Tuesday, June 28, 2016
Thursday, June 23, 2016
There are so many things going on lately. I am very busy as usual, still doing two jobs within my company. I’m still thinking that when I change I better have another job, this one will be unbearable.
I’m still dealing with my son who has made it his mission in life to have no mission in life. He may (eye roll) be going to SC to live with his grandparents this weekend. They foolishly told him that he could stay with them if he didn’t find a job in our area. I tried to explain to them that he wasn’t actually looking for a job so that pretty much guaranteed that he would be moving in with them. Now they have pushed back his move in date several times and I have no reason to believe that this weekend will be any different. I have moved him out of the house, into the old apartment above our garage. There is no electricity or plumbing, though he is allowed into the main house to use the bathroom and take showers and eat, but that is it. I am trying to impress on him the seriousness of the issue. He isn’t homeless but he is throwing a fit already, his lifestyle is being infringed upon I suppose. Anyway, a book could be written on my issues with my son. I have been patiently waiting for my son to do the disappointing thing, outing me in revenge or out of anger. I am not ready to be fully out, but I’m not going to back down from it.
We have the fence on one side of our property, and now I don’t see or hear or worry about our horrible (now invisible) neighbors. And now on the other side of us, the 6 acres of forest have construction happening, which may be commercial, may be a home, can’t tell yet. My worst thought is that it will be a gas station or something of the like. I would have to gate off the property in an effort to keep people from walking through our land, bothering or hurting our two pygmy goats (their little fence is almost done) and our two chickens. It will also spoil the solitude we have only enjoyed for a year, the quiet, dark nights and the peace of mind. So, as I am a negative person (pragmatist) I am prepared for the worst and hopeful for a good outcome.
Again, not going to go into hiding just because this neighbor appears out of nowhere. I hope they are open-minded or at least not bigoted asses and we can be friendly if not friends. Or they are really not going to like the transgendered lady next door, they will have to keep their children indoors and make sure their bathrooms are prominently marked with specific genders, while making sure that they aren’t sexually excited and therefore firmly against all transgender for making them feel this way.
I am just venting, I don’t think you are going to find any pearls of wisdom today, I should have divulged this early on. Sometimes, life is just dealing with annoyances and trivialities, it can’t be helped. I didn’t have to document it, but you didn’t have to read it either. J
Sunday, June 19, 2016
It seems a misnomer, but it would be inaccurate to say that fathers are strictly men. Single mothers also have to be fathers, and while being alone, having only one vision of a child's development is limiting, it is still as valid. So too, can transgender women still be fathers, sharing in your child's upbringing. It can be "my two moms" if you wish, but I still like to go by "mom and dad", it keeps the child aware that you aren't the same person as your spouse, that different views exist.
I am a transgender woman, and I am a father. I care for them, feed them, keep a roof over their heads. I bleed for them, wipe their noses and pick them up to set them on their feet again. It's a word, but ultimately it just means that I love my kids and I do what I have to in order to make sure they grow up right, become good citizens of the earth and care for the giant blue marble that they must some day be the guardians of. It doesn't matter what the gender is, or the sexual orientation, any more than it matters what color my hair is. Being a father means being there for your children, and sometimes letting them fall so they understand gravity.
Being full time may have consequences in the outside world, but in my home it will hardly change a thing. Other than looking different, I will still be the person that loves her children and protects them.
Happy Fathers Day, ladies, gentlemen and any flavor in between. If they haven't thanked you, I will. Thank you for being there for your child(ren).
Saturday, June 11, 2016
I am not going to tell you how much better introverts are, it sucks. I'm never part of the group, or included in things and for good reason. The introvert puts up a wall few can climb, and very few ever try. It's my own fault that I am not part of anything, but its a very big hurdle for me. There is a section of my mind that tells me not to interact, to just hang back and let others group up and be foolish. I don't know why it's foolish, there is no real reason to think it.
In fact, my best friend, he is almost always able to pull me over that wall. And then I find I am having a great time, being involved instead of staring through the window from the outside. But then I am right back behind the wall again.
How does this tie into my being transgender? Well, lets follow a short progression...
Transgender --> Human being
So, yeah that sums it up. But I am affected as a transgender by being introverted. I don't get all the information that most would in a group setting. I don't bond with anyone other than the people I am already around. I don't go out much and I don't stick my neck out at all, so for me to say that I drove into town as the female that I am, is a HUGE deal to me but to no one else.
There will be those who don't understand this, being introverted, just like many won't understand my being transgender. Shake it off, just stop doing it, you can change if you really want to, just be part of the group and also just be a boy. Who you are can change in small ways, but you can't change the core of you. You can't wish the gay away, you can't stop being introverted and you can't not be a girl on the inside.
I don't enjoy being who I am, I want to be a part of things and I want to just be a girl. It's a nice recipe for depression, and I do get down sometimes. I have learned to push those feelings down when I have to. And this isn't a post about depression, just an observation.
Sunday, June 5, 2016
Then this morning, my son, the one I have been having problems with, walked outside at 6am. Previous to this, he has never gotten up this early. Previous to this, the earliest he has ever woken up is 9am. So imagine my surprise when he walked outside, while I was outside sitting on our iron-wrought swing. I, of course, was being me, hair/dress/shoes/makeup. I think he was stunned for a moment, but he played it off well to go be stunned elsewhere.
I didn't run inside and change. I didn't avoid the issue with him. I gave him a little time and then I talked to him, still dressed as the me I am inside. I gave him the reasons for why I didn't tell him, I explained to him who I am, so that he didn't perceive me as a transvestite or anything else than what I actually am. I wanted him to understand, I'm a woman masquerading as a man. He is still stunned, it will take him a bit. He just needs time.
I also explained that this has nothing to do with anything else. I have to hide from my youngest daughter until she is ready, until she doesn't tell her friends every single thing and risk my losing my job. I told him that I didn't come out to him because I can't count on him, I can't trust him to make the right decisions for himself, much less for me. It's a big secret, it's a lot of trust I hadn't planned on giving him for a while. I'm nervous and scared, but mostly I am relieved and calm, odd right? I know things can go south very quickly, that he could use this as leverage in our issues. But I have to hope he will do the right thing, to take his own responsibility. This is not a test for him, it's a test for both of us.
So now, three down, one to go. I want to tell her so badly. I don't want a secret to be the thing that changes our relationship, but it has to change in some way. I have to wait, it's not time yet, soon.