Saturday, April 30, 2016
The Lowes person who came out to do the quote laughed about my guess and he also noted that he too felt awkward and uncomfortable from the neighbors as he was doing the quote. So glad it isn't just me. The people at Lowes were very good and very conscientious. I am sure I could have found the fencing and labor cheaper, but with Lowes I got a year warranty on parts and service, so that is ok. Enough with the advert, the contractors came out and installed the fence. Unlike the other services from lowes, these contractors were slow. There were two guys, the slightly older, chunky one was too involved talking on his phone and going to other job sites. While the younger, kind of hot guy did most of the work, but alone it is ponderous and drags at a snails pace. The one in charge kept promising me it would be done in two days, on day two he promised that it would be done that day. On the third day he promised me that it would be done that day, but that I should expect three days to put up a fence this long. I told him that had I never been told, by him, that he would be done in two days no problem, then I would have indeed had no problem with a three day time line. They were slow, but it was done in three days and now I have my fence!
My daughter, who avoided the yard all last year because of the creepy neighbors and their dogs, is now comfortable going out and laying a blanket on the lawn to read or snapchat, whatever kids do now. And I can wear what I wish and not have to worry about the neighbors clocking me, they are very avid watchers of us. Hence Fence.
I am able to do yard work and just enjoy the outside, dressed in whatever I wish. Eventually, I will be me full time, that is the plan. The fence helps with mediating my needs versus my fears. We can even get no tanline tans if we want, without fear of being ogled by the people next door. I don't even like tanning, but may do it just because I can.
Wednesday, April 27, 2016
There are times where social media is magnanimous and gracious, in the case of HB2 for NC, this has been the case, mostly. People have rallied, not just LGBT, but Cis as well. It is a good feeling that we aren’t forgotten, that we aren’t left to fend for ourselves. There are truly good people in the world and to a point it gives one hope that things will change. However, my heart always drops when I see the comments that attach themselves like leeches. Angry, heartless comments from cis men and women, who are sure that we are only wearing dresses to be “special” or to get into bathrooms to be perverts. They are vile, senseless comments, designed to make the reader who is trans, feel exactly how I feel. I feel attacked and it adds yet another reason not to be out in public, for fear of meeting one of these pillars of the community. In short, I feel terrorized, in a most profound way.
I don’t know how this kind of hate is generated in a person. I don’t understand why who I am is a problem for anyone else. What is more, these people feel no chagrin, no remorse about the words they use. They feel justified in their hate, even righteous. I was reminded at one point, of a time, not too long ago when a larger group of people were told they could not eat in certain restaurants, drink from public water fountains, or allowed in certain schools. A burning cross, with those around it celebrating over the pain and anguish of those they victimized, is not far off from what we face now. We have been murdered, raped, treated as animals, as less than human. We are unprotected, easy targets, with even the police looking the other way when attacks happen.
This treatment is based in fear, we are what they don’t understand, and we can’t make them understand. We can’t force them to be insightful, to look within themselves, they only see the threat, they only see that we represent to them a fracture in the bedrock of their paradigm. It is far easier to attack than to understand, reply in anger rather than with love.
I have weeded out a lot of facebook “friends”, I have always been strict about who I allowed access to my page anyway. Not everyone has to agree with me, they don’t have to like what I say, but if they want to remain on my page, they will not reply with vile garbage. And if they post ignorant, mean posts about others who are different, I have every right to unfriend them, and I exercise that right with no mercy. I wonder if I encounter this now, how it will be later. How will it be when I am their active target, when I am out? I don’t mind losing facebook friends, I just don’t want to read their comments about me. Like I don’t already know I have a man’s body, like I don’t know that I will never be a “real” woman, physically. I am already imagining the worst and that is the point. They terrorize with their hate and we are left imagining the worst. It leaves little good for us to imagine, little peace in our choices.
Sunday, April 24, 2016
I am a geek. I'm not just an IT nerd, but also a D&D playing, dice carrying, know all the rules since "Chainmail" was the book, Joss Whedon based podcast co-host, comic book reading - Geek.
Not the best place for a male-bodied female to grow, but not the worst either. In many ways, being a geek has the same demands as being a sports jock. You have to be male or you won't be taken seriously, your opinions won't matter. If you are different, you are shunned for the most part. Many of my D&D groups were entirely male, with very few even casual female players stepping in. Playing female characters were not encouraged, mostly because they were mis-represented in game. (female elf that hangs out in her underwear, trying to get the rest of the party to sleep with her? really?) They were not people, but pin-ups to be used by the group. Some kind of sexual wish fulfillment from a male gamer with little grasp of the finer details of being a woman adventurer.
I always avoided playing a woman, because I didn't want to out myself to my groups. I felt as if by my playing a woman accurately, they may see what I am. So, in my gaming career I have only ever played two women, and both times I was acutely aware of the spot I was putting myself in, luckily it's never as bad in real life as it is in your head. I never outed myself, it just felt that way.
Female friends, and some girlfriends/wives would try to enter the game, but they were treated in one of two ways, I am sure unknowingly by the guys in the group. One, like they were mentally challenged, everything over-explained in a patronizing slow speak kind of way. Or, like they were about to be raped, heavy handed sexual references in game to their characters, hitting on the other group members girlfriend/wife through the characters, etc. So, yeah hard to break into these groups if you are a woman, and not really a place I would open myself up, being MtF.
The cons are worse, far worse. There is no control, no way of knowing which group will be cool or assholes during the games, it's all random. My roommate (best friend) and I brought in one of our female friends to the Midsouth Con, in Memphis. She had never been to a con and I thought a smaller one would be a more casual way of introducing her to Cons. She is a petite redhead, very pretty, but also very smart and sure of herself. So of course the people there were attracted to her. Cos-play people were coming up to her (in regular clothes) to get photos with her, it was getting to the point of her feeling uncomfortable, I think. So we both played her bodyguards, shunting the more aggressive men away from her. She did have a good time, but that was more due to her being a genuinely good and kind person than anything the con-goers did. She could find the bright side of the dark side of the moon.
So, I co-hosted a podcast based on the works of Joss Whedon. Firefly, BtVS, Angel, Dollhouse (not my favorite show), etc. This was before he started the Marvel movies, so he was not really well known outside geek circles. I co-hosted and produced and directed this podcast, and I was doing this with my best friend and roommate, so I was very happy. We did fun yet informative podcasts, never taking ourselves too seriously, and to some listeners, not seriously enough. I think I brought a more feminine point of view to the show, though I was careful not to out myself to my friend of the audience. Despite being a closet transgender woman, it was some of the best times of my life.
Being a MtF geeks means that when you are gaming and playing a girl, the wish fulfillment is that you wish you were physically the girl you imagine, that the other players would see you as that girl for just a little while. Even now, not having a gaming group, as we all moved away to other parts of the country, I found that MMORPGs can fulfill some of those needs. I game on SWOTR, and used to game on WOW/Dark Age of camelot, and more. But when I do, they are female characters, meticulously crafted into what I would want to be (in the case of some of these games, what I want to be if I was an elf or dark elf, etc). It made it awkward when gaming with others, using voice instead of typing your conversations, it brought me out of the fantasy, to hear my semi-deep male voice. I would often claim my microphone wasn't working so I could avoid using my voice at all. Even today, I play SWOTR solo, just to live the storylines as a female.
So there you have it, a little insight into a world I hadn't previously shared.
Sunday, April 17, 2016
Clothes don't have gender, they are clothes; pieces of fabric sown together to create something that will cover body parts. When I put on a dress, I am putting on a piece of fabric. When I put on a t-shirt, it's the same bloody thing, just shorter. I feel more feminine in the dress. So the labels that are attributed to different articles of clothing are something we created over time. It was used as a sort of power over women, you can't wear pants, you must wear dresses. But also, ultimately limited the very men who wielded that power. Now men must wear pants. So if you have the body of a man, then you must wear pants. So I wear womens pants. That will show them.
I feel more feminine because I am a construct of the society in which I was cultivated. Dresses and halter tops for girls. Jeans and ties for boys, though hopefully not at the same time. Even without those clothes, I would be a woman on the inside. I would have no way of expressing who I am, no way to show that this person you are looking at isn't me.
What I don't understand is why it brings such hate to others. That man is wearing a dress, how dare he, we should beat him to death for trying to be something he biologically isn't. We feel tricked, for a second I wanted to have sex with a man who appeared to be a woman. Anger face, Argh, let's kill what we don't understand. Not a rational, well that person must be either transgender or perhaps transvestite. Let's just assume that this person is wearing a dress and wig for a reason and move on with our days. I mean, that persons act hasn't impacted anything in my world, my paradigm isn't so fragile as to come crumbling down because I see a male body in a skirt. I can't ever visit Scotland if that is the case. Scotland, land of the paradigm crumblers, and yet still very macho, don't get me wrong.
I'm not ignoring the FtM, let's beat this biological woman to death because she chose to wear pants and stuff a sock down her pants. We don't want her stealing our women, or confusing us. That must mean that I can beat her for realsies. And I have the option of raping her and still remaining straight, while getting to fuck a kind of guy, you know to teach her a lesson.
The tragedy is that if you spend your time hating someone for how they appear, or how they challenge your sexual orientation, then you are missing out on some very kind, good people in your lives. All because you think dresses are for girls and pants are for boys, that sexual orientation is the same as sexual identity, and that having been born with or without a penis defines you.
I realize, as I end this, that I am preaching to the choir. And that possibly I have just laid out the plots to a couple of late 80s, early 90s movies.
Friday, April 15, 2016
I am a middle aged (hedging my bets) woman, trapped in a mans body. I work in a place that is actively intolerant of anyone different, all due to a few senior managers. That place in which I work also requires me to occasionally get completely undressed and go into a separate room to put on clean room clothing. My mom has level 4 lung cancer that she has defeated for 15 years, but now it is winning fast. I'm not going to put my mom through my problems. I get to watch every woman being women and here I am in a male meat suit. No reason to be a little edgy, right?
My life has been about suppressing and hiding. And something I wrote yesterday kind of stuck with me. I'm not an outgoing personality, nor am I quirky. I am an introvert and somewhat emotionally needy, and that doesn't seem to work for being out in the open.
I am much more like Kim in "Different for Girls". I am shy and I don't want to be outspoken. I just want to be me. That paints me as a wallflower, perhaps I am, I'm not outgoing. I see other blogs where they are going out to clubs or having meetings in which they can talk to one another, and I am in awe of their ability to do that. I actively avoid social situations, which may be a result of not being able to be who I am. Same reason I avoid having photos taken of me. What I see when I think of me, is vastly different than what others see.
So, angry, yes? Now I am just a bit down, the anger is gone for now.
Thursday, April 14, 2016
I hate that I am biologically a man. I hate being transgender. I hate having to deal with any of this, to feel this way, to feel so wrong. I put a tremendous amount of energy into hiding what I am, who I am. And I don’t like doing it at all. I hate that what I am is so repugnant, so unacceptable, that I have to hide almost everything about me. To hide it from people I care about for fear that they won’t accept me as I am. Imagine that you had to not only play the part of something you aren’t, but your body was a costume you can’t ever take off.
I just want to not be this anymore. I didn’t choose this, I hate it.
Monday, April 11, 2016
I am mentally preparing myself. I am trying to physically prepare myself. I am already making changes to my home.
(Let me explain the home changes first) I live in a very small part of a very small town. This means that the one neighbor I have is not only close-minded, but fully in support of the Christian right without ever stepping foot in a church. So, to that end I have decided to alter our landscape a bit. I am, at this moment, having a privacy fence installed separating our properties. They are also dodgy neighbors, so a fence is called for in any circumstance. The privacy part means I don’t have to wear gender neutral or men’s clothes while I do yard work, which is a bonus! Also, I have a little girl who likes to sunbathe and she felt weird last summer with the neighbors sitting on their porch watching her.
The Physical preparation is that I am working out and eating healthy. I am trying to not only lose weight I needed to lose regardless; I am trying to feel better. I have a treadmill and I am starting to use my yoga mat for actual yoga. My son, Martin, is in very good shape so I am hopeful that he will give me pointers and encouragement. And yes, I want to look good in the clothes I will be wearing.
I grew up in a small town in Missouri. I had very little opportunity to be who I actually was. I had moments, wearing my little sisters’ clothes, or wearing my stepmothers’ clothes. I would be able to spend an hour or so feeling feminine, before having to take them off and put the boys’ clothes I was allowed to wear back on. I was attracted to girls, but also to a few boys. I was a girl in a boy’s body; it was all very confusing for me. So if I didn’t understand it, how could anyone else? How could I exist in a small town like that? Yet here I am again, in another small town. Now I have the ravages of testosterone to live down, which will never go away. I am going to get clocked, no matter what I do or the surgeries I have done. I don’t have the personality to pull off being the eccentric transgender, I don’t have the grace to be the lady above it all. It’s going to be tough and mostly not fun, but I will get to be a version of me, that is better than nothing at all.
I'm actually more worried about what all this is doing to my wife. She supports me, but in a "whatever you feel you need to do" kind of way. I don't expect her to be excited, I'm not sure what I expect. She likes drag queens and gay men, she thinks they are awesome. I feel as if it would have been better for her if I had just been a gay man, more easily accepted. Again this is just the feeling I have and it's entirely possible that I am completely wrong in this assumption. Since I have come out to her, our sex life has been going down to a slow crawl. Of course it's never been a frenzy pace. I feel like she isn't attracted to me, that despite her assertions that she is bi-sexual it doesn't extend to transgender. We are certainly having a lot less sex. Though she didn't seem to mind sex while I was wearing a nightgown, it wasn't planned, one of those early morning, delicious slow sex things, and I wear a nightgown most nights. I don't know, she could be stressed, tired or tired and stressed etc.
Ok so jumping past that, I had something peculiar happen the other day. I was looking at some porn on Reddit, yes porn, I like looking at women to see body types and breasts I would like. Yes I also look at cocks, that isn't for research, just for fun. Anyway, I am looking at porn, in the very early morning, wearing a tight pair of panties in place of a gaff. Well I reached down and to my surprise, I had ejaculated. I wasn't hard at all, my penis was retracted into me, which I prefer to tucking, as it feels more comfortable. It was very odd, I have no problems getting erect. In fact it's damn annoying how often I get hard. Makes it very uncomfortable when I am tucked. So now I have shared too much, right? Well it would be nice to know how or why this happened in this way. I'm not worried, I'm actually kind of glad. I felt like I was aroused without my penis really being a factor, more of an emotional orgasm.
I want to start HRT, I have to do something, even if I have to travel out of town to meet with a therapist. Things have to change, very soon.
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
So, I was able to tell my son and my wife, who I am. Who I really am and not the façade they are seeing before them. I have another son and a daughter that need to be told. He is 22 and already deals with the issue from Martin, so that should not be a problem. I have to wait a bit for our daughter to get through puberty a bit more, to acclimate to the issues already before her. I don’t want to wait, I want to do it now, but I have to give her time.
I have read many things about transition, but one sticks with me. If you do this, you must be prepared to lose your work and your home, your family and your friends. I think that I have a secure enough family that I won’t lose most of them, perhaps one of my brothers. Of friends, there aren’t that many to be honest, but almost all of the ones I have are no strangers to alternative lifestyles, so I’m not sure this will be a lot different, or perhaps I am just being hopeful.
My work? Yeah, I will lose that, most assuredly. Or at least I will be treated so badly, so horribly that I couldn’t possibly work there. But I live in an “at-will” state, so most likely I will be let go immediately. I will have to think on that one, what my plan is when this happens. Worst case scenario. My home?It’s a possibility; I have to pay a mortgage. I only have one neighbor and we are putting up a privacy fence this week. So, it only comes down to the job situation and continuing to pay my mortgage.
Not a lot of reasons I can see to not do it, though I think I will decline full transition. I think I would like to go all the way up to an orchiectomy, and stop at that point. I want to stop completely the testosterone. I have a lot of planning and not really a lot of time. I am old, only getting older and I am tired of waiting for magic to happen or suppressing who I am for other people.
Sunday, April 3, 2016
Anyway, I explained how I had to hide, that I have always been this other person. That the makeup in the bathroom is mine, and all those Amazon packages, those are dresses, panties, wigs, etc. I told him that my focus is making sure that he never has to hide who he is. I want him to just be who he is without fear.
I am still feeling a lot of emotions, but mostly I am just relieved. Now I have two more to go, I have to time these out. It's more important to be a patient parent, to make sure I am not overloading them with things. Our 13 year old will be last, only because she has enough to be getting on with. Puberty and school, I will give her some time to adjust to her own issues before I hit her with my issues.
More to come, I have weekend things going on and a lot of feels in the works. I'm so glad I came out to my son!