I’m still contemplating the move of my blog to a site that is more updated and a little easier to post using a mobile app. I use my phone to post because I spend most of my time at work and I don’t want an electronic trail leading directly to my blog from my work laptop. The move is imminent, I just need to find the time and host. This is a long weekend…
I have been adding people to my facebook account, people that were originally on my masks FB page. Eventually there will be no FB page for my mask, there will be no mask, he will be unmade. A bit like leaving behind your imaginary friend from childhood. I’m still firmly behind my mask at work, well not firmly, wearing all women’s clothes except the button-down shirt as well as my medium length, manicured nails have a clear coat on them. No one has commented, but most people are not observant. There is a line of inobservance(?) you can get to before suddenly someone says, “Are you… wearing nail polish?” I haven’t hit that line yet, but I am steadily pushing to that line every day. I have been feeling like I just don’t care enough to keep hiding behind my mask.
Part of inviting people onto my FB from the masks, is to broaden the chances of me being “found out”. There are times where I don’t care if I get fired or at least I’m willing to test the possibility. I am tired of crying in the morning because I must wear this mask. I’m not looking for sympathy, I’m just fed up. I keep pushing and it will all come tumbling down, and I will laugh as it does. Sure, I’ll be unemployed, but at least I’ll be me full time.
Another part of the FB transition is that a bit more distant friends and some family will notice that my mask is indeed a mask. Apparently, people are so respectful of my privacy that they aren’t even gossiping and spreading the word. How dare they be wonderfully respectful of my life? Seriously, I have no idea what I have done to deserve such loyalty. I honestly don’t deserve it, not being humble, I am at the best of times cranky and at the worst of times angry and annoying (well masked me is). I attribute it more to the wonderful nature of my friends and family, than anything I have done. Regardless, I was kind of hopeful that word would spread (it hasn’t). So now I am forcing it a bit.
This is the hardest, emotionally, part of it all. Then I have some expensive parts, like hair removal, which is the laser removal for my face… $7000 isn’t cheap. Then I have the surgeries, but weight must be lost, those will be MUCH more costly. Facial feminization, orchiectomy, are the two I really want now. GRS will be the holy grail of cost and emotional closure. It seems like so much, like I will never get there, so there are times where I am despondent. I have to somehow justify the cost and not put myself before my family. I have a kid in school, and two kids being young adults. I have a wife and pets. These are responsibilities I am glad to have, but I don’t know at what point I am allowed to be a bit selfish. I feel so horrible doing anything for myself, because if I do something for me, then someone else in the family does without.