The problem with being me (sans mask) at home is that it consists of mostly weekends and a few week nights. The weekdays belong to my mask, who works and gets paid to keep our family fed, housed and all the things that come with it. Of those weekends and week nights, I don’t really go out, I like to be at our home and work in the yard or spend family time. The mask I have grown up wearing is an introvert. I have no way of knowing what *I* am, who I am. I like to think that I am nice and a bit of an extrovert, but since I spend no real time with friends or outside of my property, it’s hard to see if I am growing into anything.
It’s not that I don’t want to go out, but I am hampered by my own issues, those of my voice (first and foremost) which is very male and makes me horribly self-conscious. Then there is my weight, about which I have done very little lately, my work out routine is mainly thinking of an excuse in order to not work out. There will always be issues; body image is a huge one since it comes in two forms, the obvious gender dysphoria and being too heavy. I’m my own worst enemy. Who doesn’t want to be pretty?
More than this, I’m trying to shed my masks mannerisms, these were used to distract from who I actually am, movements honed into a masculine ideal so that I could not be detected. Of course I am doing the same as all transwomen do in the beginning; I am over-feminizing my movements to where they are more a caricature than reality. I am working on this, everything takes time which is at a premium to those starting late in life.
Sorry – I was writing this and I got a twitter alert. Trump has just tweeted this statement, “After consultation with my Generals and military experts, please be advised that the United States Government will not accept or allow..........Transgender individuals to serve in any capacity in the U.S. Military. Our military must be focused on decisive and overwhelming.........victory and cannot be burdened with the tremendous medical costs and disruption that transgender in the military would entail. Thank you,”
Alright, most of you know I am a veteran of Desert Storm/Shield. So it should be pretty easy to know how I feel about Trumps statement. We are already serving, we have always served. This is just like the bathroom laws against us. Do you really think we haven’t been around since the start of humanity? That we haven’t used the bathroom? Fought in wars, served with honor, gotten medals and saved lives? Trump, who has never served in the military, gotten deferrments from service, is trying to stop those who are transgender from serving. Yet another thing, one at a time until we are put back into the closet where white cis men in power don’t have to see us. This is the start of the take down of the LGBT community, first the T, then the rest will go down one at a time under this administration.
I know one thing about me, one thing that doesn’t change wether I am wearing my mask or not. I shall not go quietly.