressed. I keep thinking to myself, "get over it, walk it off". But that never works. I'm an introvert, prone to introspection. Which is bad. I look back and get depressed that I didn't do things differently, or be a better person, or be the gender I should be. So I spend a lot of time compartmentalizing my thoughts and feelings. It holds for a while and then the levee breaks. I hate this body, I hope there is a soul so when I die I can leave this thing and be consciously free of it. I know it sounds shallow, but I just want to be pretty, I want to be loved, as me the real me not the man flesh I'm standing in now. It's amazing, not in a good way, how something as small as a chromosome has managed to bung up my entire life. Sorry now I'm just ranting.