Thursday, August 18, 2016

Pretty in Pink

I can’t do anything about my current situation today, so I thought it might be fun to go back, to dig up the past a bit.

Movies have always been a large part of my life. I grew up with John Hughes version of life and love, the girl will get the guy and that life is messy but love makes it worth it all. I remember wishing that I was that girl, that my guy or girl would walk up to me in school and ask me out, that we would have a date and things would then get complicated. My best friend, who was secretly in love with me, would tell me how he or she felt and I would initially be freaked out and not wanting to lose the new love I had just found, pick wrongly, at first. Then I would realize that my best friend is the one I love, and at least in high school, we would be together, really together.

I never got that kind of life, a movie love. First I started out incorrectly; I’m not the girl in these movies. Also, I lived in a small southern town that would not condone this. I am the boy, even if I’m not. They may be able to handle gay, with a few beatings to show superiority. You know, keep them in their place. But not me, they would kill me, I would just be dead, dead, dead. No place for young girls in the wrong bodies. So, the movies were my escape, I could completely lose myself in a romantic comedy. 

When I first started dating, which took me a while in high school, I was hit with how awkward this was going to be. I could love her, be excited by her, but it was tainted by what I was. So there was no pure childish love that envelopes you and keeps you floating. Also, falling in love with my best friend was complicated, he was supposed to fall in love with me, not care what I was, who I was, just passionately love me. Instead, I pined for him and had to hide it entirely. Those movies didn’t prepare me for life at all, but they did help me get through some tough times.

I wanted to get away from my small town so badly. I didn’t have scholarships, my parents couldn’t afford college for me. So, it was the military for me, part of it was so that I could make my family proud (all the men had served in the military back four generations on both sides) and mostly so I could get away. Of course, that sort of back fired on me. Being male is all the rage in the military, they really like it if you aren’t different in any way, stand up straight, dress the same, don’t tuck the penis you didn’t ask for, shoot a gun, don’t wear panties. Also, there was a war I fought in. I shared the same space with cis men who denounce my kind now, but were weeping on my shoulder when our world was ending. I wept as well, but I’m not the duplicitous one in this story.

I got to see the world as a [not entirely] cis male. I got to live for 4 years as a [not entirely] cis male, trying to shrug off what I knew was an integral part of me. It never took. I dated women only, ignored my feelings for any men I might have liked, played it as straight as I could. It never took. I don’t know if I am really bisexual or pan or whatever, I believe that if you fall in love with someone, you love them, I don’t put a gender qualifier on it. Same with base sexual attraction, don’t care about gender at all, I’ve just been too afraid in life to try for a male sexual encounter, came close a few times but never fully went all the way. I don’t like beards on a man, I know that, kisses are too scratchy.

So, movies get me through life, romantic comedies mostly, romantic anything helps. In the Air Force it was “Top Gun” (yes I know it’s navy), a few years old but the movie had good staying power. And at the time I didn’t know Tom was bat-shit crazy.

In my later years, now-ish, my favourite is “Love, Actually” and why not, it has everything basically. Like in my youth, I am that girl standing in the doorway, while a guy who secretly loves me is quietly declaring his love for me.

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

The Opposite of Joy

I have been avoiding. People, places and things. There is nothing that can hit you quite as hard as deep, dark depression. As transgender, most of us are depressed, so I am not illuminating any truths here. But I was side-swiped by my wife on telling our daughter and I still haven't come to terms with what it actually means about us as a couple.

So I'm still not doing anything. My entire life I've had to fake it for others and now I am stalled out because of someone else's issues. Unfortunately it's someone I love and don't want to lose. I don't know how to make her feel comfortable with this. She is perfectly fine if you are gay, or a drag queen or a gay drag queen, I don't understand why she isn't alright with me just being me. Sure this is close to home for her and there are two transgender people in the immediate family. It's a bit odd, having two, but I didn't set it up, hell until just a year ago our son was a female lesbian. I didn't come out first, so I am the one who has to wait? How does that make sense?

Anyway, I don't have much to write, just letting the three people :) who read this know that I am still here. I'm still standing, just not happy about it. I'll find a way to kick back around, to being alright and in life again. Just not yet.

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

About a girl

I didn’t tell her. “R”, our daughter, she still doesn’t know about me. I wanted to tell her, I still want to tell her. But my wife and I had a row over the weekend about it. This weekend was also our 1st wedding anniversary. I didn’t want us angry during this time, so I ended it by conceding to my wife’s wishes. I feel sick that I didn’t tell her. I am a completist and to have this hanging out there, unsaid and ignored, is against my nature. I love my wife, even if she hurts my feelings, I know it’s not intentional. She doesn’t understand what it means to have something like this hidden within you, an entire lifetime of not being yourself.

 

I am going to reveal myself to R, she deserves to know, even if I lose that special father/daughter thing we have. I don’t want it attached to a lie, even if the deception is there to protect her and my feelings. Once she knows, she can deal with it. I believe in the love we have, that she will be alright, that she will still love me through this. I think that my wife underestimates R’s strength of character, or perhaps she is trying to avoid change, I don’t know. Change is going to happen, I can’t keep doing this. I waited far too long, that is my fault. I am to blame for not doing something about it when I was much younger. She could have met me and decided on a relationship, or not, when I was transitioned, then she wouldn’t have this problem. We would either be together or not but it wouldn’t be about my changing before her eyes. Again, this is my fault, I own that.

Saturday, August 6, 2016

Coming out on my terms

So, I am a little hurt. It's to be expected I suppose. I knew my wife was not 100% on board with who I am, I just thought that she was more open-minded than she actually is.

I was talking to her on the phone while I was at work on Friday, I told her that I was going to let our daughter know when I got home. We had discussed this before and she was ok with this, and said that yes she would be there with me to help explain. Now she is saying that she doesn't think that our daughter is ready for it.

Our daughter already had an issue with Martin before, but she got over it. Now my wife is trying to say that because of Martin, I have to give our daughter more time. So how much time is needed? She has already gotten over Martin being a boy, how long must I wait? This is more about my wife having issues than my daughters potential to have issues.

I'm not going to wait. I will tell her when we are alone. I am disappointed in my wife, I am hurt and I am just sad. I have supported her through a lot of her issues, I have always been the person supporting her dreams and aspirations. I just wanted her to support me being me.