Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Waiting is the hardest part

The last several posts have been about life in general, I am guessing that my general life issues are not why you have started reading this blog. It’s important to understand that no matter where you are, trying to figure it out or deep into transition, that life is still going to happen. You don’t get to skip out on bad or annoying, there is no montage, no fast forward to the end. So while you may be skipping through my little stories until you find what pertains to your situation or fulfills your interests, I’m in it for the long, hard slog.

I bought makeup, some of it was clearly wrong once I got it, several months back. I rarely have the time to wear it, as I work 5 days a week, and on the weekends I have to avoid the one child who has extensive knowledge of how to apply cosmetics, and enjoys it. I look at my cosmetics drawer in our bathroom and I lament its disuse. I want to tell my daughter for a lot of reasons, who I am. But I also really want her to use her skills to make me pretty. I’m not going to have the time to figure out everything on my own, so soon she is getting told just so I can go out in public without looking like a football player wearing a cheerleader’s uniform.

I’ve found a therapist! She is close and works with trans, so that is awesome. I am making an appointment next week so that I can get started and get my letter. I am so inspired by my son Martin, who just got his letter yesterday to start on testosterone. I wish I could just give him mine and I could take his estrogen. I am jealous and proud all at the same time, Jeoud… prelous… you get the idea.

Once I start talking with the therapist, I am going to start planning for the first surgery, then the second and third. I don’t want surgery, but in my case it’s going to be needed. Feminization and orchiectomy is definitely being done, I want breasts too but that will be later.

I have a hard time spending money on myself, but this is something I have to do. I have spent most of my life hiding, letting others feel comfortable while I felt horrible and wrong. So the planning is being done and I am getting quotes and looking into the procedures. I’m excited and very scared of this year’s list of things to be done. More excited, but still afraid.

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Strongly emoting

There are so many things going on lately. I am very busy as usual, still doing two jobs within my company. I’m still thinking that when I change I better have another job, this one will be unbearable.

 

I’m still dealing with my son who has made it his mission in life to have no mission in life. He may (eye roll) be going to SC to live with his grandparents this weekend. They foolishly told him that he could stay with them if he didn’t find a job in our area. I tried to explain to them that he wasn’t actually looking for a job so that pretty much guaranteed that he would be moving in with them. Now they have pushed back his move in date several times and I have no reason to believe that this weekend will be any different. I have moved him out of the house, into the old apartment above our garage. There is no electricity or plumbing, though he is allowed into the main house to use the bathroom and take showers and eat, but that is it. I am trying to impress on him the seriousness of the issue. He isn’t homeless but he is throwing a fit already, his lifestyle is being infringed upon I suppose.  Anyway, a book could be written on my issues with my son. I have been patiently waiting for my son to do the disappointing thing, outing me in revenge or out of anger. I am not ready to be fully out, but I’m not going to back down from it. 

 

We have the fence on one side of our property, and now I don’t see or hear or worry about our horrible (now invisible) neighbors. And now on the other side of us, the 6 acres of forest have construction happening, which may be commercial, may be a home, can’t tell yet. My worst thought is that it will be a gas station or something of the like. I would have to gate off the property in an effort to keep people from walking through our land, bothering or hurting our two pygmy goats (their little fence is almost done) and our two chickens. It will also spoil the solitude we have only enjoyed for a year, the quiet, dark nights and the peace of mind. So, as I am a negative person (pragmatist) I am prepared for the worst and hopeful for a good outcome. 

 

Again, not going to go into hiding just because this neighbor appears out of nowhere. I hope they are open-minded or at least not bigoted asses and we can be friendly if not friends. Or they are really not going to like the transgendered lady next door, they will have to keep their children indoors and make sure their bathrooms are prominently marked with specific genders, while making sure that they aren’t sexually excited and therefore firmly against all transgender for making them feel this way.

 

I am just venting, I don’t think you are going to find any pearls of wisdom today, I should have divulged this early on. Sometimes, life is just dealing with annoyances and trivialities, it can’t be helped. I didn’t have to document it, but you didn’t have to read it either. J

Sunday, June 19, 2016

Happy Fathers Day

How do I reconcile Fathers Day and being transgender? How can I be a father, knowing that I am female inside? That my children (mostly) know that I am female inside?

It seems a misnomer, but it would be inaccurate to say that fathers are strictly men. Single mothers also have to be fathers, and while being alone, having only one vision of a child's development is limiting, it is still as valid. So too, can transgender women still be fathers, sharing in your child's upbringing. It can be "my two moms" if you wish, but I still like to go by "mom and dad", it keeps the child aware that you aren't the same person as your spouse, that different views exist.

I am a transgender woman, and I am a father. I care for them, feed them, keep a roof over their heads. I bleed for them, wipe their noses and pick them up to set them on their feet again. It's a word, but ultimately it just means that I love my kids and I do what I have to in order to make sure they grow up right, become good citizens of the earth and care for the giant blue marble that they must some day be the guardians of. It doesn't matter what the gender is, or the sexual orientation, any more than it matters what color my hair is. Being a father means being there for your children, and sometimes letting them fall so they understand gravity.

Being full time may have consequences in the outside world, but in my home it will hardly change a thing. Other than looking different, I will still be the person that loves her children and protects them.

Happy Fathers Day, ladies, gentlemen and any flavor in between. If they haven't thanked you, I will. Thank you for being there for your child(ren).

Saturday, June 11, 2016

The introverted woman

I don't interact with people unless I am forced. You may infer that this is because I am transgender and therefore afraid to or am not inclined to speak with people while I am in boy mode. This would be, of course, incorrect. Mostly. It could be that I was always the punching bag for my fathers frustrations, or that I was forced to live with him after the divorce and he had a LOT of frustration then.Who knows the reason, it doesn't matter anymore.

I am not going to tell you how much better introverts are, it sucks. I'm never part of the group, or included in things and for good reason. The introvert puts up a wall few can climb, and very few ever try. It's my own fault that I am not part of anything, but its a very big hurdle for me. There is a section of my mind that tells me not to interact, to just hang back and let others group up and be foolish. I don't know why it's foolish, there is no real reason to think it.

In fact, my best friend, he is almost always able to pull me over that wall. And then I find I am having a great time, being involved instead of staring through the window from the outside. But then I am right back behind the wall again.

How does this tie into my being transgender? Well, lets follow a short progression...

Transgender --> Human being

So, yeah that sums it up. But I am affected as a transgender by being introverted. I don't get all the information that most would in a group setting. I don't bond with anyone other than the people I am already around. I don't go out much and I don't stick my neck out at all, so for me to say that I drove into town as the female that I am, is a HUGE deal to me but to no one else.

There will be those who don't understand this, being introverted, just like many won't understand my being transgender. Shake it off, just stop doing it, you can change if you really want to, just be part of the group and also just be a boy. Who you are can change in small ways, but you can't change the core of you. You can't wish the gay away, you can't stop being introverted and you can't not be a girl on the inside.

I don't enjoy being who I am, I want to be a part of things and I want to just be a girl. It's a nice recipe for depression, and I do get down sometimes. I have learned to push those feelings down when I have to. And this isn't a post about depression, just an observation.


Sunday, June 5, 2016

The Accidental Outing

I have always been so careful. I spent my life, honing the skills I needed to survive, to hide. I blend into the melee, I don't stand out unless I have ample room for escape or the current mindset for subterfuge. I spent 30+ years never sharing who I am.

Then this morning, my son, the one I have been having problems with, walked outside at 6am. Previous to this, he has never gotten up this early. Previous to this, the earliest he has ever woken up is 9am. So imagine my surprise when he walked outside, while I was outside sitting on our iron-wrought swing. I, of course, was being me, hair/dress/shoes/makeup. I think he was stunned for a moment, but he played it off well to go be stunned elsewhere.

I didn't run inside and change. I didn't avoid the issue with him. I gave him a little time and then I talked to him, still dressed as the me I am inside. I gave him the reasons for why I didn't tell him, I explained to him who I am, so that he didn't perceive me as a transvestite or anything else than what I actually am. I wanted him to understand, I'm a woman masquerading as a man. He is still stunned, it will take him a bit. He just needs time.

I also explained that this has nothing to do with anything else. I have to hide from my youngest daughter until she is ready, until she doesn't tell her friends every single thing and risk my losing my job. I told him that I didn't come out to him because I can't count on him, I can't trust him to make the right decisions for himself, much less for me. It's a big secret, it's a lot of trust I hadn't planned on giving him for a while. I'm nervous and scared, but mostly I am relieved and calm, odd right? I know things can go south very quickly, that he could use this as leverage in our issues. But I have to hope he will do the right thing, to take his own responsibility. This is not a test for him, it's a test for both of us.

So now, three down, one to go. I want to tell her so badly. I don't want a secret to be the thing that changes our relationship, but it has to change in some way. I have to wait, it's not time yet, soon.

Friday, June 3, 2016

Clothes Mare

I've always been obsessed with clothes. I love the way fabric looks across a clavicle, the flare of a skirt, taut cloth against the small of the back. It was almost impossible to find clothes that weren't already someone else's style. I stole, borrowed, inherited or found clothes and just threw them together. It was a mess. I have no artistic ability with fabric, other that the ability to sew, which isn't enough to actually design something. I had a couple of dresses that worked but that was it. 
Now I have the Internet to feed my love of clothes. I have found that I am very fond of skater dresses, in most of their styles. I'm a huge fan of the halter dresses. Unfortunately I don't like my arms, too manly.

I'm worried, on one side, that I am dressing too young. But on the other, I love skater and flare dresses so much! I like tight dresses as well, but I don't have the body type for that. I have to lose weight for any dress right now, I feel too big, which is bad enough, but I've also got the body of a man. So, weight loss is my focus right now. 

I have a plan, restricted but healthy diet, workout in the form of running and yoga. I'm trying to find specific yoga techniques for feminization, but oddly am not finding it. Perhaps yoga just is.

I have to end this now, going to be late for work and I have to take off the wig, rinse and brush my hair into a mans style and put on my men's button down. There is a set of clothes I don't like wearing.