Friday, May 20, 2016
Also, I finally get cable internet access on Monday! Being IT and having to deal with DSL is like, killing my id. So finally I can download porn at a reasonable rate, not that I download porn, you can just browse it. We are all happy, as we all like to watch TV and movies through streaming, and with DSL this is a very extended endeavor.
Our older son, Alex, who as you know has been living with us and not doing anything is finally going to move out to his other grandmothers who lives in south carolina. She thinks we are being to hard on the 22 year old, that he is trying to find a job and not getting so much as a call back because of bad luck or the color orange, or some other nonsense other than he is lazy and needs to have to face real hunger or being uncomfortably homeless. So, she is welcome to him. She will learn and he will continue being disappointing to us. Which is sad and I will start crying again. He doesn't know about me because he isn't mature enough, not his own person enough to handle this without it becoming another reason for him to not engage in life.
Once Alex is out, I plan on telling our daughter about me. I am hopeful that she will take it as a good thing and not a bad. I don't know with her, she has a liberal streak in her that comes from being a cis girl who is beautiful and popular and only having to deal with her friends who are jealous of each other being her friend. Such a hard life she leads. I hope she understands, I hope she still loves me. I don't want to stop being the person she reaches for when she needs a hug or comfort. It's going to be scary for me, and I was in combat. Life doesn't play favorites or fair, I have the body I have and I had no control over it. I hope she sees that. She has already had a tough time dealing with Martin coming out, twice.
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
I had always worn clothes that made me feel feminine, but it was restricted to inside my room or as a teenager, in my house or yard but only very very close to the door. I was very afraid of being seen, but I wanted to just feel the air on my skin, to for a moment pretend I wasn't in this body. So, this night I stepped out. I was living with my friends, both of who worked nights so they weren't home. The fog had rolled in and the neighborhood was a quite suburb. I put on the sexiest little black dress that my wonderfully sexy ex-girlfriend had left in my closet after a very long New Years Eve party. I put on a pair of fishnet stockings that I had bought for my (enter excuse here) at an adult store. I had to wear a pair of my combat boots, and I borrowed one of my roommates (female) black leather jacket. I tried my best to style my hair, I am sure it was horrible, but I tried to use it to hide the distinct lack of makeup. I did have lipstick, really bad lipstick left behind by same ex-girlfriend, and violently red. So I inexpertly put the lipstick on and teased my hair like I was going to a hair-band concert in New Jersey. I had a bra, but after finding I could stuff toilet paper directly into the dress and it held up, I decided not to use the bra.
I nervously stepped out of the back door, where I could walk around the yard and ease out into the street light areas. The fog was just thick enough to diffuse the people 5 feet or more away, but not enough to keep me from knowing exactly where everyone was to keep them far enough away. Perfect. I walked around the neighborhood, only one or two people out and they were in their garages not worrying about the girl walking down the sidewalk. I branched out after a while, walking into the adjacent neighborhood. The fog stayed, cloaking me just enough. I practiced my walk, in combat boots it's not so easy, trying to be sexy without going overboard, swaying my hips just enough.
At one point, a group of boys, younger than me, walked down the street on the other side. It seemed like the road shrank, like I was too close to them. They were talking and laughing as they walked, a few of them did yell my way. I know, yelling "hey baby" is stupid and would never work, but I felt so good hearing it. Pathetic right? I don't care, my heart was racing and I almost ran, but I forced myself to keep walking and I felt great. I didn't encounter anyone else that night, I walked back to my house and wore the dress and stockings to bed. I wanted my dream to have my outfit in it. I felt so good that night and it wasn't until today, reading a post from itsallaboutmylucy about hair, that triggered my memory of that first night out. How could I have ever forgotten that night?
Saturday, May 14, 2016
Each morning, when I have to change into my male work clothes or on the weekend when the kids will get up and I have to change, I hate myself for changing. It's like each time is life declaring that I am a man, and that really hits me hard.
Let me be clear, there is no way in hell I am going to ruin her day with my issues. I don't care for groups of people, even those I know well. I'm not going to let that be an issue today either. I am writing on here, not acting out there. I just want to go to her graduation as her wife and enjoy the people at the party as the proud female partner. I'm so sad right now, but I'll swallow it and compartmentalize. It's not ideal, but my life has been a lot of "it is what it is" situations and I don't have a choice but to deal with it.
I know it's the sad-sack thing that makes some of my posts hard to read. Again, this is one side of my life you are seeing. I don't share everything on here, just mostly what pertains to this facet of my life. My life isn't horrible, it's actually pretty good. I am prone to caution and solemnness, so it can seem like I don't enjoy my life. I don't know if I would be a different person had I lived it as a biological woman, I just know I would have been a happier person overall.
Ok, now I am rambling again. I have to go help put up decorations before we go to the ceremony, so I will bid you adieu for now.
Thursday, May 12, 2016
I don’t often get to be outside in the sun, just being me. This is because I have not come out to two of the children, one of which is an adult. I want to give my daughter some time through puberty and I am dealing with our adult son, who is completely without ambition and with whom we may very well have to kick out of the house. So, last weekend, when I was able to not only be outside in a cute dress and nice hair, but also spend time on the phone with my Mom, it was the closest to joy I can possibly get in this situation.
Since the children always sleep late on the weekends, I felt no pressure to come in and change my clothes or hide who I am. I was up early, at 4:30am and went outside, which was a nice 65 degrees. (I have always been a winter person. In the winter, layers of clothes hide you. But since coming out to my wife, I find that I love the spring/summer now, completely changed my outlook.) So, I sat in one of the chairs on the patio, which is in the middle of the back yard, and just read an ebook. - It’s amazing how something as simple as crossing ones, smoothly shaven legs while balancing a slipper on a toe, can make me feel. I mean truly feel. There are moments when the feeling of femininity takes away my breath. - Then around 8am, I called my Mom to wish her a happy mother’s day. I haven’t come out to her. I don’t really know how she would take it, years ago she would have been fine, but I am not going to cause her stress or any issues, as she is struggling with stage 4 lung cancer. We had a very nice talk and I got to present as myself while I did it, walking around our property, with the sun streaming down and no fear of being judged. It was a nice day, though it was tempered by my concerns for my mother’s health.
I find myself thinking about that day on an almost constant basis now. How nice it would be if I could just keep my job while coming out and just move on with being full time.