Saturday, July 30, 2016

Take the long way home

I was going to have a whole weekend, but things change. My daughter is coming home today, then leaving to go to another friends for the night on Sunday. I can't tell her this weekend. I want to give her time to process and not worry that she will completely lose it on Sunday with her friends. It is what it is. My mantra, hate that mantra.

I woke up early as always, took a shower and put on my makeup and got ready for my limited day. In my head I was thinking:

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you
While combing my hair, now
And wondering what dress to wear, now
I say a little prayer for you

Just sitting there in my head. So I was singing it under my breath when I got in my truck and drove into town. Now, town is not close, it is a bit far. But I went to a store called Ingles, attached to which there is a petrol station. I got out, wearing my favorite black knee length dress, and got petrol. I was nervous, and there were a few people about. But I completed my task and even took a moment to open the passenger door and clear out any debris from my floorboards. There was one fellow, nearby that was smoking (away from the petrol, but in the parking lot) and watching me. I wanted to quickly get back in my truck and drive away, but forced myself to act normal and finish what I was doing. Either he was clocking me, or he was appreciating/evaluating the view. Either way, I was not going to stop what I wanted to do because of him.

I thought about going into the store, but there were a lot of people about in the parking area and I, quite frankly, lost my nerve. So I drove home, taking the long route and just enjoying the drive whilst listening to "Pink" on IheartRadio. I love Pink, I have always really enjoyed her music, her latest album is probably my favorite. Don't know why I told you that. Anyway, I took the long way home and was slightly disappointed to be home. Only because I am isolated here, it's safe and I don't think playing it safe will make it easier for me to be around people. I am already a dedicate introvert, add my feelings of inadequacies as a woman, looking like a man, and you have a recipe for a shut-in.

I am going to make a point of going out more. Especially when I let my daughter know about me (looks like next weekend), then I will be more and more full time presenting and not this horribly uncomfortable posturing as male.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Lingering Proclamation

I had prepared myself, worked up my courage, to tell my daughter this weekend. This weekend my wife is out for a conference and Martin is off to the coast to visit his girlfriend. This would have left my daughter and I alone in the house. I say "would have" because unbeknownst to me, she had made plans with a friend of hers to stay the weekend. So, I'm waiting for her to get back after the weekend. I had imagined telling her as me, not as him. But I'm not sure which way would be best. On one hand telling her as Beth lets her know it's not a joke, that I am who I say I am. Gives her the quick bandage pull and let's her deal. Or I could go in man costume what she is used to, comfortable and from her perspective, normal. Less of a shock I suppose. I'm still not sure, and I want to do it the right way.

So, for now, I will have the house to myself. Since I'm not hiding from anyone other than our youngest, it's not really a treat for me to be me. I will enjoy painting my nails and not having to take everything off before she gets up in the morning. So there is that. But I'm not going to hide this from her after this weekend. I'll deal with the outcome, all the while being hopeful that the outcome is pleasant. I love my daughter so much, I couldn't stand losing her. Please let this go well.

Friday, July 22, 2016

Optimistically cautious

I am sometimes surprised by people, and this time it was my wife. I get up early most mornings to take a shower and shave and all the things one does in the mornings before work. This morning, my wife was up when I was, which is not a usual situationat all. Each morning after I shave, I put on my hair and some lipstick or tinted lip balm (depending on my mood) and a nice dress, so that I can bear wearing my man-suit later for the rest of the day. I usually get a good half hour or in this case hour and a half. So, when I got out of the shower and saw her in the living room I was kind of surprised. She isn’t a morning person so I expected her to say very little. I expected on her seeing me as Beth, to say even less. But she was articulate and didn’t blink when she looked up to see me there. It was a good feeling to be talked to like I was me. She is always talking to Beth, I don’t know if she really understands that. Beth in a dress, wearing makeup is Beth in a man’s shirt and men’s shoes, the same brain. It was just nice. 

Also, while I was at work I was talking with her on the phone, deciding what we needed on a shopping list. And I asked her, my heart in my stomach, to pick up some maroon nail polish. I expected her to stiffen up and get avoid-y. She didn’t though, she said that she will try but they may not have that shade this time of year. And that if they didn’t, I could go through her polish and see if there was any I wanted to try. It may not seem like much, but for me it’s a huge win, comparatively. 

It’s these small things that give me hope that she will just accept me without needing me to be him. I know it isn’t easy,I don’t make things easy sometimes. I get frustrated and want things to just be the way they should and it doesn’t work that way. Life is messy, no one has the answers and nothing happens the way you expect.Mostly life is just sticky. Why is it sticky?

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Like a pretty shark

So I decided to post my photo on my blogger bio. I had a photo of my legs in heels before, because I have nice legs and it was a flattering photo. Now my face is posted, big step. It has a filter on it because I can't apply cosmetics well (see horrible face artist). And I want to look as pretty as I can. Vain? Yes please! I'm so tired of being introspective and mining deep wells of wisdom. There are times where it would nice to be found pretty and sexy.

So, this is me, imperfect and flawed. In a mans body and with no recourse but to make this body into what I need it to be. Sorry guy, but I didn't ask for this either. Say goodbye to your testosterone soon. And sooner that you think, goodbye to the rest of what marks you as male. I'm moving forward, like a shark, a pretty shark. (I bet you didn't think I was going to tie in the title at all.)

Sunday, July 17, 2016

Like a Mantra

"I am very tired of having to be something I am not in order to please other people."

I'm saying this a lot in my head, I'm saying this a lot out loud too. I am very tired of having to be someone else just to make others comfortable. My wife is always a little different around me when I am "Beth". Not that she would know my name, she hasn't even asked or considered. She is much shorter tempered when I am Beth and not the guy. She likes to pretend that she is for LGBT, but that is as long as it doesn't make her uncomfortable. Having a gay daughter, that was fine, no outward appearances to be problematic, she didn't sprout a third arm. But find out the daughter is actually a son and suddenly things change, that stiff awkwardness begins. She has mellowed on it since, at least until Martin starts sporting a beard or something. I'm wondering at what point she will stop calling her by his given name and start using the proper pronouns. I use "she" and (the girl name) when I am around my wife, as she gets that stiff awkwardness going. And when I am being me, whom I have dubbed "Elizabeth Anne Locke", that stiff awkwardness and avoidance hits a high note. She won't go outside with me if she can avoid it and her looking at me isn't happening either.

I know I'm not traditionally pretty and thin, perhaps that would make it easier on her, easier to accept me as who I am. So, every time we do this, the me being me and her being all avoidy, it hurts me. I know this is hard on her, but she doesn't have to be me or deal with my issues, she just has to accept me. So, it makes it kind of difficult to sympathize when she isn't carrying the weight of a lifetime of dealing with this secret and having to pretend she is something she isn't.

I don't even want to think about how emotional I will be with HRT going, I'm already highly strung apparently.

(Post Script) Yes, I know most of this is me just venting. I can't read people, I definitely can't read my wife, nor read her mind. That doesn't make me less upset or fearful or annoyed with what I can only do but perceive. So take my rants with a huge grain of salt, pillar or what have you.

Friday, July 15, 2016

Change is Coming

My son is going for his first testosterone shot today, I’m so happy for him. I’m glad he was able to start early and avoid so many years of frustration and pain. My wife and daughter are going with him; it’s good he is getting that support. I would be there, but I have to work and truthfully having a crowd around you during that time is probably a little unsettling. I am wondering how it is going to affect him, I haven’t researched getting testosterone, just getting estrogen. It will be a wild time for him; the change is really beginning for him. I can imagine it’s a lot like being born all over again.

I’m inspired by my son, to do what needs to be done for me. I am still hesitant to start, only because of the money issue. I have real trouble spending money on myself and even more spending large amounts on me. I just know I need to do it. I still want to lose enough weight to not have it be an issue when I start the estrogen. I have read that once you start, losing weight becomes a very hard thing to do. I want to lean out as much as possible, this body is a big guy, so that I can be comfortable.

I’ve made an appointment with a therapist, can’t wait to start that, but I am very nervous. I want to work on my issues, but I want to get my letter and start the HRT as soon as possible. I am not getting any younger and it’s just too hard to keep being this way. Perhaps my therapist can help me get over my fears of being out. I have a real fear of being judged negatively, and who I am just invites that kind of thing. Anyway, it’s a good time really. My son is getting things done, with work and education (going to community college) and biologically. I am very proud of him. I want my family to be proud of me, I will settle with me being proud of myself, however.

Sunday, July 10, 2016

Happy Birthday to that Guy

My birthday is today. Each year I tell those that know, to please not worry about it. I tell them that I was born only once and to celebrate its anniversary is unnecessary. It's not the entire truth, however.

I don't like my birthday for the obvious reason, well obvious for a transgender person I think. I was born the wrong gender and I have been suffering through it my entire life. Who wants to celebrate that?

I was hopeful that during some random doctors visit or during my very in depth physical and medical evaluation for the military, that they would find I was supposed to be a girl. That we should get these genitals corrected right away and thank god we caught it in time. It didn't happen. So on my birthday I usually cry, and I manage to just make it through one more day.

I endure my family and friends expressing birthday wishes and happiness. I nod and give a quick smile and I move on with my day, shutting it away. They mean well and with exception of two of my children and my wife, how could they really know? I have mastered being a man so well that even I can't stand to look at me.

So happy birthday to the guy in the mirror. I actually feel bad for you, I wonder where your soul is, why I am here behind your eyes instead. I make plans to alter you to better fit me, do you have my body elsewhere? Do you wonder where your penis is and why you are stuck in my body? Happy birthday guy, I'm truly sorry I know you at all, but all the best.

Sunday, July 3, 2016

A day in the life

I am actually kind of amazed that I haven't read anyone one freaking the hell out with the military lifting the ban on transgender. I thought this would be a hot issue, but so far I haven't seen anything. Not one of my "friends" on facebook have complained about it at all. I have some ex and current military members on my facebook and for the most part they are alright, but they don't know I am trans and these are the kind of people who would vote for Trump rather than have Hillary in office. It's just odd that no outrage or major news organizations have jumped on this. It's almost awesome, but I'm a pessimist so, just waiting for the other shoe and gravity to pull it to earth with a "thump".

On a more personal note, my daughter spent the night at a friends, so guess what I got to do all of yesterday? I got to be me all Saturday long!! I got to put on makeup, inexpertly, and actually look like I took time with it. I got to wear pretty clothes and nice shoes and just be me all day long. I took photos of our yard that we worked our pretty little butts off on last week. I walked our dog and checked the mail and sat on our front porch. All the small things, I got to do as a normal woman. I was so at ease, it was so freeing just to not worry about being found out.

The only slight thing is that I think I annoyed my wife. I don't think she is as comfortable as she says she is with me as Beth. I hate using "presenting" I'm already a woman, I present as male because I have little choice right now. So, back to my story... My wife is not comfortable with me. She was sitting on the couch and I leaned down to kiss her, my hair got in the way (wig) and my not being used to the length necessitated in my having to pull up and move it back. She seemed very annoyed with this. 

I feel I am not telling this correctly. I felt she was very annoyed at my having to pull my hair out of the way to kiss her. It felt like the kind of huff you give someone when they are doing something frivolous. And her comments about my makeup skills lead me to believe that she expects me to watch YouTube and just pick up the skills she took a lifetime trying to get. Cosmetics is something even she admits she isn't great at. They are small things, but hurtful. She doesn't understand that I was forced to actively avoid makeup, womens fashion, I was expected to be a man to fall in line. So when I ask for help or make the comment that I would like to learn, it feels as if I am asking too much. Perhaps I am asking too much, I don't know.

Aside from that small thing, I really did have a great day.

We are not complete, we are the broken. We were betrayed by chromosomal happenstance. We can't have all great days, we will have a little pain with the happiness. Nothing comes without a cost, we can only mitigate that cost so much. I don't think anyone really gets all good anything. So I am glad I was able to have some happiness and just a little pain.

Also, I've noticed that I often tend to lead into sad at the end of things. I'm really sorry about that. I have that tendency, you should see my poetry. I am an introverted romantic who has pessimistic leanings, so yeah I am almost always let down by reality. It's a stupid way to live, but I sheltered in it and I never learned to walk away from it. Just want you to know that I have that self-awareness even if I can't control the effect.

Friday, July 1, 2016

The Military and the Transgender

So, finally they have lifted the ban on this. It won’t stop the aggression or the shunning by the individual groups of people. For instance, in my AFSC there weren’t any women in this position on the base, that they knew of. We had one woman who had come in fresh from basic to this job and was only there for a month before she was encouraged to apply for a different career field. I had tried to befriend her and to help her along, but she was very on edge and thought I was trying to get in her pants. I couldn’t tell her that I already had a stylish pair of womens pants in my closet, that I was wearing a bra and panties under my BDUs. You can’t trust anyone in the military, they are for the unit, not for the individual. So I was left there, one girl having to play male to try to fit in. I never did quite fit in there.

I was worried about being found out. I took some crazy risks, like wearing a bra under my BDUs. It’s one thing to wear panties, we don’t take our bottoms off at work. But the uniform is a brown cotton t-shirt under the BDU shirt, often times at our job it is necessary to remove the BDU shirt and work in the t-shirt. Even with the summer BDU shirt (made of very thin material) a bra can be noticeable, but if I took it off and was just in a t-shirt, completely noticeable like a giant neon sign. So, crazy risky to do it, but to me very necessary to distance myself from what my body was.

I don’t think there are going to be positive reactions to this news from the military’s general populace. They like thier men, manly, and women subservient, it’s like the 1950’s. Perhaps it’s different now, but even with “don’t ask don’t tell“ , it was a terrible time for homosexuals, I don’t see this being any better. You are allowed to be who you are, but if you wear what you should wear you will be ridiculed and shunned. In a normal civilian life, you can avoid places and people, you can move to more tolerant areas, find jobs from employers who are accepting. You have no choices in the military, they decide and you act. You get stuck in a unit with male chauvinist bigots, guess what you are the new pinata until you can find a way out of that hell.

Don’t get me wrong, I am glad that passed this, I am glad that some people will be able to be themselves and serve our country with honor and distinction. I hope that they become heroes and show the world that being a different gender from our bodies doesn’t make us less likely to be good decent people, to be looked up to and regarded seriously. It’s that I have little hope that the military has taken a stand early on to promote the correct culture to introduce this. They are throwing hopeful vulnerable people into a pit of wolves and they are somehow thinking that this will turn out alright because they put down strict rules? Without serious culture change, this is going to be very dangerous. Perhaps they are doing the right thing and I am being an alarmist, I really hope that is the case.

I can tell you that the argument that having us in the military is a detriment is false. We have been here, just like homosexuals have, in the military since militaries were in existence. They didn’t notice and we still did our jobs just fine. The moment they notice us, they think we can’t live up to their ideal when we set that bar with them long ago.