Friday, January 29, 2016

Hot for Teacher

I was up early as usual, as is typical, around 4:30am. On Monday’s and Friday’s I do the full shaving regiment, this Friday was no different. And as I have been doing for a while now, I put on clothing that makes me feel good. The unusual part is that now I don’t bother taking it all off when my wife gets up. I used to hide it, then when I came out to her, I would make sure to have it all off before she was up and around. Now, I leave it on. Only taking it off to put my boy-mode work clothes on. My wife woke up a bit later than usual and she was in the living room when I came back inside. I was in a little black dress, and a purple sweater jacket, as I had gone out to check the mail. We talked a bit and she went to get ready, while I made some tea.

 

As I was making the tea, she called me into the bathroom. She started showing me the different parts of makeup, and the reasons for using them. This wasn’t asked of her, I go out of my way not to ask her to teach me things. I’ve seen and heard of this going wrong, the wife doesn’t want to teach her husband the things she learned as a little girl. However, she was really into it, showing me the different parts and suggesting what would work for me. I was not only very touched and grateful, but I was incredibly aroused! I don’t know where that came from. I don’t get that way when I wear dresses, it’s not about sexual arousal. The most I get is excited about a new dress. I do feel sexy sometimes, but not full on aroused. Just a strange thing to happen, but I put it up to being already attracted to my wife and then feeling even closer to her during this makeup training session. 

 

I’m looking forward to this journey now, in spite of my misgivings and the many obstacles. I went to the store and bought some basic makeup today at lunch, of course I bought my wife some as well. 

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Closing Act

Each day I have played a part, a role that was written for me even before my birth. Plans were made, hopes were raised and I was given the expectation of manhood as an unwanted mantle to wear. “Be a man!” “Don’t be a pussy!”  “Get in front of the ball!”  “You throw like a girl!”  “Man up!” “Grow some balls!” Things yelled at me my entire childhood. I joined the military in some way of showing people I could be all the things I am not. I joined for the wrong reason. I lived my life for the wrong reason. It was all an act for the benefit of others, so that I could try to make others happy. I got to suffer, while others could go on with their lives unaffected and unchallenged.

 

But it doesn’t matter how well you act, how good your presentation is, there will always be a part of you that doesn’t quite live up to the role. My true nature bled through the fa├žade, and not playing the role assigned you was dangerous at the least. Growing up, I was confused. My friends tended to be girls, as I identified with them most. I acted the part for my Dad, my mother and my friends. I lied at a professional level about who I was. I am tired of acting; I am weary of lying to everyone. Things are going to change, the curtain will close and the play will be over. 

 

I talked to my wife today; we talked about the things I was afraid to speak out loud to her, for fear of her balking at the thought. She did not balk, she did not hesitate. I love her; she shows me every day why I placed my heart in her hands. (Figuratively) The plans I make are my plans, the hopes I have are now mine. I don’t want to live my life for other people. It’s only taken 40+ years to find the courage. I just want to be as me as it is possible to be.

Saturday, January 23, 2016

Out on display

So, I don't know if I have mentioned this, but I have never worn my dresses in front of my wife in the light of day. Until now!

Yesterday morning, it was a snowy day and we were all home due to the weather. I was up early, thinking I would have to be at work soon. I always put on a dress in the morning, something I would wear to work. It helps ease the pain of being in boy mode when I actually go to work. But, I called in since I couldn't even see my car from the back porch. So I didn't bother taking the dress off.

I heard my wife getting up in the bedroom, I keep a t-shirt near me in case the kids or the wife get up early. (I'm not sure how a t-shirt and panties are better than a dress if they were to walk in) This time, I just didn't. She came in and I was sitting there in my dress and she sat down and checked her social media on her iphone (typical morning). I didn't feel odd or uncomfortable, none of the things I thought I would feel wearing something undeniably girl in front of her. We sat and talked just how we always did. I didn't detect anything in her manner, which I was hyper-aware of, in case she was uncomfortable. She isn't a morning person, but I know she was aware of the way I was dressed. I made tea in the kitchen and sat back down, talking to her about our plans for the day. It was an incredibly nice moment for me.

This moment gives me courage that I can perhaps do this, I can finally start making some progress on my feminization and start being more me. My wife gives me hope, that is a very big gift.

Also, in that vein, she wants to do yoga with me! I'm just really starting to love the new year.

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

My wife

So, I am never really sure what she is thinking about my coming out as transgender. There are times where I am pretty certain she isn't having it. And there are times where she seems very supportive. I think it depends on my mood as to what I will imagine.

However, a couple of nights ago she had brought a lot of clothes home from her mothers and was going through them. She picked out some very cute dresses and skirts and was showing them to me. She had mentioned that if she didn't want something she would turn them in to her college which collects clothes for women to wear to work. I didn't say anything, feeling a bit left out. I dreamed that night about my asking her if I could go through them and she freaked out and yelled and cried. I don't care for my dreams sometimes. So I didn't say anything that next morning. Later in the day we were talking on the phone and I decided to ask, very afraid of the answer. She said that she had decided to keep them all, but that we could share them. Share! I was not expecting that. I cried for a bit at work.

Saturday, January 9, 2016

Drive

So this morning I took a drive. I drove as me, no boy mode back up or something that could approximate boy. I wore my wig, an olive knit short dress and my favorite ballet slippers. I didn't have on makeup, still haven't gotten that yet. But I am newly shaven and I was feeling very feminine.

I walked out to my car, the neighbors were out, but they would have no idea who I was with my wig on, so I was comfortable. I did the sexy, butt in, then swivel the legs in I had seen done so many times, and that was very cool. Then something wonderful happened. I drove to the store, which is several miles away, and I got out of my car and stood in the parking lot. I just stood there, beside my car. I felt normal. I didn't feel like I was getting away with something. I felt like I should go in a shop. Of course, I wasn't delusional, I wasn't going in with no makeup and that early in the morning. But it was nice to just feel like I wouldn't have a problem otherwise.

I enjoyed the drive, with the window cracked to feel the wind moving my hair. Listening to music and just enjoying being me.

Friday, January 1, 2016

Behind and Ahead

It's been a crazy year, right up to the end. New house, we moved and then moved our oldest back, and moved her parents three times (different apartments/houses). New job, I am officially an IT manager for a new company today, after spending the last three months working non-stop to close our old facility and move it to a new one, which still hasn't ended technically. I finally told someone, my now wife, the truth about me, the one thing I could not ever bring up to anyone. I am a woman trapped within this body, I am transgender and have been since living memory. It was also the year that I got married to the woman I have loved for over 20 years, since I met her long ago and she was 19.

So, I don't like new years resolutions. They give an unrealistic expectation of what is to come, like you can control that. Instead I am going to say what I would like to happen, what I would like to work towards, whether it happens or not will be up to me, fate, and circumstance.

I want to transition. Well, I don't want to, I want to just be the girl I am inside, but I want to transition since magically changing doesn't seem to be working.

I want to lose weight, again. I was trim in my youth, I was trim not too long ago as well, but I let depression take over and found all sorts of excuses for not exercising. I want to be pretty, think me shallow if you wish, but I want to be found attractive and not foolish. I want to look in the mirror and cry only because I am not a woman and not because I am not a woman and I look and feel horrible.

I want to come out to everyone. Tall order. Lots of moving parts. A lot of pain to ask for. I hate not sharing this with my best friend, I feel I am lying to him all the time, the sin of omission. I hate lying to anyone. I am good at it, I think, but it makes me feel horrible. I have been feeling this way for a long time now. Why should they care about what gender I am? Shouldn't they be happy that I am dressing far nicer than I ever did in boy mode?

And lastly, I want to be a better parent to my children and a better spouse to my wife. Don't get me wrong, I am pretty good already, but I have raised the bar a bit and I like to excel. :)

I hope that all of your hopes and dreams in the new year come to fruition. That you are able to hold on to the moments of happiness that get you through tragedy and pain. I hope for you, peace and understanding, joy and love.

I wish for you so much.

That you find yourself,
if you find that you are lost.

That change happens,
if change is what you wish.

That hope is kept,
when all you have is hope.

That you remember, pronouns are not the answer to your well being. That words don't define you and approval of others is something earned and not given. That you remember that though we have not met, we are kindred, so you have family no matter how distant.

Go into the new year and live with hope and perhaps a new resolution. Have faith in yourself.