Thursday, August 18, 2016
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
So I'm still not doing anything. My entire life I've had to fake it for others and now I am stalled out because of someone else's issues. Unfortunately it's someone I love and don't want to lose. I don't know how to make her feel comfortable with this. She is perfectly fine if you are gay, or a drag queen or a gay drag queen, I don't understand why she isn't alright with me just being me. Sure this is close to home for her and there are two transgender people in the immediate family. It's a bit odd, having two, but I didn't set it up, hell until just a year ago our son was a female lesbian. I didn't come out first, so I am the one who has to wait? How does that make sense?
Anyway, I don't have much to write, just letting the three people :) who read this know that I am still here. I'm still standing, just not happy about it. I'll find a way to kick back around, to being alright and in life again. Just not yet.
Wednesday, August 10, 2016
I didn’t tell her. “R”, our daughter, she still doesn’t know about me. I wanted to tell her, I still want to tell her. But my wife and I had a row over the weekend about it. This weekend was also our 1st wedding anniversary. I didn’t want us angry during this time, so I ended it by conceding to my wife’s wishes. I feel sick that I didn’t tell her. I am a completist and to have this hanging out there, unsaid and ignored, is against my nature. I love my wife, even if she hurts my feelings, I know it’s not intentional. She doesn’t understand what it means to have something like this hidden within you, an entire lifetime of not being yourself.
I am going to reveal myself to R, she deserves to know, even if I lose that special father/daughter thing we have. I don’t want it attached to a lie, even if the deception is there to protect her and my feelings. Once she knows, she can deal with it. I believe in the love we have, that she will be alright, that she will still love me through this. I think that my wife underestimates R’s strength of character, or perhaps she is trying to avoid change, I don’t know. Change is going to happen, I can’t keep doing this. I waited far too long, that is my fault. I am to blame for not doing something about it when I was much younger. She could have met me and decided on a relationship, or not, when I was transitioned, then she wouldn’t have this problem. We would either be together or not but it wouldn’t be about my changing before her eyes. Again, this is my fault, I own that.
Saturday, August 6, 2016
I was talking to her on the phone while I was at work on Friday, I told her that I was going to let our daughter know when I got home. We had discussed this before and she was ok with this, and said that yes she would be there with me to help explain. Now she is saying that she doesn't think that our daughter is ready for it.
Our daughter already had an issue with Martin before, but she got over it. Now my wife is trying to say that because of Martin, I have to give our daughter more time. So how much time is needed? She has already gotten over Martin being a boy, how long must I wait? This is more about my wife having issues than my daughters potential to have issues.
I'm not going to wait. I will tell her when we are alone. I am disappointed in my wife, I am hurt and I am just sad. I have supported her through a lot of her issues, I have always been the person supporting her dreams and aspirations. I just wanted her to support me being me.