Monday, December 12, 2016

Overthinking on a slow weekend

I keep a photo of myself as my phones wallpaper. The real me, staring back at me each time I open my phone, to remind me that this mask is temporary. I think also it is my way of shouting my independence, like wearing funny socks or underwear under a military uniform. During various times in the last couple of weeks, I have been able to dress how I like but I haven’t gone out. It’s too cold or not enough time to spend putting on cosmetics, of which I need in order to hide the shadow. The process is what gets me down, put on the cosmetics to hide the shadow, put on the hair to hide the other hair, put on the breasts to fill out the form. Sure, I like the end result, but I feel like I am hiding under a lot of fake to bring me out. At home, I am afraid to pull the wig off even if it is giving me a headache, the act itself almost like admitting that this is all somehow an illusion.Appearing foolish is my Achilles heel, not others pointing out my foolishness, my internal feelings of foolishness. I am my own worst enemy.

 

This weekend, I wanted to wear a nice shirt and leggings. I didn’t want to put on cosmetics, prosthetic breasts or wear a wig. I didn’t want to be made to feel that these things somehow make me more of a woman. I did have to shave, I hate facial hair, hate it. I was comfortable that day, inside my home, just lounging and watching movies with my wife and daughter. I would not have gone out like that, I want hair like my wig, I want actual breasts, I want to be pretty. I want to be seen as I feel on the inside. I also want to be like any other woman, to be a slob once in a while, to put on some loose clothes and just do nothing on a lazy day. This doesn’t stop me from feeling compelled to put everything on. I don’t want to wear any of the add ons, I want to already have long hair and breasts. I think that if I don’t do that, then my kids and my wife will think that I only want to be a woman part time, because they see me only wanting to wear all of this part time. I don’t know if any other MtF feel this way as well.

 

I really dislike that my wife (and other women) can just get out of bed and be slobs and still look beautiful and sexy. If I did that, I would look like a guy, exactly like a guy wearing an over-sized shirt and panties. It’s something I can typically ignore, compartmentalize, until I start over-thinking it later. Then the need for changing myself, HRT and surgeries, becomes amplified and I start worrying over how to pay for it all and how to be out of work that long, etc. I can seriously freak myself out with even the briefest of thoughts. I still have to lose weight. 

 

Through the process of living my life, on top of being transgender and not knowing how to deal with it, I went through a horrible divorce and custody battle that I lost. I gave up on life, I was at a very low point for almost 10 years I don’t think I lived at all, just existed in the barest fashion. I used books and food as a way to escape. I gained a lot of weight and a fairly large library. So, now I have to learn to eat normally and not give in to it as a comfort. I want to lose weight before I start on HRT, before I start going through surgeries. I’m not looking for supermodel lean, just lean for me. I am afraid that I am using the weight as an excuse though, something I can keep pointing to in order to not start another part of my life. As much as I want to be fully realized as a woman, I have this anger/resignation about not already being genetically female. How dare life hand me this insult, how dare God or fate or random genetic disposition hand me this biological deformity that I have to alter now? It is easy to see the circle of eating/depression that this situation creates. Don’t get me wrong, intellectually I know I have it pretty damn good for my situation, however emotionally it’s not easy to reconcile.

17 comments:

  1. Seems harder to loose when on HRT so do it. Do not wait to loose the facial hair and being yourself will rapidly get easier and your mood can lift. I wasted too much time and do not like to see others follow my example...

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    1. I am doing my best, but given the holidays and the expense, I don't have a lot I can do about facial hair at the moment. I have already found a place locally that can do both laser and electrolysis, just have to get the funds in line. On the weight, I am actively working on that as well. I hate being old, so much harder than when I was in my twenties, lol.

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    2. I thought I was crazy when I spent everything I could lay my hands on to loose facial hair, turns out it was the best decision ever and it is never too soon to start. I lost weight because I cut down on food bills to pay for it! Good luck.

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    3. If I were single or only married, I could probably get away with that. But, I have children and it becomes very hard for me to make them or my wife sacrifice so that I can be who I am. It's something I am working on, being able to be a little selfish so that I'm not just stuck in one place. I have priced everything out and then I get sick thinking about paying for it rather than paying for the roof to be repaired or for my daughter who is a cheerleader, to go to events. I find it so hard to reconcile putting money on myself when there are always other areas of my life that demand it.

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  2. Hi Beth. Although I have two very nice wigs and a couple of fillets, I have never felt right wearing them....another reason I rarely dress. I need everything to be real. Hair...breasts....a feminine body. And, what's below the belt is something that should not be part of me. I also hate, hate, hate body hair and shaving.

    I do believe I get what you're trying to say.

    Calie xx

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    1. Calie, that is spot on to what I was getting at. I wear them because they do make me more feminine, but I would so much rather they be the real thing.

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  3. Is it just me seeing this or is it true that the majority of those on this forum are complaining, (in one way or another), about wanting to be a woman, (you know...all that sexy stuff, the hair, the clothes, the shoes...), but not willing to makes those terrible sacrifices that actually go along with actually BEING one.

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    1. Well, "Anonymous", I am going to respond as if you aren't trolling, giving you the benefit of doubt. Because I can see you have put a lot of time and energy into understanding that this is a blog and not a forum, the differences of which I will leave to you and google to sort out. First, we ARE one, women that is. "We", being Me, are complaining that we aren't biologically correct. And while being sexy, (the hair, the clothes, the shoes) is certainly a part of it, the part you are basing the only post you have read apparently, there is much more to it than that. I will also leave that to you and google to sort out. The sacrifices are always being made, to get our bodies to fit with us actually BEING a female. You should take the time to not only read my posts, but other blogs as well. Look to my links and see that some really great people, (there are other types of Transgender, FtM,androgynous, multigendered, gender nonconforming, third gender, and two-spirit. Again, you/google) who sacrifice and have lost a great deal just to match their bodies with their minds, or in simply coming out to those they love, to family and friends. So, in conclusion, yes you are seeing me "complain" about, in the simplest terms, not being biologically female whilst being an actual woman. Truly though, I want you to take a moment and read the blog, then go and read other blogs. Try to understand why your simplistic statement, while having the smallest kernel of truth, is so far off from the last part of your compound sentence.

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  4. Ok...I will forgive your dripping condescension as an understandable defensive reaction to someone pointing out some obvious realities. As a matter of fact, I have read your blog and only commented upon it because I was struck by that portion of which was highlighted on T-Central. So please excuse my conflation of forum/blog. Is it not the case that both venues are open to commentary? Is that not the purpose of both, to put your ideas, thoughts, emotions, 'out there' for commentary?

    Anyway...this other blog posting also caught my attention for the reason that it seems to come pretty close to describing what I personally see as just some of the reasons, people like yourself seem to suffer so much.

    I will post your words and see if they are open for discussion. I am not a troll. At least I do not see myself as one, anymore than you might not see yourself as a man.

    "Thursday, March 3, 2016




    The Perception of Self



    We don't see ourselves as others see us. There is a filter that disregards the direct analysis of the sum of our parts. It takes incredible self-awareness, placidity and a healthy dose of humility to fully comprehend what we truly appear to be to other people. I don't have any of that. I live in a dream world, with enough fissures in my "reality" to make me worry.

    I don't see me until I look in the mirror, and even then I only focus on the feature I went to the mirror for. I don't look long and hard into the reflection. I can't stand the image that looks back at me, the man standing there when it should be a woman. When the mirror is absent, I am a woman, albeit a woman who has to pretend to be a man during work hours.

    Some may see this as a shallow existence, to only see the parts to never delve deeper. But this is only with my outer appearance, the shell that hides the me inside. I don't believe I am shallow, I plumb the depths of my mind, I am an introvert who looks hard at the person I am inside. Inside me, I am just a girl. It's uncomplicated at it's core, there is no penis, no testosterone, no machismo, but there are infinite lives of the female me in this mind.

    So, I don't see the reflection in the mirror, I don't acknowledge the lie of this shell. I avoid having photos taken of me. I am not comfortable having attention centered on me. This isn't me the photo is revealing, this isn't a guy you are looking at."

    Oh and BTW....I do most certainly understand your pain. And if a name might help, you can call me Georgina

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    1. You weren't pointing out realities, that would imply you knew me well enough to comment on the reality of my situation. My own mother doesn't know me that well, so safe to say, not reality.

      A forum is a community that allows for the posting of messages and ideas. A blog is owned by the person who writes it, comments are allowed or suspended by that person, these comments can be forced to go through the owner before being public. You are forgiven for not understanding, aside from whatever I may be dripping you still gained knowledge from it, so I say we are square.

      The difference between my being a woman and your being a troll on a blog is again, you have a choice and I do not. I find it strange that you want to intimate yourself as a trans? or an ally or just trans-curious but yet you don't get a key point of being trans. It could be that you don't fully understand yourself, that this is new or perhaps you haven't put much thought into what it means. I don't know the first thing about you, except that your statements lead one to believe that you think choice is involved in being trans.

      BTW - Copying my words, from a previous post is odd, you can comment on the post itself if you like. (This isn't meant in a sarcastic tone, just pointing it out)

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  5. So my point of reference matters? Why?

    A 'reality', chosen at random from your words..."I live in a dream world, with enough fissures in my "reality" to make me worry." What is it you worry about?
    You live in a dream world. Is this a reality or just your description of it?

    "There is a filter that disregards the direct analysis of the sum of our parts." Is this your filter that you superimpose upon the reality around you, or are you presuming to include the rest of us in this personal disregard of the "sum of your parts"?

    Really not trying to be a troll here as much as you would like me to be, just asking you to confront and examine your own declarations.

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    1. Sigh, I suppose it doesn't. It's just odd to comment on a post from another post. Let's not suppose that in the year or so that I may have posted it that I have not changed or grown, like a tv show character that never leaves high school for 12 seasons. Ok, my reality is like everyone's, we always make it up. My mind sees what it wants to, so does anyone's, our realities are perception based. The worry was about noticing the male body reflected back at me in the mirror. Once your perception is altered, it becomes a part of your reality. Like a child who realized their parents are flawed human beings.

      Everyone has filters, this was a commentary on the mind. We ignore what doesn't fit, this is a fact. The mind tries to wipe away what shouldn't be. There was a study in which a man in a gorilla suit walked through several frames of film and though he was present, the majority of people watching never saw him.

      You are asking me to confront my own words, the words of a person who over-thinks everything. You think I haven't already thought about every angle, every possible route this conversation with my own words could take. You are essentially wanting me to confront myself, but I already do that on a daily basis.

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  6. Much like a mutual friend, Calie, I understand your dysphoria. I do not deny that it is real, nor am I asserting that you enjoy the privilege of choice.

    Nevertheless, the issue you have described is real. It causes real pain and discomfort for thousands just like you even though "everyone is different".

    You say: "I really dislike that my wife (and other women) can just get out of bed and be slobs and still look beautiful and sexy. If I did that, I would look like a guy, exactly like a guy wearing an over-sized shirt and panties. It’s something I can typically ignore, compartmentalize, until I start over-thinking it later. Then the need for changing myself, HRT and surgeries, becomes amplified and I start worrying over how to pay for it all and how to be out of work that long, etc. I can seriously freak myself out with even the briefest of thoughts."

    I guess what I am saying is that what you call 'ignoring', or 'compartmentalizing', might also be described as denial.

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    1. It may be denial, for someone. The question would be denial of what? I'm not in denial of what I am, I am trans and I am dealing with it. According to the therapist I decided to see, who doesn't even see why I am going to her, I am handling things perfectly well.

      The "denial" is that I'm... in a bloody male body. There is no subtext here, I was pretty open about that. It's nice to not have to think about the fact that I have a male body, hence the compartmentalization. Also, just in point of fact, denial is the refusal to see reality, the compartmentalization is a way to ignore parts of a reality though you know they are there.

      You aren't a troll. You just don't realize the questions you are asking are from the shallow end of the pool. That isn't an insult, you don't know me well enough to ask questions I don't already have answers to, because they run ceaselessly through my mind all the time. You want to know my failing? It's just that, over-thinking every aspect of my life to the point of paralysis. However, I have actually moved forward in this part of my life, am moving forward and taking steps to complete who I am. This will be done in my timeline and no one else's. I have family obligations and money considerations so I will go at the pace I need. I can still complain about it, as is my choice.

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  7. "I'm not in denial of what I am, I am trans and I am dealing with it."

    So this seems like a good evolution from your original assertion that you are a woman, despite unassailable evidence to the contrary. If I were your therapist, I would see that as progress. However, the following is troublesome as it seems to be a direct contradiction of the above: "The "denial" is that I'm... in a bloody male body" Am I misreading this, or are you denying that you are in a male body?
    My guess is that you are using compartmentalization as a way to ignore parts of a reality that you just don't like even though you know they exist; IE you are in fact male, not female.
    The problem I see is that by relating or reacting to this "compartmentalized reality", you are in fact not dealing with actual reality. You are ignoring it.
    I understand your argument that this is a defensive measure that allows you to exist or function better, or as a means to deal or cope with your dysphoria, but I question if the avoidance of reality, or compartmentalization, if you prefer, is the most efficacious means.

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  8. This is a great post, Beth. I get it! So many thoughts. But your recognition of balance (not placing financial burden on family for your goals) just makes me want to hug you. And, you made me laugh with us looking in morning like guys in oversize t-shirts and panties (fortunately I'm a medium, but it is SO fitting :) ).. Sara

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    1. Sara, recently (and the reason I started the "Cost of being you" series) I went to price laser hair removal. Unfortunately it costs far too much right now. I will get there, just not at the moment.

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