Each day I have played a part, a role that was written for me even before my birth. Plans were made, hopes were raised and I was given the expectation of manhood as an unwanted mantle to wear. “Be a man!” “Don’t be a pussy!” “Get in front of the ball!” “You throw like a girl!” “Man up!” “Grow some balls!” Things yelled at me my entire childhood. I joined the military in some way of showing people I could be all the things I am not. I joined for the wrong reason. I lived my life for the wrong reason. It was all an act for the benefit of others, so that I could try to make others happy. I got to suffer, while others could go on with their lives unaffected and unchallenged.
But it doesn’t matter how well you act, how good your presentation is, there will always be a part of you that doesn’t quite live up to the role. My true nature bled through the façade, and not playing the role assigned you was dangerous at the least. Growing up, I was confused. My friends tended to be girls, as I identified with them most. I acted the part for my Dad, my mother and my friends. I lied at a professional level about who I was. I am tired of acting; I am weary of lying to everyone. Things are going to change, the curtain will close and the play will be over.
I talked to my wife today; we talked about the things I was afraid to speak out loud to her, for fear of her balking at the thought. She did not balk, she did not hesitate. I love her; she shows me every day why I placed my heart in her hands. (Figuratively) The plans I make are my plans, the hopes I have are now mine. I don’t want to live my life for other people. It’s only taken 40+ years to find the courage. I just want to be as me as it is possible to be.