My wife and I were talking about the current presidential race this morning, before I left for work. Mostly, it was about Trump, about whom neither of us are supporters. We agree on the politics, but it soon became apparent that we were heading into a different discussion. We both, support women’s rights and equality. And we cannot understand women or minorities who support a person so opposed to both. But where we differ is in what is happening at home. She understands logically that I am a woman, but as she says it sticks in her head that I am choosing to be a woman. That in this political climate it makes sense to be a man, she says she hates being a woman treated by men as if she is second class.
I can tell her that I am not choosing this, but it’s not about her knowing it’s about acceptance. It is taking some time for her to accept me or our son. Martin is FtM and my wife is still using the wrong pronouns and name, despite my using the correct ones. I think we are giving her time, I think we are trying not to rush her. But I can’t help but think she is holding on to the masks we wore (and I am forced to continue to wear 5 days a week) instead of the core of who we are. I have always been the sensitive, emotional and touchy-feely one in the relationship. This hasn’t changed, what has changed is that now when I hug her there are two pairs of breasts in the way and I smell lightly of flowers. When we kiss, I put my lipstick on her lips. That is what has changed between us so far. Eventually there will be changes in the sex.
What can change is her acceptance. She is good with homosexual, she herself is Bisexual. She is good with Drag queens and alternative lifestyles. But she is having trouble with her son and me. I know it is a lot, I understand that it’s double the coping because there are two of us. But Martin came out two years ago, and I told her a year and a half ago. I just want her to be ok with it, because I love her; I have loved her since we first met.
I know it’s up to her to be ok, I can’t make it happen. Doesn’t make it hurt any less to think that she doesn’t care for the real me, that she probably loves the mask more than me. Everyone wants to be loved for who they are, not for what everyone else sees. It’s unfair to her; I have these very high expectations of people, it’s something I am working on with therapy. I can’t do anything but wait I suppose, hope for the best. I am trying to normalize who I am, but things interrupt that. For instance, this weekend workers in a pickup were in the field next to our property. I wanted to go out and check on what they were doing. I hadn’t shaved my face, it was Sunday and I was feeling a bit depressed. I was dressed in an obviously woman’s shirt and pants. So, before going out, I changed those clothes with a man’s t-shirt and pants. This was, to me, an act of self-preservation (not getting beaten to death by the burly workmen) and to my wife, I suppose an act of putting on male privilege. So, perhaps my wife sees me as being a hypocrite or as not really wanting to be a woman. But women normally don’t have to shave their faces every single day, nor do they have to put on 5 pounds of makeup and a wig to look feminine. They don’t have to train their voices to fit their presentation. So when I did that, it was for me, self-preservation and not making my question to the workmen about me, but about what they were doing in the field.
I am guessing at her reactions on this, I don’t know how to read people. I am guessing that she feels I can just not be a woman. But I know what she tells me, that she still has the thoughts of why I would choose to be female. I can answer this way, though it’s not a choice, being female isn’t my problem; it’s that my body is male. I don’t have a choice on who I am.